The Miracle Of Help Is Often Unconventional
To date, I have not personally found one face-to-face therapist who completely understands my walk in this area with narcissistic abuse or the spiritual ties that go along with it. The closest therapist that I found was at least willing to listen to my struggles, but she was still ill-equipped to completely help me. For a period of time, I felt that she somehow fed into the drama that had entered my life in the form of narcissists that I had talked to her about. She actually took on one of my narcissist frenemies on as a client. For a time, this was a nightmare for me, and I halted my own therapy for a while.
After that wild but traumatic fiasco, I believe the therapist had her eyes opened wide from that experience, and she took up to listening to me just a little more intently on the subject of narcissism. Over time, I became more aware that I not only helped this therapist to understand narcissistic personality disorder according to my experiences, I opened her eyes to the spiritual side of narcissism. From that experience alone with this therapist, I understood that therapy was not enough to help me with my struggles with narcissistic abuse. I had no choice but to dig for understanding and do the work myself.
Not even my graduate studies in mental health were enough to prepare me to understand the depth of narcissistic abuse or narcissistic personality disorder. So, in the spare time that I could squeeze into my life, I spent a lot of time reading countless books, scanning over websites, watching a multitude of videos, and creating my own case studies about the narcissistic people types who had been in my life. I journaled all of my experiences with narcissistic abuse. Even when I was at my worst, I would sit down to write about every single experience of the abuse, the emotions, the struggles, and the effects. I even tried to understand the disorder from the perspective of the narcissists.
Yet, when I sat through a session of therapy, I often sensed that the therapist stalled with me when it came to heavy topics regarding narcissists. I felt that she truly was not ready to delve into the work that I knew it would take to get to the root of my issues with narcissists. As time pressed on, I realized that she simply did not understand how to help me cope with the narcissists in my life. I think now that maybe this was just as exhausting for her as it was for me, and I worked like a mad scientist trying to understand what I was dealing with everyday. I formulated theories that I presented to the therapist in an attempt to get her to understand, but I realized that we were must not meshing in regards to my lived experience.
Frankly, I grew exhausted and discouraged at times especially when this therapist seemed to sympathize with the narcissists in my life. I would leave the therapist’s office at the end of sessions to ponder over her own gaslighting of me. She was always quick to lead me to believe I was making a bigger deal than there needed to be out of these narcissists’ behaviors against me. The therapist would also take me on conversational detours that had nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about or needed help with on numerous occasions. I grew to feel like I was wasting good money and paying her for me to become my own therapist. Interestingly, it was actually her suggestion that I go back to school and get a degree in the field of mental health.
Needless to say, therapy failed me in so ways, but I am grateful that this therapist helped me through the depression and anxiety I suffered during those times. Cognitive therapy was good for me, but I needed more help when it came to narcissistic abuse. I could talk about my experiences all during my sessions, but it seemed that talking about it was all I ever did though. I needed to find someone who understood narcissistic abuse and could help me sort through how to relieve myself from narcissists. I had to figure it out on my own.
Of course, therapy did not always give me clear-cut answers anyway, but I did the work nonetheless. I worked on myself as hard as I could do so, but at some point I became exasperated with wasting my time. I felt like I was getting very little help from the therapist and a lot more drama from her than I had bargained for myself. I found that my appointments times were becoming more stagnant and far between in frequency. I even began seeking for new therapists. Comparatively, I had just as much difficulty in finding the right therapist as I did in finding the right church. Eventually, I gave up the fight and came to a critical decision to end therapy altogether.
Soon after, I turned to social media for solutions. Surprisingly, I found like-minded individuals on social media who had experience with narcissists, narcissistic personality disorder, and narcissistic abuse. It was the most unconventional type of help, but it was just what I needed to get me through some dark times. I found that there was much more of an awareness from so many people, and I could gather in one area on one specific forum and find the answers that I was looking for at any given time. Not only did I find others with similar experiences, but I found that I was not alone anymore in my struggles. It was great not feeling isolated as if I was battling alone. It was also great learning different perspectives on how to deal with narcissists. Do not get me wrong, even social media is not a cure all, and I must be very vigilant to watch out for narcissists masquerading as empaths or survivors of narcissistic abuse. Nevertheless, I have found support in social media with others who actually understand narcissistic abuse and can shed light on the disorder.
