Church Tales of Narcissistic Abuse: Shunned In The Church

Shunned In The Church

Rejection is one of the worst feelings in the world to me, but by now, I should be accustomed to it. It has been a lifelong experience for me in various forms and via multiple people. Yet, the sting of rejection does not necessarily become easier the more I experience it. I believe the reason the sting of rejection for me is so strong and I react to it with such hurt is that I am often rejected by those who have professed their love to me – specifically under the guise of Christian love.

In a church setting, rejection is an unfortunate but harsh reality. In a narcissistically empowered church, rejection is a part of what gets served up to members on a cold platter when targeted members are deemed to be beyond control. Most often, rejection gets served up as shunning. Shunning occurs when the target has seemingly and unknowingly instigated an infraction against church leadership or particular church members, broken some legalistic church doctrine, or simply shown themselves to be different compared to the rest of the group [even if unintentionally].

In my experience, shunning has occurred against me in a church setting for a variety of reasons and on too many occasions to name. Below is one story that has always stood out to me because of the bewilderment and deep hurt I experienced because of it.

Ending The Dance

One particular congregation that I was a member of had a dance team that I aspired to join, but it was an elitist dance group. Joining this dance troupe was quite difficult. I always remained on the outside of the group feeling only allowed to watch them. They were an intense team, and they practice rigorously to maintain outstanding performances. I could somewhat understand them not letting just anyone join, but it was a church dance group and not some special school of dance.

It turns out, however, that I was not the only one who wanted to join this dance troupe. One of the dancers on this dance team was a trained classical dancer, and thought it would be a great idea to have an outside dance group. So with the help of her mother, this woman began an outside dance team under the tutelage of a very prominent dance teacher in the community. Although joining this team was less difficult, I had to jump through hoops just to prove that I belonged there. This should have been my first red flag, but I was eager to learn because I wanted to dance.

This new dance team practiced two to three times a week, and although I worked a full-time job, I actually looked forward to making the 45 minute drive to the studio so that I could dance. Although I am an introvert, I did not mind being socially uncomfortable for an hour and a half long practice. As a whole, there was not much time spent talking as there was learning to dance. So I suffered through any social anxiety that I felt when there was a sudden rush of small talk in the group.

The dance instructor was an excellent teacher, but in the beginning she was always standoffish towards me. It was obvious that there were certain people in the group who were her favorites. Although it did not bother me that the dance instructor had favorites, remaining an outsider was sometimes difficult when I had questions because there was a tendency for those within the group to ignore me [including the instructor]. Despite the obstacles, however, I was persistent in my efforts to learn all the dance steps. I never missed a practice session, and eventually, my hard work at practice paid off.

After a period of time, the dance instructor took note of my progression and began encouraging me. Others in the group also took note, and somewhere along the way without my noticing, I became an acceptable part of the group. I was seemingly welcomed with open arms, lauded over, and praised for my efforts in learning all the dance moves. The next thing I knew, the woman who began the dance group and her mother befriended me. These two women even welcomed me for visits into their home.

I accepted their invitation since we attended the same congregation. Since the friends I had begun to make at this congregation had left, I did not have any other friendship prospects. These women accepted me, and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Things were beginning to look up for me. Because of dance, the cloud of depression lifted and I battled anxiety less. My social life was also good, and I was becoming the dancer that I always desired to be.

At some point, the dance instructor believed that our dance team was ready for performances. Although we were not affiliated with the congregation’s dance team, we did have a performance that included the congregation’s dance team in attendance. I had so much fun dancing with the group, and it had been remarked by different people who knew me that I seemed to be in my element. It was said that there was a brightness to my countenance. All I could say was that I loved dancing. I was happy.

Nevertheless, the dance team that I was a part of began receiving lots of attention. The instructor opened the class for more attendance and allowed different dancers to lead smaller groups. I was not a trained dancer. It took me a lot of practice to learn even simple routines. So imagine my surprise when the instructor had me lead in a dance. She actually crowned a specific song as mine for leading every time we had class. It became the warmup song and dance no less, but I was honored to lead it. So during every class thereafter, I would lead this specific dance and teach the dance to others.

