Some days I just want to quit … quit working, quit talking, quit thinking, quit emoting, quit doing, quit being, quit existing … just quit. I am exhausted from doing nothing. Maybe I have already quit. Sometimes all I can do is be cynical. Most days I do not even like myself. Other days I do not see myself becoming anything. So I just want to quit. I want to give up. I do not want to pass go.
In a sense, I have stopped so many things in my life that I feel that I am not progressing. I have so many things that I want to do, but I have slowly quit them. It is not even about motivation. If anything, I am motivated to quit … to just let go and give up. The hobbies that I did pick up so passionately, I no longer have interest in doing anymore. It was not even because I did not like them. I just quit.
Through the process of letting go of so many narcissistic connections, I feel like I am no longer in the process of changing. So it is easy to now look at myself and believe that mentally I have already quit. It feels like it. It feels very much like it. Yet, on other days, I feel like I am so exhausted that I must be overworking myself but without any results. I let go of a great job during what would seem like an awesome time in my life, but it was necessary for me to make a break to experience freedom and healing from a toxic workplace.
I thought the break would be short-lived and I would be back at a different kind of work life, but that has not been the case. I am too tired to think, too tired to work, and too tired to want to care about it. I feel like I have not really quit because there is still a desire in me to quit. Am I making any sense? That part of my life is over, and I am happy with that, but that was not enough because I still want to quit.
A life with narcissists has left me feeling very cynical about my life at times. I have to will myself to even believe there is a brighter side even when I know there is a brighter side. Yet, even though I know the brightness of a new day, I still do not want to do anything. I just want to be left alone. It feels freeing that I have no physical connections with others right now … that I have cut so many people out of my life. Yet, those very people that I cut out of my life needed to be out of my life all along. I am not empty because they are gone. I was empty when they were present.
Anyway, I am in a mode right now where all I want to do is quit. If I could quit living without dying, that would be cool. I do want life. I do want to live. That is just the thing with narcissistic abuse recovery for me, but I am exhausted, and this exhaustion keeps me from wanting to do anything. But I do want to live even with my exhaustion. I just want to quit. Now that I am narcissist free, all I want to do is quit, but I do not know what “quit” even actually means. I have a lot to live for now and more so than ever before, but I still want to quit. Can anyone relate?
My Voice Unchained 