***Trigger Warning – contains potentially distressing material pertaining to sexual assault
Facing The Beast
As my aunt and the group of women she walked with bounded the corner towards me, I wanted to run. I wanted to run away. Fear gripped me tightly, and I was overridden with anxiety. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The kind woman leaning against the fence with me must have sensed my overwhelming anxiety because she turned to me and said, “It’s going to be okay, honey. I’m here with you.”
When my aunt spotted me, I could see her facial expression in the distance. Her eyes glared at me, and I knew she was not happy. Her face appeared as my mother’s face. It was uncanny. “Her aunt is here, Officers,” the kind woman said loudly as she turned to the officers’ direction. The officers had been standing near their cars talking. They remained near their cars as my aunt walked up to us. I knew my aunt was angry, but she was hiding it. I was bracing myself.
Instead of my aunt revealing her anger, though, she walked up to me and instead opted to compete for an academy award for best actress. My aunt grabbed me and hugged me tightly, but the tightness of her hug was without feeling. I did not feel any emotions from her. Her emotions were contained within her. I knew her anger was bottled within her. I knew this from experience. Her reaction reminded me of my mother’s reactions when anger was subtly silent but raging. I knew my aunt was faking for the crowd because she never fully hugged me, and her hug was totally awkward.
The other women who were with my aunt appeared to be ecstatic including the neighbor across the hall. I actually expected the neighbor across the hall to be angry too. I had snuck out of her apartment while I was supposed to be taking a nap. Yet, here were the women standing in front of me all talking at once – mainly about how worried they were and how a few others had been searching for me until they all heard the search was called off when I was found. They all seemed to be cheerful, but my aunt only gave the appearance of cheerfulness as she went into what sounded like a sarcastic monologue.
Apparently, a brief radio and television announcement had been made about a nine year old girl who was reported missing, and anyone who reportedly saw the young girl was to call the police. My guess is that the couple who tried to stop me but were unable to because I ran, were the ones who called in, but no one ever confirmed this to me. Anyone could have spotted me for as long as I had walked because it may have appeared odd for a young child to be walking the city streets at night. Looking back on this time, I was amazed that I remained as safe during the aftermath of the sexual assault against me considering all of the additional avenues of danger that were open to me.
The Showcase Of The Beast
Nevertheless, the police officers walked over to us and addressed us wanting to know who was responsible for me. My aunt stepped forward with acknowledgment and attempted to explain the situation, but the police only seemed to be concerned that I was safe. Apparently, there was already a file on me because of two previous situations – the reported sexual assault and one other time I was reported missing. Because of these issues, one of the police officer’s recommended that my aunt talk with the case worker who knew my history.
To this particular officer, my choice to walk home several states away signified a problem, and maybe that problem had a lot to do with what none of the women including my aunt wanted to discuss in my presence. I was not sure. There was a silence that they all seemed to understand as if they had all talked beforehand. Yet, the kind woman who rescued me spoke up and said that it was just a simple misunderstanding … that I had apparently thought it best to go home because of the trouble I believed that I had caused my aunt.
My aunt had a strange look in her eye after the kind woman had spoken. The officers seemed to accept her words, however. They declared that it was a long night, and that after a good night’s sleep, we would all feel much better in the morning. One of the officers leaned down to me and told me that I must have had a guardian angel because not many kids who travel alone at night stay safe. “No more solo trips for you, okay?” I looked at the officer’s eyes. They were eyes of concern mixed with relief. I said, “Okay.”
The officer then turned to my aunt and told her that someone would be contacting her in a few days to speak with us both. I sensed that this contact was not going to be good for neither my aunt nor me. In that moment, I hesitated to walk with my aunt but instead chose to walk behind her and the group of women. As we made it to her apartment, the women actually followed her in. I followed too, but I was feeling a sense of guardedness because I knew I was about to face the beast.
The Beast
Once inside the apartment, my aunt turned and looked at me. She burst into tears.
My aunt: Do you realize how worried you had me? Do you realize how sick it’s made me? Do you realize what you’ve done?!?
I was silent. The fact that there was an audience made my aunt’s behavior seem even more dramatic as it seemed that she added in cries without tears, but I could hear the fear, agitation, and concern in her voice. I was not so sure that she was not acting, but I did know she was angry.
