*** Trigger Warning – mentions sexual assault and precocious puberty as it pertains to the menstrual cycle which some readers may find graphic in detail
After The Examination
My mother and grandmother took in all the information without ever saying much in response to the doctor’s words. I was calm and sedated, but I was inwardly feeling so much anger. I felt a sense of betrayal. I felt as if something had been taken away from me, but I was unaware of exactly what though. I felt that no adult really understood my situation in the matter. They were only attempting to get through an ordeal, and I was the ordeal. Nothing about the ordeal itself seemed to matter.
The doctor had said a lot of things to my mother and grandmother. Mainly, he was concerned about my age. He had only experienced one other patient who had an early period, and it concerned him that between that patient and me, I was the younger of the two with heavy bleeding. Against his better judgment, the doctor felt his only recourse was to give me birth control pills to stop the bleeding. He claimed that he had never prescribed them for such a young patient, but the bleeding needed to be stopped so that he could determine my issue.
My crying had stopped long enough for me to think about what I heard the doctor say. The one thing that I had focused upon had essentially become a fear I continued to have until I settled within myself that it was just not going to be my life’s path. I sat waiting until the nurse came back to bring me starter packets of birth control pills, some pamphlets, sanitary pads, and a lollipop. Yes … she gave me a lollipop. After all, I was 11, and somehow candy was supposed to make the fright I experienced okay. I remember thinking it was enough for the moment … enough to take my mind away from the obvious.
The nurse explained to me the process for taking the birth control pills, and in all the directives that she said, I only heard one thing … that my period should come to a stop. The pills were going to help regulate my periods. She told me that I should only bleed when taking the green pills and not bleed when taking the pink pills. Nothing else she seemed to say mattered to me. Although I could not say within my mind that the examination warranted the struggle I went through, I could say that having the pills was like a cherry on top to a bad experience. The pills gave me hope that my struggles were ending. However, I had no idea that they were only just beginning.
Leaving the Doctor’s Office
Because of the commotion I had caused during the gynecological exam, the nurse advised that we all leave through the back door and not through the lobby. She wanted to save me the embarrassment. She also stated that I deserved privacy, and that patient information was confidential. She reiterated that just because patients in the lobby heard screaming does not necessarily mean that it was me. No one would ever know if they did not see me.
The nurse’s words seemed to give my grandmother comfort because she was concerned about having to do the walk of shame through the lobby because of my behavior. In my mind, however, I could only think that this nurse was more embarrassed for herself and the doctor’s reputation. I really felt detached about anyone seeing me. I figured those who were waiting had to have known that it was me screaming since I was the only child in the waiting room at the time. Yet, I did not say a word in response to the nurse. I just weakly smiled at her with my eyes.
My mother and grandmother thanked her for her help, and she escorted us out through the side door to the back area. From there, we walked to the car. As soon as we were in the car, my grandmother wasted no time mentioning that I had brought shame upon the family. She went on and on about how my loud screams could be heard in the lobby by other patients. She revealed to my mother that she never wanted to go anywhere with me again because I did not know how to act.
“She showed her tail in that office,” my grandmother said while turning to look at me with eyes of hot scolding punishment. I remained silent while turning my gaze away from her to stare out of the window. Looking back now, none of those nurses nor my mother and grandmother had recognized and acknowledged the trauma that was before them. They had not recognized the after effects of rape. They had not recognized the posttraumatic stress a child suffered, and they had not recognized that a child was responding to an examination that she had not truly been prepared for or consented to with any real knowledge.
I would have imagined that even the doctor may have given a female a rape kit before, or he may have even recognized that he was examining a child who had suffered some sort of sexual trauma, but even he was silent and seemed unknowing. I marveled at how no one appeared to place themselves in my shoes. Sympathy and empathy are not the same. I needed more than a lollipop. I needed more than shouts and screams. I did not need to be treated like a hostage and held down like some wild animal. I should have been handled with extreme care. I should have been acknowledged by the doctor like a patient. I never felt seen or heard.
My grandmother made my mother drive in a circle of the area a few times so that she could let off her anger about the situation. I sat back staring from the window and longing for the days of escape, but I only sank further into myself. Where was my Walkman when I needed it? How could I shut their voices off? Why was I not able to tune them out? Why could I not just float away as I normally would when things became too much for me? As I continued to stare from the window, I took note that we were going home. Why was my grandmother going with us? My dad hated her presence in our home because she was a troublemaker.
I would come to learn that my grandmother had her own agenda. She felt that I must pay for my behavior, but she was in for a rude awakening, and a secret on the verge of being exposed by her own unwitting schemes. How could she not have known?
Find out what happens in the next post.
My Voice Unchained 