Overtime, I felt that I had become a part of a dance family, and the two women [an older woman and her daughter] who befriended me were like a mother and big sister to me. This was a period of time in my life where all things seem to come together until an invisible rug was pulled from underneath me. In retrospect, I had no clear warning that a change was coming until it did, and these two women set off dissension within the group against me. I did, however, sometimes feel that something was off about them, but I never could quite put my finger on exactly what “off-ness” I sensed with them.

Nevertheless when change presented itself, the change was originally with me. My personal and social life had taken on such a dramatic change that I decided that it was the perfect time for me to go back to school for an advanced degree. I had been both excited and satisfied with my own self-discipline in staying focused, determined, and committed while learning to dance. Over a nearly two-year period, I had gone from a wallflower to a sprouting sunflower. I had even been asked to partake of dance within the congregation, but because of the change that was coming to my schedule, I declined the opportunity.

Once I was accepted into graduate school, I applied for a part-time job to circumvent costs. As much as I loved dancing, my life was taking off in a different direction, and I wanted to follow my new path. Yet, I was grateful for all that dance had become in my life and appreciative for its good effects. No one knew of the debilitating depression I suffered and kept hidden with an often forced smile. No one had any idea how difficult it was for me to try to place myself where I felt I often did not belong, but I was eager to learn, and I wanted to dance. I was happy I joined the dance team. It took more effort than anyone could have ever known.

My continued discipline with a weekly schedule in dance as well as the learned dance routines and great fellowship changed my entire trajectory and took my focus away from the emotional pains that ailed me. I was ever so grateful and always made sure to show my gratitude to everyone who helped me. That is why I was stunned when my announcement to the dance group was met with mixed reviews particularly from the two women who had befriended me. Their reactions were not what I expected at all mainly because I had forewarned them ahead of time. In fact, I had talked with them extensively about my aspirations. Had they not been listening to me? I told them I desired to improve my life, but these women who claimed to be my friends did not appear happy about the new change at all.

I had grown to love my dance family and the dance instructor dearly. The dance instructor came across with such a hard exterior that I was flabbergasted when she announced to me how much she loved me and admired my tenacity in learning. Although I publicly expressed how much I loved everyone and needed to discontinue dance for a while [at least until I finished my studies], the dance instructor and a few other dance students were the only ones to show their genuine happiness for me. The two women that I had befriended along with two of their friends did not react with congratulatory smiles at all. In fact, one person remarked on how my absence was going to create a mess with routines.

Although I had remained on for two more weeks in dance class, the shunning against me by these two women had begun shortly after they realized that I was making no room to accommodate the dance class into my new schedule. Despite explaining to them that I was taking on a full load of classes along with a new part-time job to help with additional costs on top of an already demanding full-time job, neither woman seemed to care. Both women reiterated to me that I seemed to only be making excuses not to be a part of the group. They frowned upon my lack of commitment to my original purpose. They both subtly remarked that I was doubleminded in my ways. I was confused by their responses.

Contrary to their beliefs, I was not making excuses. It was simply the way it was for me. Although [of the two women] the mother did not work, the daughter did work. I actually expected the daughter to understand that my schedule was going to busier than before, but she behaved as if she did not understand or even care. By the next class after my announcement that I would be leaving, both women – along with their associates – had stopped speaking to me. When I addressed the women with kind greetings and salutations, they both looked right through me. They responded to me robotically without any sense of feeling. If there had not been people standing around watching us, they might have never spoken to me at all.

The tension these women created against me could be felt by others in the dance class as well, but for whatever reason, the tension was ignored by everyone. Everyone behaved as if there was not a huge grey elephant in the room, but I could tell that specific behaviors towards me by others changed instantly. The dance instructor would give me extra hugs, and this woman had definitely never been a hugger in the past. So I discerned from her body language that she knew what was going on and was letting me know that she was not on the two women’s sides. To the dance instructor’s defense, however, I realized that there was little that she could do, and I knew that she did not want to get involved because she would still remain in the class long after I left.

