My History With Anger And Rage
Everyone deals with emotions, but growing up, I was only allowed to display emotions that adults did not perceive as disrespectful to them. Any emotion outside of “nothing at all” was the right emotion for display. I learned to only smile even when I was not happy about it. I either displayed a poker face that showed I had no emotion or a smile even if I inwardly felt emotions other than happiness.
Internally, I always dealt with a lot of sadness, but that sadness often presented as anger and rage especially when I was a child and teenager. I found it very difficult to dwell on sadness because of traumatic experiences. At times, I felt that anger and rage were dear friends. They stayed along beside me and in many ways helped me to navigate through difficult and painful situations. However, I could not allow their presence when I was around my parents and other adults because I was not allowed to dwell on such emotions. Anger and rage were literally considered evil.
I would not learn until I was a young adult that my feelings of anger and rage could erode my internal being into a pit of bitterness leading me to a lifetime of feeling constant resentfulness, disappointment, and hatred. In fact, there were too many times that I found myself losing control and exploding with a need to release strong aggression. When I found that I was unable to control the anger and rage that I experienced, I sought both psychological and spiritual help. I was a ticking time bomb on the verge of explosion, but when I finally did explode, a host of issues surfaced that I needed to deal with and find a way to heal from. The journey to healing was not pretty or easy.
Stay tuned for the journey that unfolded around the anger and rage I battled throughout my life. How was I never diagnosed as a narcissist?
My Voice Unchained 