***Trigger Warning – contains potentially distressing material pertaining to sexual assault
Lost
I walked the city for as long as I could walk. I chose to run away from my aunt’s apartment, her neighbors and friends, and her life. My intention was to no longer be a problem for her anymore since that was the message I had internally accepted as truth.
In essence, though, the message I received was true. I had become problematic. Apart from the sexual assault, I had become problematic because I was navigating my life based on survival after a traumatic sexual assault. I was living with posttraumatic stress, and the brunt of my persona had become anger.
I look back now in hindsight, and I just cannot comprehend why no adult saw my trauma. If they clearly saw my trauma, they ignored it. If they were simply ignorant, then they chose blindness over helping me. I knew for certain that my aunt had wished my trauma away, but in doing so, she wished me away too.
On my walk, I remember thinking a lot about my young life. I knew I was in an unhappy state, and I wanted to end it. I wanted to end my unhappiness. So walking was helpful. It was very helpful as I looked at the sights all around me, but into the night, I became more focused on the huge area of light that seemed just beyond the horizon.
I figured the light in the distance was an area where someone could help me get home. It is crazy thinking back that this is how my young mind reasoned with me. I did not think of danger despite the dangers that I had already survived in this city. I was focused, and I did not fathom that any stranger cared enough to stop me.
I was on a mission until I grew tired of the mission and realized that I had walked far enough. I ended up at the opening of a major interstate highway. I was too afraid to cross. So I decided to give up my mission, turn around, and go back to my aunt’s apartment. My mind reasoned that maybe it was close to 11 p.m. or later, but I did not know. I had walked for a very long time, and I was lost.
No Longer Moving Forward
I was no longer walking forward. I was walking backwards. I was returning back from where I had left. I had not completely thought things through. I had left abruptly without anything but a small bag I used as a crossover. It held nothing but pocket change and a couple of crinkly dollars and my Walkman with a cassette of tape recorded music by Prince.
I realized on my walk back that I had been too preoccupied with the sights, my thoughts, and my way home to think about listening to music. I had not even considered food, and in the back of my mind, I realized that I might need to use the bathroom. Yet, once I turned around to backtrack my steps, I paused for a moment. I needed music. Music would take my mind off of hunger and the urge to go to the bathroom.
So I pulled the headphones from the bag and placed them over my head with only one earphone piece placed over one of my ears. I carried the crossover in front of me so that the Walkman remained inside. I did know to keep myself alert for what was going on around me, and I knew enough not to make it noticeable that I did not know really where I was going or where I was located in that moment even though I only had the street lights to guide my way.
Yet, as soon as I attempted to press play on the Walkman, a couple cornered me on the side walk. “Oh my God! What are you doing out here this time of night? Who are you with? Where are you coming from? Where are you going? Who do you belong to?” I froze in my steps. I did not know how to respond. So I remained quiet and just stared at the couple. They appeared to be my parents ages, or maybe they were older.
The couple’s barrage of questions to me did not even seem to be directed towards me because they were talking to each other, but I knew the questions were about me. I stared at them both and made my feet step backwards. “It’s okay,” I recalled the man saying to me as he sensed and then saw my backward motion. “It’s okay.” He moved towards me with his hands up as if he were trying to calm me, but I was calm. He was the one who seemed anxious.
Yet, as I saw him moving closer to me, I yelled, “No! Don’t come near me!” Then I darted off the sidewalk between two parked cars. The man yelled something to the woman about finding someone to call the police. “We just want to help you. We want to help you get home safely. We want to help you find your parents.” This man was a stranger, and I did not talk to strangers. I only watched strangers. It was dark, and I knew I was not going anywhere with them, but my body felt locked into a state of panic.
My eyes darted about while still watching the man. I looked over at the street to see that traffic was sparse. I readied my body in a poised position to run. When I felt the coast was clear, I made a mad dash and sprinted into a relay run to the other side of the highway, crossing at least four to six lanes. I ran fast, and I ran without looking back. I ran so fast that the earphones dangled to the back of my neck and then fell to hang by my side. I heard the man yelling, “Hey! Wait!” I heard him yelling until his sounds were inaudible until they eventually fell off. I hoped that he was not chasing me, but I did not want to turn around to look.