Sadly, the dance that I would normally lead, I chose to give back to the dance instructor to allow someone else to lead because the two women did everything possible to malign my instructions in leading the dance. The two women talked while I was giving instructions, and they encouraged others to talk over me as well. These women even pretended to miss steps and ask me to repeat myself over and over. All of this I found a nuisance because the daughter of the mother-daughter pair was a classically trained dancer. She never missed steps. So I knew that they were sabotaging me on purpose.

Although I took the behavior of these two women in stride, I felt deeply hurt. I was crushed, in fact, and I fought desperately to withhold my tears until I could leave the dance room. When I could relieve myself for a restroom break, I would cry softly to myself inside one of the stalls. If only it were just about the dance class, then I would have been over my hurt feelings more quickly, but these women and me belonged to the same congregation. So I still had to deal with them. I honestly figured that they needed to adjust to the situation of change, but they adjusted by showing me their darkest side of love for me.

In essence, it was not the two women’s love for me that I felt at all. They treated me with literal disdain. They devalued me by behaving as if I did not even exist. They even took the joy of their smiles away from me when I attempted to greet them before church service. I was a door greeter who handed out service programs. Instead of accepting a program from me, both women would go to another greeter instead. If I just happened to be the only greeter available, they would would go without a program or the daughter of the pair would send her husband for programs. Yet, even he would not speak to me but would motion for me to give him a program.

Pretty soon, though, several people would walk by me, not take a program from me, or even look at me. I found that I stood to greet without being able to greet anyone. This was a humiliating ritual that I was subjected to, but it was hard to pinpoint just who knew what was occurring against me via these women. They had some how crafted an invisible cloak that they had placed upon me to make me invisible to everyone else too. It was the most painful experience. I went from being visible to being completely cut off into a land of invisibility.

During service, I normally sat with these ladies in the congregation. They always saved me a seat if I did not have duties elsewhere, but during their shunning of me, they closed off the extra seat to me and sat in stonewall-like positions turned away from me. I was all but banished to a new domain. Yet, that was okay. I was fine to sit alone because that was the way I began with this congregation – sitting alone. However, I found over time during this shunning experience that I was relegated to the actual backrow of the congregation – a place for visitors … where most visitors chose never to sit.

The women’s shunning against me shifted onto other members as well – some who were part of the actual congregation’s dance team. It was to the point that I had become an enemy and a specific target of shunning. The women and their advocates would go out of their way to make sure I knew that they had launched a shunning and a smear campaign against me. I am not sure of all the things that they said about me, but it was always apparent that when I would walk up to almost anywhere within the sanctuary that there were blank stares and whispers when I would come around a group of members. Additionally, some members of the congregation would close off open seats to me by placing a book in an empty spot or pretending to not hear me when I made seating requests.

I wish I were just paranoid, but I often heard some of the things said to my face in condescending and dismissive ways like “You’re not the true dedicated follower I thought” or as if speaking to someone else in front of me “Watch out … she’s not fully committed”. These situations, took me back to the days of old when I had first joined the congregation and was attempting to find my place. Some of the members did not make it easy for me at all. I should have bailed out before I started if it was going to continue to be so hard. I was a trooper throughout believing that I had to suffer for the cause of Christ the Messiah as it was so often preached as a message. Yet, I did not understand at the time that suffering against Christians was a huge red flag and that I was some place toxic.

Anyway, these women had sown so many seeds of dissension against me that the pastor and one of the men in leadership pulled me to a side room for a small meeting after a service. Since both had looks of concern of their faces, I was hoping for relief. Instead, I received discipline.

The pastor: What is going on between you and [the women]. I have never seen them in such a tizzy. Whatever you have done has offended them to the highest of heavens! Please correct this now.

I was puzzled by what sounded like stern discipline and blame-shifting onto me when my side of the story was not even known to them. The other church leader present did not speak, but he stared at me with eyes that spoke silent condescension against me.

Me: All that I did was stop attending dance because I was accepted into a graduate school program. I also took on a part-time job to pay for the cost of grad classes. I never intended to hurt anyone by doing so.

