Sex With A Narcissist

Sex With A Narcissist

Based on my experiences, I can only gather that narcissists have the most fragile egos. Anything you say or insinuate through your gestures, glances, or expressions will be held against you – if not sooner then much later for sure. I never knew what to make of such devaluing occurrences against me with narcissists except to let the tidal waves of their animosity against me calm and settle. Yet, even if they settled, their tidal waves were not of my creation in the first place. The issue they had was really with themselves. Their waves of emotional anger already existed because they were in competitions with themselves and everyone else (of their own making).

Sex with a narcissist is an absolute nightmare after the heavenly moments of love-bombing dissipate and level off into the next phase of narcissistic abuse. Narcissists are quick to go from being attentive and loving during sex to being hateful and distant. There is often no rhyme or reason to their changing moods. When I thought I had a bond with a narcissist, I was quickly but metaphorically slapped into reality. A true bond can never exist with the narcissist. Instead, the narcissist has always bonded me to their trauma and insecurities. I found myself constantly carrying the narcissist around with me like a grievous burden.

Even if I had no intention of worshiping the narcissist, I would live and breathe the narcissist for the sake of attempting to figure out just what made the narcissist tick. Any closeness I thought I felt was simply a figment of my imagination. I was bamboozled into believing that love somehow existed within the vortex of a nightmare. I was gaslighted into believing there was intimacy when it was only the narcissist looking for sexual gratification alone. I was only asked about my satisfaction as it related to the narcissist’s satisfaction. Sex with the narcissist was never really about me. It was always about the narcissist.

Sex With You And Your Feelings Are Irrelevant To A Narcissist

There is almost no sense in talking to a narcissist about your feelings. What you say goes in one of their ears while flowing quickly out of the other. The narcissist blocks what you say basically on purpose. You do not matter, and nothing you say matters either (unless it fits their agenda). The narcissist shows you how much you matter by simply behaving as if they are uninterested in what you have to say. The narcissist will shut you down by changing the subject, by subjecting you to their mindless and thoughtless comments, or by treating you as if you are a boring waste of space.

The narcissist is only thinking of themselves and their feelings. They want your opinion only when it mirrors what they believe about themselves. The narcissist has a high opinion of themselves and their sexual prowess is viewed as a gift to you. If you behave as if they are less than up to par, then you will suffer their wrath. It does not matter if you are not even thinking about them along these lines either. Just show them a miniscule of disinterest in what they have to offer you sexually – even if by mistake, and you are going to experience the worst of their devaluation of you [if they do not decide to discard you for a while altogether].

After the love-bombing phase has worn off, the narcissist only cares about your sexual pleasure in as much as it pleasures them. Then, the focus becomes all about them: their skills, their pleasure, and their gratification. The consideration the narcissist showed you during the love-bombing stage gets thrown out of the window as time with them progresses. Frankly, you more or less become just a body for which to complete their sexual act of gratification upon. You join the casualties of other bodies that pile up as narcissistic supply even if you have no idea that you are not the only body. Sex with you, to a narcissist, is irrelevant.

Sexual encounters with a narcissist becomes less about the encounter itself and more about the performance – not your performance but their performance. They only want to know that you enjoyed their performance. When the narcissist wants to know the details about your enjoyment, those details should be focused on them alone – not what you did or what you even got out of it. This is when it should dawn on you that the narcissist’s love-bombing is merely a façade to get what they want from you as it applies to them. Nothing else matters to them but them and what they want.

The Results Of Not Stroking The Narcissist’s Ego

For the narcissist, sex is mainly about validation for them. You might receive a few crumbs of “love” if you praise them with glorious comments about their performance. In fact, the narcissist thrives on your admiration of their skills. Your compliments bring them immense pleasure. Throw in a few “oh yeses” with squeals of delight, and the narcissist is essentially basking in the joy of your praises. However, if you express your own needs when it comes to sex, then be prepared to be ridiculed and demeaned in some way. If you do not give expression to their “greatness”, then they will silently take your lack of expression as an insult.

Anything that you might express as a desire from the narcissist might be seen as a challenge to their sexual prowess. Challenging the narcissist is never really a good idea because you immediately make yourself a more visible enemy (even though you already are the enemy). Since your behavior has a lot to do with how the narcissist perceives themselves, any critique or suggestion of what you want to experience with them sexually will land you on the side of the narcissist’s offense. So if you do not view the narcissist as “the best”, then you are going to feel their wrath while they continue to try to prove to you that they are the best.

The narcissist will attempt to prove to you that they are the best by insulting you and going the extra mile to show forth their sexual stamina the next time the two of you are together. The insults the narcissist rails against you are the worst because the narcissist will take digs at your appearance, your performance, and your flaws. To the narcissist, you are worthless [and perhaps even worse]. Anything that you point out about them that makes them feel less than will only garner more of their resentment against you. You can expect to be metaphorically thrown into a quickly dug grave set up for your demolishment.

