Intimate moments with a narcissist are never truly intimate. In the typical sense, intimacy foretells of closeness that builds through connection with someone over time. That connection can come with being physical and emotional or a mixture of the two. With a partner, sexual intimacy creates a bond that can bring the two individuals together in a stronger connective way. However, when dealing with a narcissist, you get less than what you bargain for in intimacy and more than what you bargain for in gains of internal emotional pain.
Intimacy with a narcissist can send you on an emotional tailspin. There are extreme highs and extreme lows to the relationship and supposed connection. The cycle of narcissistic abuse seems to move through the stages of idealization, devaluation, and discard rather quickly and in a turbulent progression. A great time can be foiled by a narcissist without you even knowing how the descent into sadness even happened, but when it happens, it tends to happen quickly with very little you can do to stop it.
Narcissists Sincerely Care About Performance
At the start of a romance with a narcissist, things are seemingly great. You are in the idealization phase of narcissistic abuse where there are no occurrences of abuse like sarcasm, subtle jabs, or remarks intended to bring you humiliation. Instead, you are love-bombed with so many darts of love hearts that you never consider the fact that the person you are with is even a narcissist. All things appear heavenly without the knowledge that hell flames are waiting around the corner to give you a slap into reality.
In the beginning, the narcissist appears to place all of the focus on you. It is all about you and your needs because the narcissist aims to please you. Yet, this is all a ruse. Once the narcissist has you in their clutches, the mask they use to hide their true selves slips off. In a past relationship with the narcissist I almost married, I believed that I truly loved him. I had not learned that I had only experienced my soul tying itself to his soul making our minds, wills and emotions almost interchangeable.
Unfortunately, sex with a narcissist is an easy way to spiritually open yourself to being mirrored and fooled into believing that there is a true and loving bond when nothing could be further from the truth. Although this narcissist (like another narc) presented me with his best self, it was his worst self that came out during intimate times together when I least expected it. Ultimately, what was to be an intimate and romantic moment was more about his performance or seemingly lack thereof.
I was often confronted with a whiny brat throwing a temper tantrum over something I might have said, done, or insinuated by my behavior that had more meaning for him than it actually signified for me. I would be left in an emotionally injurious state attempting to make sense of what went wrong. Everything I did or did not do was always being scrutinized to the point that those special intimate moments with the narcissist were no longer special or truly intimate anymore. It was madness because I was with a mad man.
Staring From The Window
After a rather mechanical intimate moment, I was struck by the way that the narcissist behaved towards me. He had changed from a caring and romantic lover into a brutish beast. There was something in his eyes that seemed distant and far away. There was a switch. He was so focused on himself that it seemed that he did not even know I was present. I stared into his eyes, but he only seemed to look past me. I tried to read his thoughts, but it was apparent to me that anything emotional about the moment had been shut off. I felt irrelevant.
After the love tryst had ended, we talked a lot about nothing as I stared out of the second story window. I had taken note of the intricacies and connected property lines separated by gates in our neighbors’ backyards. I had never noticed this before and freely made a comment about it. I was fascinated, but the narcissist was annoyed by my fascination. He said in a matter of fact way that I needed to stop being nosy. For whatever reason, my internal guard went up, and I felt an immediate need to defend myself.
The narcissist was unmoved and unrelenting, but I quickly affirmed that I was just making an observation. He said again that I needed to mind my own business and stop worrying about the neighbor’s yard. He sounded offended, but I did not understand the reason. As I normally did when his abrupt attacks on my thoughts about anything would occur, I tried defending myself through explanations. What had happened? We just shared a seemingly intimate moment, but he grew colder in tone towards me.
Then out of the blue and out of the context of the current discussion he commented what was really on his mind.
The narcissist: I hope I wasn’t as quick this time.
I was confused, but then I realized that he was stuck on his sexual performance when I heard him speak again.
The narcissist: The last time you said I was too quick.
I immediately recalled what he meant because he had been subtly mentioning this fact a few times before. He had wanted to improve upon his performance, but I had mentioned nothing. He took what I said completely out of context.
Me: What? I said the time was quick because I wished that moment of spending time with you could have lasted longer. I enjoy our times together. That’s all I meant. It had nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do.
The narcissist: I lasted longer this time didn’t I?
Me: Well, yeah. You did. Is that all you care about?
The narcissist completely ignored me and turned even colder towards me. His body language was dismissive of me. I felt a twinge of hurt inside of me. I could feel myself gulp for air.
The narcissist gathered my keys and glasses off of the dresser and placed them in my hands. That was a signal to me that he wanted me to leave. I felt like I was being discarded like trash.
Me: So you’re kicking me out?
The narcissist: Why do you think that? I’m not kicking you out. We’re both leaving. Didn’t you say you needed to go?
Me: Why are you being mean to me?
The narcissist: Let’s go.
Me: You’re being mean to me. Why? What did I do? All because you think I’m being nosey over neighbors’ property lines? What’s wrong with you?
The narcissist: You’re being silly right now.
Me: And you’re being an asshole! If you only knew how little I cared about your performance then that would not be your focus. If it was about your performance, I would not be with you. I don’t care about that. I care about you. I care about my time with you.
The narcissist: Ok. [But his glance at me was condescending and dismissive of me with a smirk.]
We both walked out of the room and downstairs. I grew silent. He continued talking. His voice sounded muffled, and I did not hear his words. I wanted to cry. I was trying to understand how a seemingly good time had gone wrong. I was happy, and then I was not. When I turned to look at him, he looked through me. When I reached out to touch him, he seemed to inwardly cringe. He did not want to be touched by me.
I turned away to walk out the door. I was too much in disbelief to cry. My emotions had not surfaced enough for me to make sense of what was happening in that moment. The narcissist’s voice sounded robotic. He smacked me on the behind. “Be safe out there,” he said. When I turned around to say goodbye, he had already shut the door and walked away. “Is he angry?” I questioned myself. “What just happened?“
Stay tuned for the next post.
My Voice Unchained 