I ran faster than I had ever run before without looking at anything around me. I only looked straight ahead. I did not even run on the sidewalk but along the side of the curb near on the street. There were no cars on that particular side of the street, but I remember there being a fence with buildings on the opposite side of the fence. I could only see the backs of the buildings, but I did not focus on them. I just ran. I ran like a track star. I thought that all of my young years of playing games of chase and running during physical education had paid off in this particular instance. When all seemed quiet around me, I knew that I had gotten away. I paused and looked behind me to see that the man had not chased me.
At some point, I grew tired and stopped running. When I stopped, I turned to look behind me again. I saw no one. After catching my breath, I decided to cross the street. As soon as I did, a police car seemed to come out of nowhere and stopped along beside me. I froze in my steps and simply waited while my heart raced with thoughts that I was in trouble. In my mind, I felt very afraid. An officer in the passenger seat got out of the car, and as soon as he stepped out onto the street, the back door of the car opened too. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you,” I heard the officer say.
I looked at the officer but also focused on the backdoor of the car at the same time. In that moment, nothing else seemed to matter. The officer opened the backdoor of the car and out of it an angel emerged – the woman who had rescued me the day of the sexual assault against me. “Yes, it’s her, officer. It’s her,” I heard her say. I was both stunned and relieved all at once. I had never been so happy to see someone familiar. I felt the air in my chest exhale a huge gush of air, and I knew I was safe, but because of the officers’ presences, I also knew I was in big trouble.
The kind woman walked towards me in calmness. I reached for her without even thinking. I reached in for the hug I so desperately needed, and she so readily received of me. Then I broke down. I cried. I cried hard tears. I heaved big tears. The sounds of my cries were profusely audible. Then I heard silence. The officers were now both out of their cars observing the scene. For a moment, no one said a word. Then, I heard one officer say, “Young lady, you have so many people worried about you. You were reported missing this evening. People have been searching for you for hours. We are so glad you are safe.”
The officers said so much more with one adding, “This was a good end to a desperate search. You have a lot of people who love you. We put out an all-points bulletin on you. I think you may have even made the news.” I turned to look, and somewhere I reached inside of myself for a “thank you” to both officers. “Where were you going?” one officer asked me. “Home,” I said. Both officers looked at each other. The woman quickly interjected, “Her home is several states away. I guess she was feeling homesick for her family.” “Oh, okay. So you were planning on doing some walking, huh? But maybe next time, you’ll let an adult go with you, okay?” the officer smiled.
The officers offered both the kind woman and me a ride back to my aunt’s apartment. I had never been inside of a police car. I heard one of the officers call off the search and declare that I had been found safely. Once we reached my aunt’s destination, we were let out of the car. The officers got out and followed us into the building. Once we walked up to the building, the kind woman thanked both officers for their diligence and patience. The woman knocked on my aunt’s door, but there was no answer. “I think we beat her home. Everyone has been out looking.”
The officers said that they would wait to speak to my aunt. So the kind woman and I walked around the side of the building but still in view of the officers and leaned up against the fence in the night light. It was late, and I would later learn that it was after midnight. The kind woman and I were both quiet. I really did not know what to say. Yet, her presence made me feel calm and safe, but at the same time, I knew in the back of my mind somewhere in a distant brain that she represented something I could not discuss.
The kind woman made several attempts to break that distant ice, but she was unsuccessful. Something inside of me froze up like a block of ice. There was an obstruction that she was unable to get through to, and I was unable to let her through. Yet, I leaned against the fence standing next to her feeling the security of her presence until we both heard a lot of loud talking turning the far distant corner on a different block. We both kept looking in the distance, and I could see my aunt, and three of the women who always looked out for me in the building and some other people walking with her.
A huge lump of the greatest fear gripped my throat, and I was overcome with great anxiety. Although there was fear when the police approached me in their squad car, there was no greater fear than what I felt as my aunt approached me as I was leaning against the fence. The air within the atmosphere completely changed, and I knew that my aunt was going to be a force to be reckoned with, and internally, I was bracing myself for a horrific impact. If the smirk I saw sour her face was not enough to indicate to me her mood, then the glare in her eyes towards me said it all.
I was lost, but now I was found, and it was time to face the music. It was time to face the beast.
Stay tuned for the next post.
My Voice Unchained 