One might wonder how God help me through this. The red flags of warnings were always there, but I not only second-guessed those internal warnings, I also gaslighted myself into believing that I was simply not as spiritual as those who were telling me the opposite of what I believed I was supposed to do and even wanted to do. I believe I was spiritually led out of a terrible situation but not until circumstances with people around me became increasingly hostile against me. In fact, there became a point when the proverbial handwriting was no longer needed on the wall nor a loud foghorn to awaken me to make me realize that I needed to run – not walk – out the the church.
Again, some readers may disagree, but this is the path I walked through to escape narcissistic abuse in the church. In particular, I recall someone telling me that I was listening to the devil by leaving the church, and that I just needed to deal with the battles that came my way by standing strong. Yet, these situations were more than battles for me. I was suffering tremendously. I was isolated, shunned, ridiculed, mocked, lied to, lied on, ignored, silenced, traumatized, and so much more. It would not be until I left the church scene that I realized that I had experienced spiritual abuse. I was one of among many members who were subjected to spiritual abuse every time we were around narcissists within our midst. So, it only made sense that I take myself out of harm’s way. I did what was best for me. I left the church and did not look back.
Unfortunately, the church was an abusive environment for me. I never seemed to find my bearings there despite desperately fighting to hang on for years. I did not come to the conclusion to end my time at church lightly either. I prayed about it. I cried about it. I agonized over it. I basically made myself a prisoner within my own mind that I could not be a Christian if I did not go to church. I sincerely attempted to hang in there, but I grew spiritually and psychologically exhausted by the constant need to always be on alert every time I attended a service. I thought church was supposed to be a refuge, but instead it was more of a battleground where I received some very deep wounds. The posttraumatic stress I suffered alone is enough of a caution for me not to return to church.
Even still, I gained strength through all of my struggles, and I learned some very valuable life lessons. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from the experience is that it is not enough for a therapist to have book knowledge about narcissists, narcissistic personality disorder, and narcissistic abuse. It is not enough for a church leader to speak scriptures to pacify someone who needs help as if to place a bandage on difficult issues. To a certain extent, therapists and church leaders who do not have experience in the area of mental health illnesses and disorders can actually cause their clients and congregants more harm than good. This is why it is so important for targets and victims of narcissistic abuse to find the right help. The right help is the best help whether it comes from inside or outside of the church.
So far, the right help for me has come from me listening to others and reading about those who have had similar experiences with narcissists and have suffered from narcissistic abuse. I have found a community of people who understand narcissistic abuse by experience. These people have shed light on valuable information. Interestingly, my help has come from people with varying religious backgrounds and different cultures on social media. The common ground is the understanding that narcissistic abuse is real and the experiences with this type of abuse can now be validated because others know and understand the effects.
The information about narcissistic abuse is out there, and there are so many people who have lived experiences like my own. Some of these people have such extensive knowledge that it surpasses what I have ever learned from professionals and anyone in the church. In fact, the knowledge increased my awareness about the correlation between the Jezebel spirit and antisocial personality types. Regardless of what some Christians believe, I have found great correlations between the spiritual and the secular, and this has helped to to greatly navigate my pathway through understanding personality disorders.
Do not get me wrong, there are professionals and even ministers who specialize in helping targets and victims of narcissistic abuse. It is just that I have never had the experience of finding anyone in this area for myself. So, my best available source has been an unconventional one via social media. I do not even necessarily follow anyone that calls themselves an expert on all things narcissism. I just follow people that can help me understand my situation and help me understand how to alleviate myself of continuous problems with narcissists. Mainly, these are regular everyday people with the same types of problems that I have encountered in my life. At some point, I hope to venture out to getting professional help again, but right now, I am content to simply learn from others based on their lived experiences. As far as attending church again, I am not so sure.
Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for more posts.
My Voice Unchained 