Book Patrol
As the patrol of books continued upon the members of the church by the pastor and leadership team, members continued to quietly discuss books amongst each other. I was a part of a small friendship group of women who liked to share book titles when discussing various spiritual topics. We never ventured outside of our small group to talk to others so that we did not have to partake of the book collection drive.
At some point, though, one of the friends of the group began talking to others about the books in our various collections, and this resulted in our friendship circle being unknowingly spied upon for information. I was approached by someone I perceived to be a friend only to find out later that she was being used to spy upon my book collection. This person came to me requesting information about a particular book that she wanted to borrow since it was sold out in the local Christian book store.
Thinking that this person sincerely needed help, I answered her questions about the book, and when she asked if she could borrow my book to read, I loaned it to her. Over the course of a week or two, she finished the book and returned it to me, and I did not give it any more thought. She was very gracious and relayed to me how the book had helped her. I thought her overly generous reply about the events of her personal life to me were a bit much, but if she was grateful that the book had helped her, I was happy for her.
Within a week after this person returned my book to me, I received a personal phone call from the pastor of the church. After a few phone salutations and greetings, the pastor got to the point of the call. The pastor was not happy with me. The call was a personal attack.
The pastor: It’s my understanding that [the member] borrowed the book [title] from you.
Me: Yes. That’s correct.
The pastor: That’s a pretty deep and heavy spiritual book.
Me: Yes. Most people think so.
The pastor: What do you think?
Me: It’s not heavy for me because of my own personal experiences. Is there a problem?
The pastor: Yes. I think this book is not for spiritual babies.
Me: Huh?
The pastor: [The member] is a spiritual babe in Christ. She cannot handle such tough meat. She is on baby food, and the topic that you have made open to her has her asking a lot of questions.
I felt a hot flash of shame come across my face. I could hear a sternness in the pastor’s voice, and I felt as if I were being scolded for something.
The pastor: This is a book that I believe needs to be brought to the church and placed in our book collection for the drive. This book is nothing but trouble. My own child has suffered great ramifications from reading that book. Instead of helping her get closer to God, it only caused her to dabble into the dark side.
Me: Sorry to hear about [the daughter], but that was not my experience. I chose to read the book because it mirrored my own experiences.
The pastor: You are obviously not a baby in Christ and can chew on and digest what you read. I wish you had conferred with me before loaning that book to [the member].
I was confused.
Me: But [the member] is an adult. I’m not sure why I need to confer with you about books I read in my own home or who I choose to loan a book to.
The pastor: As head of the church, I have a duty to protect the members from error, and you and others who do this [loan books to others] make my job more difficult. I had to think long and hard about how to answer [the member’s] questions about the book.
I was feeling frustration within myself. A growing ball of anxiety was arising within me. I was being condemned for loaning another member a book, and to me, this did not make any sense – particularly as adults.
The pastor: You really should have sought counsel about this book before loaning it.
I was taken aback by this conversation. I was literally thrown for a loop and could barely find the words to make sense of the conversation. The pastor was talking to me as if I were a child.
Me: Why? It’s my book. [The member] came to me. We are both adults.
The pastor: She is a babe in Christ.
Me: She might be a babe in Christ, but she’s still an adult, and so am I.
The pastor: We have to take care of the babies. I have to take care of the babies. I am the shepherd leading the flock. It is my responsibility to make sure that the little foxes do not spoil the vine.
I felt a twinge of annoyance that was becoming finely tuned anger within me. The sternness within the pastor’s voice echoed disapproval. I wanted to get off the phone, but I also wanted to stand my ground.
The pastor: This book is more damaging than good. As I said, I have seen the repercussions upon my own family. Maybe this hasn’t been your case, but as pastor, I am admonishing you not to share this book with anyone else. This is what I spoke about at church … that we would no longer be sharing these books with others. I am placing this book title on the banned books list for the church.
Me: This book is based on a person’s life story. It’s about overcoming obstacles, abuse, and trauma. It’s about restoration and being set free. If that’s damaging, then the book shouldn’t have been read by you or your family members. That has nothing to do with me and the countless others who the book resonated with. That’s just not my experience. How is something that is designed to minister to others a banned book for the church? I don’t get it.
The pastor: I forbid you to loan that book to anyone else.
Woah! Did I hear this pastor correctly? What? Why did I immediately hear the sound of my parents coming through this pastor’s voice?
Me: You forbid me? You can’t forbid me to do anything. You might nicely request that I not loan the book, but I still have a choice. I’m an adult. You are not my parent. Even my own parents can’t forbid me to do something.
The pastor: Then you are not being obedient.
I was silent for a moment because of the shock of it all. Was I hearing correctly? The growing sense of anger was now sitting within my stomach as a hot fireball of heat. I tried to remain calm while talking on the phone.
Me: I don’t have to be obedient to you. You are not God. You cannot control what I do inside of my home. You cannot control my interactions with others. Even in the church, you can’t do that. I have a free will.
I could hear a deafening silence over the phone. I feared my words had pierced through the pastor’s thoughts, and I knew I had it coming, but I continued talking.
Me: Babies don’t stay babies long. Maybe the [the member] wanted to read the book because of her own curiosities. I don’t know. Maybe that’s something to ask her. Maybe she doesn’t want to be a baby and wants to learn and grow. You can’t stop people from reading books. The information is out there. Maybe the church should consider addressing these curiosities instead of trying to control them.
The pastor and I were not seeing eye to eye on this issue, and I was not about to relent. No! I was not giving up my books. They were my books and I was not giving them to the church. I sensed the pastor’s desire to control and overtake me, and I was going to fight against it. I could hear and feel my voice wavering and a deep urge to cry from the disbelief that I was even having this type of conversation in the first place. I felt hot all over and debased in a manner that made me feel less than the person I was talking to over the phone.
The pastor: The expectation is that all members bring their books to the collection drive. You have to be led to do the right thing. I cannot make that decision for you. You will either let these books go or there will be an issue for you.
Me: My books are not an issue for me, but they sound like an issue for you, but that’s not my problem. And you are right. You cannot make my decisions for me, and I will not allow you to. You will have to trust the relationship I have with God to know the right course for my life. Right now, I must say that God is not leading me to part with the book or any of my books. I had this book before I ever set became a member of that church. I won’t be forced to do anything I don’t want to do or feel led to do. I think it’s bold of you to think that I am going to just because you say so.
The particular book that this pastor had a problem with was in the possession of quite a few of the church members. The book was not new but had recently become a popular topic of discussion in the women’s group and was in high demand. It had basically gone obsolete in quite a number of Christian book stores, but I had purchased the book long before I ever became a member of the church.
For whatever reason, the book became on the pastor’s radar when one of the members of my friendship circle had begun to talk about it with members outside of the circle. It was because of this friend’s disclosure to the person that borrowed my book that I became a target of the pastor. I could only wonder why the friend did not loan her own book to the person instead. It did not make sense to me then, but looking back upon those events, I realize now that I was dealing with a narcissist (The Identity Thief).
This narcissist had gone behind everyone else’s back in our close-knit circle of friends to stir up trouble with outsiders in her attempts to be a pleasing church member to the pastor. I did not see this then, but it became very clear to me as I began studying narcissistic personality disorder. Nevertheless, with the pastor I did not relent. I stood my ground, but was marked by this pastor as an obstinate and rebellious church member. From this point on, a smear campaign was launched against me all over a book that still remains in my possession today.
My Voice Unchained 