Not In Sickness … Nor In Health

Narcissists do not care about you. They show they least care about you when you are sick. To narcissists, your sickness is your way of getting attention, and they do not want you to have attention. They want all of the attention on them. Although they could care less about you in your sickness, they actually prefer that you are sick because your sickness represents your misery, and they love to revel in your misery. For narcissists, if you are suffering, then good.

Narcissists Do Not Want To Be Bothered By Your Sickness

My very first experience dealing with a narcissist who had no empathy related to my sicknesses was with my mother. Although my father recalls a few times during my infancy where my mother’s lack of empathy over my illnesses warranted concern, my first remembrance with her disregard for my childhood sicknesses began when I was four.

When I was a lot older, I thought that maybe I simply was not my mother’s favorite child because she would shower tons of loving affection towards my other siblings when they were sick. Years later, however, I would realize that this was all a part of the triangulation game she played with us. Triangulation is something narcissists use to subdue and punish their targets.

Needless to say, my four year-old-self was very sick during a particular time I remember, and I desired my mother’s attention. Instead of consoling me and attending to my needs, she told me to stop acting like a baby and to leave her alone. I was four. How else was I supposed to react? To her, I was always aggravating her even though I do not recall ever bothering her that much.

Anyway, I went to my room and vomited all over the place because I was incredibly sick. I recall feeling weak, shivery, and feverish. Yet, instead of my mother rushing to my aid to help me, she took her time before coming to see me. When she did come into my room, she yelled at me for making such a mess. I was so sick that all I could manage to do was curl up into a fetal position and wait for her harsh tirade against me too pass. I remember covering my ears because the vibration of her voice caused me intense physical pain.

Although there were other instances with my mother’s lack of empathy towards my physical maladies, I recall another more vivid time when I was suffering from the flu. The flu virus had actually wreaked havoc upon everyone in the household rendering some of my family members sicker than others. Yet, of all the siblings, I was the one who lacked the proper care from my mother.

I was 16 at the time of this illness, and instead of my mother reacting to me as she had done with my other siblings with seeming care and devotion, she questioned whether I was even sick. She asked if I might be pregnant. I was too stunned and sick to speak. I really did not know how to answer her simply because my mother never asked me questions to get actual answers. She asked questions to accuse whoever she was questioning.

Being that I was a an introverted bookworm who was devoted to my studies, worked a part-time job after school so that I could afford the luxuries of being a modern teenager, and spent most of my time in my room listening to music and living inside my head with daydreams, I hardly had time for any other extracurricular activities because I did not go anywhere else. By most accounts I was an odd and stifled teenager locked inside of my own world. My parents made sure that I remained in an infantilized state knowing nothing about the “real” world.

Because of my mother’s behavior towards me during this time of flu sickness, that was the last time I ever allowed myself to share with her that I was sick. She had no sense of empathy or compassion for me. Despite me being so sick that I felt as if I was going to die, my mother begrudgingly only came to my aid at my father’s request. She loathed every second she had to attend to me, and she made sure that I knew this. She spoke to me with such callousness that it pained me to listen to her voice.

My mother spewed such hatred against me over my illness that I was glad when she refused to stay home from work with me for the entire week that I had to miss school. I spent the week home alone even though I was too sick to care for myself. I was fortunate that I could sleep the days away with medicine, sips of water and fruit for snacks. A few times, my dad took his lunch break from work to check in on me, but my mother never gave me the time of day.

Now that I am an adult and have gone no-contact from my mother for some years, her voice messages to me during various times of my no-contact with her ring a sound of supposed concern for my health. It is only now that my health seems to be of concern to her when she no longer has access to me. Yet, I do not recall one time at all where she ever came to my aid to behave as the mother I desired her to be to me when I was ill. In fact, I seemed to be nothing more than a nuisance to her.

Sickness In The Cycle Of Abuse

Narcissists seem to only show they care about you during the idealize phase of narcissistic abuse. When you are in the devalue or discard phase with them, they never cease to show their lack of care and concern for you. I do not recall ever being sick during the idealization phases with my mother. Maybe that explains why she was never attentive to me. However, with some other narcissists during my life, I was fortunate enough to receive their version of “care”.

Unfortunately, however, the idealize phase of narcissistic abuse is just a phase that is only a representation of reality. The reality of the matter is that whenever any narcissist is nice to you when you are sick, just know that deep down inside, they despise helping you and are only there for you because of their own agenda. If they must be around you, then they will use that opportunity of your sickness against you later. They give only to receive in return.

In my experience, narcissists who were nice to me while I was sick was all a part of them keeping up their reputation as so-called helpers. They wanted to be revered as the so-called benevolent kindhearted people who were always there for others. Yet, what they did for me was never really about me. It was always about them. What they did for me always had to be televised to others in such a grand way that I knew I owed them something – mainly my gratitude and worship to them.

One former narcissistic frenemy and coworker always made it a point to talk about how much she was there for me around our mutual coworkers if I was ill. She would go into great detail, and this display of detail would always win her the adoration from others that she desired to hear. When I caught on that she only helped me to get recognition from others, I stopped telling her about my health even if I had sniffles. I also erased her as my emergency contact.

Still, another narcissistic frenemy would seemingly reach out to me to encourage me if I were not feeling well, but then ignore my boundaries to cut our conversations short so that I could rest and replenish myself. I will never forget feeling that something was off about her before I began learning more in-depth about narcissistic personality disorder. She seemed to simply ignore the fact that I was sick and continued talking as if I was not suffering on the other end of the phone.

I always sensed an emptiness – an actual hollowness about her. There was just more than a lack of empathy or compassion that I discerned that she did not have about her. There was a lot more, but I could never put my finger on what was wrong. It was as if she were soulless and void of the ability to exude emotions for me. I could also sense strongly that she did not care and seemed to enjoy the fact that I was suffering.

This narcissistic frenemy called another time when I was extremely ill, and despite me telling her so, she proceeded to have an exasperating conversation with me. She talked so loudly into the phone as if she had turned the volume up to the loudest decibel. She had absolutely no sympathy for my suffering. At one point, I literally felt that she was smirking through the phone. Once I caught a glimpse of this in my thoughts, I knew that she was purposefully trying to keep me on the phone to prolong my suffering.

At that, I abruptly ended the conversation without giving her a chance to respond, and then I turned my phone ringer off so that I did not have to hear her return calls. Afterwards, I remember feeling so puzzled by her behavior. In fact, her behavior stayed with me for days until I began googling what might be wrong with her. I knew it was not just my imagination running away with me. I was dealing with a narcissistic sociopath. She did not care about my sickness and only seemed to enjoy my suffering and misery. It was strange and sinister to say the least.

Not In Sickness … Nor In Health

Narcissists do not care about your sickness. They do not care about your health at all either. They only care how it all benefits them in their own agendas. So if they are nice to you when you are sick, you are definitely being love bombed by them or maybe even hoovered back into their realm. If they are not nice to you while you are ill, then you are definitely being devalued or even discarded by them. Either way, they do not care about you … not in sickness and definitely not in health.