Even if you are simply pointing out to the narcissist how you want to be treated differently [which may or may not have anything to do with the narcissist’s performance], your critique or suggestion will automatically be accepted by the narcissist as a critical narcissistic injury. A narcissistic injury is an almost fatal bruise to the narcissist’s ego from which they do not always fully recover from without taking the necessary revenge against you. Frankly, you will have wounded their very soul, and the emotion that the narcissist will refrain and mask from attempting to exhibit with you will be rage. Yet, that rage will escape them through the insults and degrading comments they sling your way, and you will certainly feel their energy has shapeshifted into the hatred they always try to contain from you.

Never have sex with a narcissist holding a narcissistic injury as a grudge against you. You will surely pay one way or the other. The cost is usually your self-worth bursting into flames, and if you manage to break away from the relationship to save yourself, then the narcissist will attempt to hoover you back so they can terrorize you some more. Hoovering a target back into the web of craziness is a narcissist’s specialty particularly because they like to use the charm that you once longed for during the relationship. Their charm is always fleeting, though, because behind their smile is a sinister grin of evil and contempt for you.

My Experience As An Example

In fact, in an effort to save my own heart from a deceitful narcissist, I refused to accept his marriage proposal. When the narcissist asked me to marry him, I only stared at him without responding. He was mortified, and I could see in his eyes the terror I had supposedly caused him, and it was in that moment that I knew I had caused him a narcissistic injury to his ego. My lack of response caused him to renig on the proposal, but even he knew it was too late to back out. My silence had spoken volumes to him, and he heard my silent no loud and clear.

After some time apart from him, I figured that his marriage to someone else less than a year after he proposed to me was my saving grace. Fast forward to over 20 years later, however, and this narcissist showed back up to hoover me with kind and loving words only to truly reveal to me that he had not forgiven me because he was that injured by my rejection to be his wife. He even had the nerve to mention our sexual relationship as a way to goad me, and he flipped the switch from kindness to his true self by projecting all of his crazy-making behaviors onto me. All I could say was good riddance, and I am grateful that I dodged a horrifyingly tragic marital situation with him.

Narcissists Feel Entitled To Sex

It is absolutely mind-boggling to me how entitled the narcissist reacts when it comes to sex. If you are not in the mood, sex becomes a weapon they use against you. Somehow, you not being in the mood means that you are rejecting them. The narcissist does not care if you are sick or practically dying. Your desire not to engage with them will be taken as your rejection of them. As retaliation, the narcissist will reject you in the future, play all sorts of mind games by stonewalling you, gaslighting you, or devaluing you. The narcissist might even insinuate that your fluctuating moods are the result of what they imagine as your cheating ways or any other issues that you may have that they use against you.

The narcissist will even go as far as to triangulate you with someone else that they might even claim that they will leave you for if you do not get a grip and fall in line with their desires. However, the truth of the matter is that the third party they mention is someone they are most likely already involved with in the first place. Normally, when I found myself facing extreme devaluation and ridicule from the narcissist regarding sex, I instinctively knew that I was on my way to being craftily discarded and blamed for the demise of the relationship. The narcissist would gaslight and guilt-trip me into believing that everything was my fault. I accepted this position until I realized the truth.

In the end, I was left feeling like I was nothing more than an object that the narcissist shelved until they wanted me again. If I made requests for them to change, I had to be the one who jumped through the narcissist’s elaborate hoops. Or I might be manipulated into believing some sob story the narcissist would come up with to appeal to my sensitivity and empathy. Yet, nothing I did was ever good enough. Instead of them proving their love to me, I had to prove my love to them. I could not compliment the narcissist enough or do enough to please the narcissist, and when I tried to do whatever the narcissist wanted of me, the narcissist became more openly aggressive with me.

Sex with a narcissist is a no-win situation. You lose, and you lose a lot. So, if you are considering sex with a narcissist, please reconsider. Of course, normally, you do not know that you have had sex with a narcissist until you learn you are dealing with one, but once you find out, just know that it is a good idea to begin silently planning your exit. The perceived good times do not last. The perceived great sex really is not that great at all if it costs you your sanity. The good times are just a façade of the love-bombing but masked hell flames from the narcissist that awaits you later.

The passion I felt during my relationship with the narcissist did not last and was not truly mutual either. Instead, the narcissist was too focused on meeting a ridiculous goal they had set for themselves that I was totally not aware of until all hell broke lose. The duration of a sexual relationship with a narcissist is always spent with you wishing why you ever wanted to be with the narcissist in the first place. That is a sad way to live and experience love especially when you realize that it is not love at all. So …

Sex with a narcissist? I do not recommend.