Both the pastor and the church leader stared at me and then stared at each other in disbelief.

The man in leadership: Wait. What?

I really was not sure what else could be said, but I was feeling a pack of tears welling up inside of me, and I did not need a great damn of water bursting forth from my eyes on the spot.

The pastor: This is not what I was expecting.

I simply stared into a void of words. I was not sure what more I could say besides the truth of the story. I even tried going back into time when I was friends with these women to determine where things had gone wrong. I could see nothing besides the fact that they were gossips, but other than that, with me, I could not see where I truly had offended them.

The man in leadership: Well, if that’s all there is, then this should be easily settled.

Me: How’s that?

The man in leadership: You can talk to them.

Me: How … when I’ve already tried. They are not speaking to me. They refuse to speak to me. They go out of their way not to speak to me.

The pastor: The bible teaches that when we have sinned against our brothers and sisters, we are to go to them and seek forgiveness … make the situation right.

Me: Then they should be coming to me. They are the one’s who are shunning me … treating me as if I’m invisible. They are the one’s behaving without God’s love. I haven’t changed, and I haven’t sinned against them either. In fact, I told them ahead of time of my decision to leave dance. So I do not know why they are carrying on so. I did not do anything to them.

The pastor: Let’s not judge. We have to be willing to accept our part in the situation, and turn the other cheek when others wrong us.

Me: I’m not judging. I’m just stating the facts. Their behavior is not of God. They are treating me as if I have done something wrong when I have not. I left dance class – not their lives.

My face felt hot. There was a burning sensation. It was the kind of sensation I feel when I become flustered and frustrated with explaining myself when explanations do no good. This pastor was not hearing me. He was shifting blame onto me. He was making the shunning my responsibility as if I had deserved it. I did not know how much more I could explain myself, but it was apparent I needed to explain myself out of a hole that was assumed that I had dug for myself.

The man in leadership had a strange expression on his face. I wondered if he considered that I was not wrong and just did not want to say so. Yet, I felt that there was something else that he was not willing to say. I was then immediately struck by the memory of how I always sensed that something was off about the two women and wondered if the man in leadership knew something that I did not know. I did not ask though. He would not have told me anyway.

The pastor: You seem like you might be the bigger person in this matter based on how you have handled this situation already. If you want this situation to be resolved, you might need to be the one who clears the air.

I heard the pastor, but did a double take within my mind. Like what? Why would I resolve the situation? I was literally not thinking about being the bigger person. I was the wounded person. I was the one being shunned and smeared against. Yet, here this man of God was suggesting that I be the one to resolve the situation. Although I did not want animosity from these two women or others within the congregation, I felt that I was being blamed for behavior on their parts. I felt as if I were being punished for being punished, and I could not rectify within my mind how this was fair. Where was the accountability? I was being told to clear the air when the women were the ones who polluted it.

The meeting with the pastor and the man in leadership ended with me feeling as if I was the cause of all the problems, but I replied “okay” as if I would handle it. My shunning had suddenly become my responsibility to make right all because I had chosen to quit dance because of a professional decision. As a result, I was being both shunned and ridiculed for my decision. This meeting left me feeling a lot worse.

I suffered being seemingly chastised by leadership for the choices of other people to shun and smear me, but that was supposed to be okay, and I was supposed to be okay with it. I was expected to take the high road despite the treatment I received for what … because one of the women was somewhat elderly? Or because they could not accept the decisions I made for my own life? These women were both wrong and so were the pastor and the man in leadership for seemingly defending them, but I did not know if these men had not also addressed the women. I just assumed that they had not.

Needless to say, I prayed about the situation. I agonized over what to do. Yet, I never sensed that God gave me any direction on the matter one way or the other, but I felt that I could not live my life being shunned in the church. The shunning by these women and others had affected me so to where I had increased anxiety over being at church. I changed the course of my movements just so that I could have peace while attempting to worship, pray, and hear the message. I decided to confront these women because their shunning had dramatically affected my worship experience.

