Not all of my encounters with toxic situations have been with narcissists, but a great deal of these situations have been with narcissists. Some toxic situations were with people who I would classify as enablers, flying monkeys, and plain users. These people do not fit the criteria for narcissists, but they are manipulative in their ways nonetheless. They show up out of the blue and then disappear as quickly as they appeared on the scene. They do not come back again until they need something.
I hate this. I hate only being thought of in regards to simply being a need in someone’s life and nothing more. I like to be needed, but I do not want to be used for needs and then dumped as soon as the need has been met. There is something baseless about this act that leaves me feeling like a dirty rag to later be discarded in the trash. I would rather not be thought of at all, and if I must be thought of, I would rather be a fleeting memory.
Nevertheless, this use of me for whatever purpose has happened to me over the years with people I assumed were my friends but were merely acquaintances at best. After enough experience with these user types, I got the clue of my worth to them. I cut my losses, and I cut them off too. So it continues to be now for me in the present. I have decided not to have these types of people in my life anymore – no matter how much I like them.
An Optional Friend
For user types, I now understand and know that I am their option for a friend. I know that I am chosen because user types like having access to me for their own reasons. They do this with whomever is not a direct part of their true friendship circles (although they might do this with their true friends as well). The user types may not even talk to me for long periods of time, but because I considered them “friendly” enough to me, I would still talk to them.
One user contacted me recently after close to two years of absolutely no contact. Contact like this seemingly out of the blue always makes me suspicious of the person’s motives because users never contact me because they care about me. They contact me because of their own personal agenda. They just want to use me, and if I let them know that I am available, that is their cue to turn on their charm.
The particular user who contacted me was once a former colleague until she took a job elsewhere. I loved her personality and simply thought she was an overall cool person. We would talk frequently about different things, and although our conversations never went too terribly deep, I enjoyed laughing with her and learning new things. I suppose I valued what I perceived as her friendship to me more than what she valued of me. When she resigned her position and moved on to a new journey, we still kept in touch, but over time, our conversations with each other became infrequent until they were nonexistent.
It was not until this user heard that I had left my position at our former mutual place of employment that she reached out to me. There was cheerful discussion and a promise to keep in touch, but I knew that I would not hear from her. In fact, until recently, I had not heard from her in nearly two years. My previous attempts to reconnect with her were met with promises of her checking her calendar. Otherwise, she was always silent and unresponsive to my texts. So I took the hint and decided to no longer bother her. I attributed it to life just being busy and the fact that I had no true connection with her.
Fast forward to two years later and I get a surprise text. This user just picked up our conversation from where we had originally left off as if no time had passed between us at all. I was somewhat shocked to say the least because she had not replied to my previous text to her in a conversation that she basically left with a bit of a cliffhanger of questions. I was annoyed by her bravado. It annoys me when I feel like someone is testing the waters to feel me out without any regard for their own dismissiveness of me in the first place.
Although I do have actual friendships where distance and time apart does not change the relationship, these friends are not users. Mutually, we do not call each other simply to use each other. This is not the case with users, however. This user texted me simply to make use of me all while hinting to the promise of continued friendship. I did not buy what she was selling me though. I had already grown tired and leery of these types of connections with people. She obviously had not gotten the memo {sarcasm here}.
Shortly after an exchange of textual pleasantries and smiling emojis between us, the user must have realized that I was not buying into whatever she was selling. No sooner than she reached out to me, she abruptly stopped communicating with me altogether. True to form, the user left me hanging once again with a promise to reconnect. Instead of holding on for a promise, I blocked her from further contacting me ever again.
Perhaps that is a bit harsh, but at this point in my life, I am no longer willing to allow a person to play games with me. Life is too short to spend it with people who do not sincerely care about me. As the picture to this blog states, “head games are for children.” I have long since grown up, and I do not play head games with people, and I certainly do not want people playing head games with me.
My Voice Unchained 