***Trigger Warning – mentions sexual assault
Buried Secrets
My brain had shut down the sexual assault that happened against me two years prior. So I had no recall of that situation unlike what my mother and grandmother had thought. I really believe that they thought I was in agreement with them to hold the secret of the assault. Perhaps, a part of me was in agreement when I told my now deceased aunt that I would never tell anyone by her prodding of me.
Yet, my mind was not in the same place with any of their thoughts. For all I knew at the time when my mother pretty much threatened me, I was keeping quiet about what transpired at the doctor’s office. I look back and realize now that I had no idea what my mother was even talking about when she uttered to me “Keep your mouth shut” to me because my brain had stored the assault away in a file and buried it so deeply that I was no longer conscious of any memories of the assault. However, my mother’s words in my ears were like venom, and I dared not to contest her.
After my mother whispered her threatening words into my ear, she lifted herself away from me slowly. It was apparent that neither Aunt Betts, my grandmother, or my father had heard what my mother said to me. My mother had a way of doing those types of things to me so that a certain appearance was given when the truth of the matter was that things were not as they were in appearance.
I said nothing though. I did not react. I knew my place, but at the same time, I was in disbelief as to whether or not I really heard my mother even utter her threat. By the look in her eyes that suddenly showed fake adoration and fake affection towards me, I knew the truth … that she had said what she said and meant what she said, and I knew enough not to cross her.
When my mother stepped away from me, she moved next to my grandmother who had a sadistic grin on her face. Whenever my grandmother grinned in such a fashion, I knew it meant nothing but trouble and that whatever plan that she and my mother had was going to continue against me. In that moment, I knew I might be able to bet on Aunt Betts for a lot of things, but I could not bet on my safety and security against my mother and grandmother’s attacks against me.
Aunt Betts might have been a tough one, but she had no idea that my mother and grandmother were covert and stealth in their tactics. I really did not believe Aunt Betts was a match against them. My grandmother feared no one. She might have been small in stature, but her small height did nothing at all to deter her. She was a ruthless and calculating woman. My mother could attest to this which is why she had no fear when her mother was around her.
Aunt Betts smiled thinking that she had captured a great result of love between my mother and me. I stared thinking that neither she nor my father could not have been any blinder. The wool was literally being pulled over both of their eyes, and the secrets that my mother and grandmother wished to remain buried would stay buried forever. That moment was a victory for them, and Aunt Betts and my father were none the wiser. In fact, they were absolutely clueless.
I sank back in bed feeling subtle anger but holding tight to the words of my mother, her tone, and her inflections. I knew she was serious. If I said anything, then I figured I would look crazy and be made out to be a liar [as was usually the case]. So I kept silent. Plus, my mother could be vindictive and spiteful. She would make life very hard for me [as if it had not been hard already]. I always tried to stay on the side of maintaining peace with my mother because if I did not, then she would always use my siblings against me in attack, and most times, my father would be on her side too.
As a child, it was extremely hard always going it alone. I had to always weigh the costs in doing so. I was the proverbial black sheep of my family … the outcast. I was different and nothing at all like my mother and grandmother. I did not follow in their footsteps. I did not walk in their lane. I moved in the opposite of their realm, and for that I had to pay, and I have paid dearly.
A major cost of going it alone was closing up my heart. It was easier to just dissociate even though I could not always control it. After this episode, my anger went into silence, but it was not silent for very long. It [ the anger] had to express itself, and as wicked as my mother painted herself out to be to me to keep me quiet, the anger I had was a raging force. Sometimes anger just will not be silent.
Stay tuned for more.
My Voice Unchained 