At long last, I worked up the nerve to address the two women after a service. I had not even rehearsed what I was going to say as was the norm for me. I caught both women off guard while they were walking to their car. Of the two women, the daughter’s husband intercepted me and said, “You’re not about to hurt my wife again are you?” I stared at him incredulously. He seemed to have a sinister smile on his face. I only wanted to talk to them – not him. “What? No”, I replied, “I never intended to hurt her from the start.”

By this point, because of the husband’s loudness, a mutual dance member from the class the two women and me shared together walked over in our direction. I decided to speak to the two women who were now facing me because I did not want to cause a crowd to saunter over. I basically spoke to both women in a cracked soft-voice but with firmness in presentation. “It was never my intention to hurt either of you. I left dance to pursue an education. It had nothing to do with either of you. I am not angry with either of you. I do not have a reason to be. You have both been nothing but kind to me. So if by shunning me and treating me as if I am dead to you works in your favor, then it will work for me too.”

I heard the older of the two women [the mother] clear her voice to speak, but I had already turned to walk away. I heard my name called by the husband, and I abruptly stopped to look. The two women walked towards me. The only way I know to explain what happened next is to say that a puff of wind breezed across my face in a whisper. I did not hear an audible word, but I knew the word was beguiling. I also felt strongly that I was not to stick around. I did not want a confrontation, and I did not want people to gather around, but by these women walking towards me, I sensed that they were up to something, and it was not good.

The mother spoke for both of the two women. “Are you okay, Sweetie? There is nothing wrong. We have been worried about you. We are not angry with you. We do not wish you dead? How could you say such a thing?” I watched the woman’s lips, and then I looked at the lips of her daughter. Again, I saw the words beguile, and I decided it was best not to engage. I only muttered the words “okay”, and I turned to walk away.

I realized the women were attempting to entrap me. They were attempting to make me look foolish … like I was the bad guy by gaslighting me … by beguiling me and other bystanders with their words. I chose not to stick around and give reason to create a scene. I dislike drama, and suddenly regretted trying to talk to them. I walked swiftly to my car. I was fighting back the tears. I got in my car and watched the two women walk to theirs talking intently.

I simply wanted to express to them how I felt, but that was a mistake. I apologized even though there was no reason for me to do so. Perhaps in their minds, though, they believed I owed them an apology. Nevertheless, I decided to close this chapter and move on. I knew that there was no going back. These ladies were as done with me as I was with them. I left what they had done to me on them. I was not going to take it on, but if I was dead to them, then so be it.

Over the next few weeks, my graduate school life became super busy, and I was fatigued from working both my full-time and part-time jobs. Although I missed dance, I knew I had made the right decision for me at the time. I do not regret ending my time at dance. I do not regret starting my graduate school journey. Still, though, I reminisced over the dances I learned whenever I listened to music.

Normally, church was a way to unwind and release, but since the shunning situation and my confrontation with the two women, my attendance at church became lax. When I did go, I arrived after the “meet and greet” [a time that I tried to miss anyway as an introvert], and I left right before the dismissal when the children returned into the sanctuary from their study classes. I no longer wanted to be in a place where I was being shunned simply for existing. I had no one on my side either. I was isolated and alone.

I, in fact, became less involved with the congregation because of being shunned and more involved in my studies. If it was my turn to greet at the door, I would show up just in time for my duties, keep a smile on my face, and fight through all the hoopla. Eventually, the two ladies stopped by the door where I stood to take a flyer from me. I greeted them all the same. Over time, they began speaking to me, but things were just never the same.

The women never apologized for their shunning of me. They never even acknowledged that they had done anything wrong. For all I know, when the pastor and the man in leadership who met with me would nod a greeting in my direction, perhaps they thought that I had taken the higher road and made the situation right, but it was never quite right again. Once I was shunned by these two women, I never looked at them or the members who participated with them in quite the same way again. My heart could not trust that they would not shun me again. For a time, things did go back to normal until something else happened, but that is for another blog post.

Stay tuned for more in this saga on Church Tales of Narcissistic Abuse.