***Trigger Warning – contains potentially distressing material pertaining to sexual assault
The Long Night
The kind woman who rescued me from the sexual assault against me had volunteered to take me to her home for the night after it was obvious there was not going to be any peace for neither my aunt or me in my aunt’s apartment. The kind woman lived in an apartment building on the backside of the street that was behind the apartment building that my aunt lived in that faced in the opposite direction.
The kind woman lived on the third floor, and when we entered her apartment, she immediately went into a back room and brought out a pillow, sheet, and blanket and placed them on the couch. Since it was so late in the night (or wee hours of a new morning), I automatically assumed that I would be going to sleep. I remember thinking that I should have been tired from such a long walk, but I had so much adrenaline flowing that I did not know what to do with it.
The kind woman must have sensed that I was not tired because she offered me hot tea. I thought that was strange considering that it was summer, but she convinced me that the tea would help me to relax. As the kind woman went into the kitchen to make tea, I readied myself for bed by changing into my pajamas and brushing my teeth. Then I went into the kind woman’s kitchen and sat down at the table.
As soon as I sat down, the kind woman placed two cups of hot tea in front of each of us. I carefully watched her as she sat down to take a sip of her tea before I took a sip of mine. Then she proceeded to attempt to talk to me. Oddly, talking to strangers made me uncomfortable unless they talked about things that interested me. I did not discern that she would be talking to me about anything other than the issues with my aunt. I knew I was in for a long night.
An Uncomfortable Conversation That Did Not Happen
Somewhere in my mind, an alarm sounded that I needed to run. There was an inner knowing that the kind woman wanted to talk … but not just talk, she wanted to dig. The kind woman wanted to have “the talk” about something that my mind would not allow me to address, and somewhere within my psyche, I was not ready for the talk. I felt my inwards squirming while I physically sat still. I was anxious.
The kind woman: You bite your nails?
I looked at my nails and attempted to cover my little nubs by hiding my fingertips on the cup before removing my hands altogether.
The kind woman: That’s okay. I bite my nails too. It’s a sign of nervousness. Are you nervous about anything?
I thought for a moment. Biting my nails seemed like an unconscious thing that I did all the time. I did not know particularly why I did it. I looked at my nails, and then I looked up at her and then her hands that were gripped on the cup. Her nails looked short but not necessarily bitten like mine.
Me: No
The kind woman: Well, you’ll eventually outgrow it.
To date, I have not. I still bite my nails even though I have entered the menopausal stage.
The kind woman: It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I’m glad to see that you are doing okay. When I heard that you were missing today, I was really worried. Your neighbor [from across the hall] came around to ask different people if anyone had seen you. She said that you had snuck out during naptime. She thought that maybe you did not believe her when she told you that your aunt would return after she left to go out. [Your neighbor] thought that maybe you went out to look for her, but when you told the officers you were walking home, it made me feel so sad for you because it’s been so hard for you here.
I said nothing because I did not know what to say.
The kind woman: I can tell that you and your aunt are having a rough time. She really does not know what to do or how to help you.
I remember a wheel turning within my mind, and I wondered what kind of help the kind woman thought that I needed.
The kind woman: It would probably help your aunt if you told her what you needed.
Silence.
The kind woman: What do you need?
For a moment, I could not decide if this was a trick question. I was not sure how to answer. So I said what first came to mind.
Me: Sleep.
The kind woman laughed really hard. My answer had altered the tone of seriousness that she had set. She smiled heavily and said, “You are so funny, but you’re right. I bet you are really tired. From where we stopped when we saw you in the car, you were almost near the interstate soon to cross a river. Did you know that? Did you know how far you had walked? You walked a really long way. The police officers and I were so glad we found you and were happy that we could see because of the street lights or else we might have missed you.”
Although I knew I had walked a long way, I did not know the exact distance. I was on a mission or so I thought.
The kind woman: You’re so very smart. The officers even said “she knows direction”. But, honey, you would have never made it home. It would have taken you years of walking to get there. You could not have been thinking about things like eating, using the bathroom, or getting sleep. I’m just so glad that no one grabbed you and took you off somewhere. We might have never seen you again. A lot of children go missing and are never seen again. You could have been a face on a milk carton or poster. Please, don’t ever give us a scare like that again. We care about you. I care about you.
Hearing her say that she cared about me without really knowing me made my heart smile just a little to the point that I felt a trickle of tears form inside of my chest. In that moment, I wanted her to hug me. I wanted to feel the embrace of her words, but instead, she got up from the table, and grabbed the cups to put in the sink. I recall wanting to say something to her as a way to let her know that I accepted her words, but I could not find the words to speak, but I did thank her for the tea. Then I went into her living room to go to sleep. I was exhausted and wasted no time falling asleep even though I remember thinking that I was hungry.
It had been a long night, and I knew tomorrow would most likely be an even longer day. I still had to face the wrath of the beast.
Stay tuned for more to come.
My Voice Unchained 