*** Trigger Warning – mentions sexual assault and precocious puberty as it pertains to the menstrual cycle
Precocious Puberty
My body began the marks of puberty around the time I entered first grade at the age of six. At least two doctors had told my mother to be on the look out for my menstrual cycle (period) to begin. Well, as soon as those words were uttered to my mother by doctors, she wasted no time making sure to keep a check on this change for me. It was nothing less short of annoying for me. My grandmother and aunt would often hound my mother about it too. I always found this odd.
My mother questioned me so much about whether I saw red or brown stains in my underpants until I thought it was a regular occurrence that all girls experienced until I learned from a same-aged classmate at age 7 that this was not the case. She had told me that beginning development so early was often a sign of sexual abuse because of her own personal experience. Of course, this was a traditionally held belief about precocious puberty by many adults even though it was a rarity. Medically, there is no actual known cause.
Nevertheless, my mother always instigated these periodic menstrual checks when I least expected them. It was frustrating for me that I never felt entirely in control of my own body. Each time there was a random checkup, I was always made to feel as if I had done something wrong. It was nothing short of being devalued for having a body. I always felt dirty when my mother talked to me about it. This feeling became worse after the sexual assault.
A Breakthrough Period To Disaster And Other Revelations
Six months prior to the sexual assault against me, I began my period. The doctor termed it a breakthrough period or breakthrough bleeding because it amounted to nothing more than a few days of spotting … maybe a week. I clearly remember thinking that the stains I saw were me hurriedly finishing up my sanitary cleaning duties – not because I was having a period. I also remember feeling a bit embarrassed within myself because I was always a tidy and clean child.
One early morning before the break of dawn, my mother burst into my bedroom flicking the lights on, jerked me out of bed, and forcefully shoved my dirty underwear in my face. She demanded to know why there were blood stains in my underwear. I was confused and dazed from being jarred awake. I did not know what she was talking about. Not to be graphic, but the stain was brown – not bright red as she had told me to look for previously. So, I really thought nothing of it.
Yet, as she stood underneath the bright light shining in my eyes, her facial expression showed clear anger. She accused me of having “done dirtiness with boys”. She said it in such a hateful way that I felt immediate condemnation. The only boys that I hung around were my cousins who lived next door when visiting their grandmother. However, whenever I played with them, I played rough because I felt that I had to do so. There was no “dirtiness” unless we were playing with dirt. Otherwise, I was the typical fort builder and toy car racer when we went out to play.
Nevertheless, I found it odd for my mother to accuse me of such things when I was a child, but she did not care. In fact, narcissistic parents are often accusatory of their children no matter what they believe the child to have done and no matter if the child is innocent of any wrongdoing. My mother seemed to have had this grand fixation that I was sexually involved with boys since the moment she learned that I had precocious puberty. Her fixation was odd, and she treated me like I was nothing more than a common harlot. It was not so much in her words but in her insinuations.
My mother seemed to believe I would come to her the moment my period began. She also thought she had prepared me, but her directives were not the same as what actually occurred to me. So when my period finally came, I actually blew it off. Plus, my mother is a narcissist. Narcissists are unapproachable for any type of discussion. It took a lot for me just to ask my parents simple questions. Needless to say, it never dawned on me when I had my first menses that it even was a menstrual cycle. It lasted a very short time, and I did not see it again for another year, and this would begin a breakthrough to future troubles.
Stay tuned for more.
My Voice Unchained 