***Trigger Warning – mentions grooming as it pertains to sexual abuse of a child/teenager
Master Sensei
As with any learning program, there is always a set of rules and procedures to follow. As new learners of martial arts, my siblings and me had a lot to learn. One rule was that the martial arts instructor was the Master Sensei, and we were to bow to him and call him Sensei.
For whatever reason, I always detected that the instructor delighted in being bowed to, and I was certain I always saw a sinister grin of delight when I bowed to him. It was such a tiny micro-expression I took note that when his grin appeared I would often wonder if I really saw it.
Yet, I know I saw his sinister grin even if for only a millisecond, and there were tons of times that I could confirm this based on his reactions when I would test him by purposefully omitting to bow. His facial expressions would suddenly change to one of anger, but because I was in the stages of his love bombing me, he was always quick to cover that micro-expression of anger quite well. He wore a mask.
To say the least, this instructor was a manipulative con artist, but I gave him the benefit of doubt. I was supposed to respect him because he was the instructor, and I was a child. For a while, he kept me in a distant but close stage of love bombing. It was distant because I remember now thinking that his eyes registered that he was calculating moves that he could not take hold of in those moments with me. It was close because I believe he could tell that I was not easily won over. So, he poured on the charm with a lot of compliments.
I was most definitely a skeptical child with strangers and people attempting to impress me. Even as a young child, I thought anyone who tried too hard simply did not have “it”, which meant that there was something off with them that I needed to watch out for. Unfortunately, even as a child, I had not learned the ways of a grooming manipulator who had evil sights upon me. Despite my leeriness of the instructor, I followed instructions to learn the techniques of martial arts to the best of my abilities.
Warm Ups
Warm up time was a short time frame for martial arts students to stretch their muscles before beginning actual routines and sparring sessions. Warm ups would typically last anywhere from five to 10 minutes. At some point, these sessions became a bit longer to the point that everyone in the class took notice and wondered when we would ever practice actual martial arts routines.
Around the time that this instructor ramped up his love bombing of me, he had already given me numerous compliments about the flexibility of my body and my form and technique. He took the time during warm ups to help students with physical form and give feedback. I really did not think anything about his compliments because he gave everyone compliments. The only issue I had was that he seemed to stand within a very close proximity towards me that made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Although I did not want to make a big deal of the instructor’s closeness towards me, I often wondered exactly if he knew that he was lightly touching me with his clothing or moving in so close to me that I could smell the strength of his aftershave. He was really that close. He was awkwardly too close to me. If I had not fancied him before, it was as if he were attempting to cause me to take notice of him.
Although this may sound strange, I strongly believed that he was attempting to seduce me into having a crush on him. He wanted me to like him. I would later come to learn that groomers want their targets to like them so that this liking of them can be used against the target later as if the target is the responsible party for whatever happens.
I strongly believe that he wanted me to like him in a more “romantic” way because he seemed to constantly plant thoughts about himself whenever he was around me. He wanted me to remember when he showed me things so I could practice (so he said), and he wanted me to remember acronyms regarding certain moves. It was a sort of mind control game he had going on – a brainwashing technique. He wanted to subdue me.
Although he would speak directly to the group as a class, he often made direct eye contact with me. I now know that this was being done to somewhat single me out and make me feel some type of way as if he were attempting to read me. I was not exactly sure as to what I was to feel then, but I knew that by providing eye contact back to him I was saying that I was paying attention. I knew to do this even in my school classes even if my thoughts were a thousand miles away.
Truthfully, I was not always so focused in martial arts class either because every stretch, every kick, and every hard movement caused a movement of blood flow from my body during my menstrual cycle. Despite the birth control pills I was taking, I was still having issues with my blood flow. My periods were still very heavy, and I was still very much prone to accidents.
I was so grateful that our uniforms were black. I was also grateful that our class lasted only 45 minutes to an hour at the most. I was constantly having to leave the room to go to the bathroom to check myself or change my pad. Later, these leave outs would work against me and have me fall prey into the instructor’s trap.
It was truly hard for me to focus on even the martial arts instructor to care about his compliments. His process of grooming was slow moving in the beginning (almost unnoticeable) partly because we were in a one room building with bathroom facilities where entrance was gained from the outside. So there was never any contact between us that suggested anything remotely inappropriate for others to view, but I was leery of any of his close contact, needless to say. I always felt something was off about him, but I did not know exactly what “off” was at the time.
However, this instructor stepped up his game whenever he was able to rent a larger space in another building. The new larger space came with a much larger room with adjoining rooms and bathrooms that connected, and he was free to use all of the additional spaces for the hour that he was there for class.
This change led up to his increased love bombing of me, and by this point, I had already developed somewhat of a crush on him because of his continuous push for me to think upon him via the things that he would tell me to remember and practice, and his superfluous comments of me were becoming a bright spot in my dreary and difficult days.
The instructor was a master manipulator, and he knew exactly what he was doing. My guess is that he had been planning his grooming of me all along. He had set his sights on me – a then 13-year-old who suffered and battled through a lot of emotional upheaval and felt lost all while going through it.
At some point, I found myself flattered by all of his attention. His gazes in my direction became welcomed, but he was the adult – a married father. I might have been mature for my age, but I was hardly an adult. In my innocence, I thought nothing of his type of motives. I was certain he was wise enough to only be nice to me and nothing more. Unfortunately, I did not know the mind of this man and what he really thought about me. His intentions were less than innocent and more about bringing me under his control.
Stay tuned for what happens in the next post about The Instructor.
My Voice Unchained 