My aunt: Why would you do that? Do you know what could have happened to you? You could have been kidnapped … killed … taken away for good! If I couldn’t find you, I would have had to call your parents! Do you know what that would have done to me?
I spoke up while clearing my throat.
Me: I left because you didn’t want me here.
My aunt: Oh, so you’re going to turn this around on me? It’s my fault you ran away? [She stood in front of me and then bent down to look at me.] Okay! Wow! I didn’t make you run away. Don’t blame me because you think you can do whatever you want!
I was stunned and confused as to what was happening. The women were all silent, but I did not back down.
Me: You said … you told all of them … your friends … you told them that you wished I had never come here … that I’ve caused you nothing but problems since I got here. All of you said it! All of you!
I looked at the kind woman and knew that she had not said anything. I stopped cold in my tracks and put my head down. I felt shame, but I continued while lifting my head to look at my aunt.
Me: [The neighbor] said it. She told me how she, you, and a lot of other people felt that it would be better if I was not here … that I should go home. So I decided to walk home.
My aunt: Just stop it! Stop it with your self-pity. Why are you acting like we are making you the problem? You are already the problem. You are the problem on your own!
The kind woman attempted to speak up, but my aunt angrily snapped at her.
My aunt: [Leaning into the kind woman …]Stay out of this! Why are you even here? If it weren’t for you, I would not have had to deal with so much in the first place. You should have stayed in your place as a neighbor and just minded your damn business!
The kind woman: You don’t mean that!
My aunt: Yes I do! You don’t have to deal with her. You don’t have to deal with her shit!
The other women were attempting to calm my aunt down. Then the neighbor who lived on the third floor – who helped me to pick out my summer outfit that I wore the day of the sexual assault against me – tried to redirect the conversation.
The lady from the third floor: It’s been a long day and night, and we all need rest. How about we get some rest and figure all of this out together tomorrow. We don’t want to say anything that we don’t mean and will regret later.
Yet, I was unraveling with anger. I was tired of being blamed for things that were not my fault. I could feel a swell … a round red ball rising within my stomach, and it would not allow me to remain calm. I burst … no, I exploded with emotion, and I unleashed it all upon everyone listening.
Me: She regrets nothing! She means everything she says! She always means what she says! It’s always my fault! Everything is my fault! The fact that I’m here is my fault. The fact that she has to do anything is my fault. The fact that she’s even dying is my fault! The fact that I am alive is my fault. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!
There was a hushed wind that seemed to blow and settle within the room. Then there was silence. No one spoke. They all looked at me. I was in tears, but I tried to muffle my need to cry. The kind lady placed her hand on my shoulder. Then she spoke.
The kind woman: Why don’t we just let her come with me for the night? [She looked at my aunt.]We are all tired, and I think the two of you need a little space from each other. She’ll stay the night with me.
The neighbor across the hall interrupted to direct my aunt: That sounds like a good idea. She’ll stay the night with [the kind woman], and then I will make up for yesterday and spend some time with her tomorrow. How about that? This will give you a break … some rest. You need rest. You’re tired. You really need some rest.
I noticed how the women were all subjugating themselves to my aunt. I immediately wondered if something was wrong, but then I realized that is what I knew people to do with a beast. My aunt was a beast. My mother was a beast. My grandmother was a beast. I was surrounded by beast. i knew that when around the beast, I had to do everything to make sure they were okay. That is what the women were doing too.
It was going to be a long night. Surely, the women had to know that the beast never sleeps and that things were not going to automatically be okay. Yet, I did not want to spend the night with her even though it was late enough for everyone to be in bed. I knew she would not sleep but stay up into the night devaluing me and raking me over hot coals under high flames. That is just something she did, and it really seemed like a fun pastime for her too. No, I did not want to remain with her. So I agreed to go.
The kind woman helped me to gather a few things so that I could spend the night with her. My aunt glared at me the entire time. I could feel her hot stares upon me. As I walked to the door and turned to look at her, my heart was broken. I could tell that she was unmoved though. The beast was unmoved, but the beast was angry. I would surely pay later, but I took my chances and left.
Stay tuned for the next post.
My Voice Unchained 