Reminded Of The Past
I was reminiscing on past relationships when I thought about a time when I was in high school and had befriended a guy who ultimately became like a best friend to me. We would hang out from time to time under the guise that I was hanging out with his sisters so as not to arouse my parents’ suspicions about my friendship with a boy.
I always felt guilty for sneaking around to hang out with my friend even though we had no romantic ties at all. It was considered to be strange by others to hang out with a guy and there be nothing going on. I think this was just how relationships were perceived at the time. Today, things are somewhat different. Although I know that it still makes sense for parents to not want to give youth too much privacy.
Needless to say, when I would go over to my friend’s house, we would hang out in every room of the house but his own room. Although the doors in all rooms remained opened at all times by requirement, my friend never wanted me to go into his room. He would always give me three options to choose from, but none of those options ever included his own room.
At the time, I thought it was peculiar because if he wanted to talk to me about something personal, he would risk the embarrassment of having other family members walk in on us while we were talking. When I did question him about the reason his room was off limits, he would simply say it was too messy for visitors. I was not surprised to find that this was true. His room was actually very messy.
As I reminisced over this particular memory, I thought about how there are certain aspects of narcissists that are off limits with targets no matter how close targets and narcissists appear to be to each other. Narcissists will only allow you to be as close to them as they can tolerate, and even when you think you are close to them, you definitely are not close. You are never close enough.
Locked Out Of The Abode
Narcissists keep you just beyond the peripheral of their gates. They do not allow you to enter in. Their chambers are closed off to you. You can enter into their homes but not into their hearts (metaphorically speaking). Despite being able to see into who they are even with your spiritual eyes open, many narcissists will not risk allowing themselves to be vulnerable with you. Such a risk is far too painful and excruciatingly shameful for them. Taking such risks is often worse than them taking off their masks to reveal the ugly side of themselves to you.
In my experience, I have seen that vulnerable place with several narcissists. I have even sat in silence with them when that vulnerability would appear to me. Be that as it may, narcissists’ attempts to keep their true selves under wraps often falls to the wayside during moments when neither the narcissists nor I have expected it. These were rare occurrences of vulnerability with them that I knew they did not want shared with anyone else. At the time, I saw these as candidly intimate moments, but over time, I came to understand these moments as their greatest fears manifesting before me.
The shame of exposure that radiated from their bodies and transferred into narcissists’ faces was too difficult for them to contain, and I knew that they could not risk allowing anyone else to know the shame they experienced in those vulnerable moments with me. Perhaps when they are alone with themselves they were much more vulnerable, but I do not know for sure. For the most part, I just sat in silence with them and let them be in their moments. I would sit quietly as they bellowed out wails of tears – their bodies often heaving over in extreme agony from deep hurts.
The fact that I sat in silence with them and empathized with the depth of their pain and tried to understand their pain made for what I thought was a tender moment no matter how short-lived … and it was short-lived. It is like I almost made it to the individual hearts, but their hearts had been capsized and covered with so much stuff … so much debris … so much pain … so much anger … so much hatred and so much pride. It is the pride that keeps the narcissists from allowing anyone into the deepest chambers to who they are and beyond the masks they wear.
Amazingly, I was seemingly allowed close enough within certain chambers of these narcissists’ psyches to touch their pain and feel their need to emote. Most often, however, I still remained at a distance. However, my simple gestures, a small touch, or carefully expressed words were sometimes all these narcissists needed to send them over the edge into an abyss of sorrow and expression. Sometimes I could almost tangibly reach out and connect with their pain in such a way that I became overwhelmed by it all. I could feel their pain, and I understood them. That was indeed empathy.
This ability to get so close to narcissists was my reason for believing that they would change. This ability to get so close allowed me the opportunity to see their humanness … that maybe they were not so different from me after all and that the way they internalized and handled pain was simply different in the way that I internalized and handled my own pain. That ability to empathize with them was one of the reasons I stood by them even when it hurt me desperately to do so.
Unfortunately, once I was able to peer into their inner sanctum, they realized their secrets had been somewhat exposed, and my knowledge of who they really were deep down would somehow end them, and narcissists are just not going to allow exposure. There is no getting close. Narcissists will not allow it. If for some reason that this closeness does happen, narcissists will first gaslight themselves into believing that it never happened, and then they will gaslight you into accepting that they will remain unchanged, and for the most part, remaining unchanged is the sad truth.
Invited Into The Home But Not The Heart
Although I never knew enough about my friend from high school to perceive that he was a narcissist, I knew enough to know that he was guarded with me about the deepest parts of himself. I had two opportunities where I knew that he genuinely expressed emotions over hurts, and I sat with him both times as he cried in anguish. I had seen the harshest parts of his personality, but I still stuck around him and called him my friend. He did the same for me.
I respected his boundaries, and I never required him to share anything with me that he did not want to share with me. Yet, I could not help but wonder about his woundedness, his thoughts, and his perception of life. Like me, he was a deep thinker with a different type of intensity and a loner of sorts but outgoing enough that he could be the life of the party. Remembering my time with him made me think of the various people who have kept themselves walled up within their self-made chambers as they struggle to cope with extreme anguish and pain.
The good thing is that I could always empathize, and the bad thing is that I could always empathize. Only for certain moments did some of these narcissists signify with a glimmer within their eyes that they might have appreciated my care and concern for them during their most vulnerable moments with me, but that glimmer may have also been the realization that I did care, and they could take advantage of the fact that I did care.
Seeing the vulnerability of narcissists has always been a tough place for me because after the fact I know that devaluation and discard is coming my way. There is no win-win with narcissists. It is the main reason I gave up on completing my studies in mental health. I thought I could help narcissists, but I came to learn through diligence and longsuffering that helping narcissists is simply beyond my power. Narcissists must want to change. They have to want to reach out for help. They have to navigate the course of their own deliverance and healing in the same way that I must do so.
In the end, narcissists must be willing to invite others into a place where no one seems to gain access because no one seems to know that the homes they create are nothing more than facades of what they continue to hide, and that which remains hidden is their hearts – their true core selves.
My Voice Unchained 