Times Of Self-Doubt
I am tired, and I am doubting myself. I have nothing in my brain. I cannot think. My mind is one big mass of fog. The fog will not move.
Perhaps this is an effect of menopause, the transition of aging, or the effects of the brain struggling with depression. I do not specifically know for sure.
What I am sure of is that I am exhausted and this exhaustion makes the fog in my brain even worse. I cannot even will myself to do anything right now. I cannot even think.
So I sit, and I wait for this massive fog to clear … as it normally does. Right now, it is taking the clarity I need to blog a while longer than usual to get here. This is a time of self-doubt.
My stinking thinking right now is that I wonder if it was even worth me starting a blog. My intentions are not going as planned for sure, but I have no regrets.
I started off with the idea of blogging my way through my experiences with narcissists, narcissistic types, and narcissistic abuse, but I have blogged my way into a whole lot more.
I honestly did not expect to drudge up so much, and I wonder if all of the past that I have been sifting through in remembrance and writing about has now caught up with me and created more than I can handle.
It has not been easy – particularly emotionally. I am emotionally spent; I am drained. Sifting through the past of narcissistic abuse is draining, but I need to be drained if that makes sense.
I want to be drained in the sense that I am free from the junk of the past. Doing so, however, has made me physically sick. I have been sick for days and weeks.
I feared most recently that I was having a heart attack. The pressure in my chest was overwhelming, and there was the sense of sudden panic that came out of nowhere.
Remembering
As of late when I recall the past, I feel sick. I remember the past for what it was for me, and I feel sick.
I cry, and I feel sick. I take the time to allow myself to feel the emotions that I did not know still remained, and I feel sick.
As I have blogged about a past time in my life as it relates to the struggles of being a lone black sheep of my family in reference to sexual abuse, sexual assault, and narcissistic abuse, I remembered everything, and I feel sick.
Overall, I am having self-doubts, but I still want to blog.
I Thought I Could Do This
I compare this time right now to the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years that I pushed myself to obtain a second master’s degree that I eventually gave up pursuing. Despite being told it was worth my time and effort to pursue, everything within me begged to differ on this opinion.
For the life of me, I struggled with procrastination, bouts of unbelievable depression and anxiety, and difficult relationships with narcissists and their flying monkeys all while trying to pursue a degree in my quest to help narcissists or those struggling with narcissistic personality disorder. Crazy, right?
Yet, I originally believed that it was my path to stick beside them. I never wanted to give up hope. I naively believed that I could help narcissists, but in turn, I drove myself to the brink of realization that narcissists could not be helped, and that I could only best help others who struggle from the destruction that narcissists and those with like personalities cause to others like myself.
In the end of my journey to pursue the second master’s degree, I quit. I completely stopped cold-turkey and never looked back. Like so many other projects I have begun and failed to finish in the past, this blog was the one hope that I had for myself that I could do something to release my voice … to unchain it.
Now, I have self-doubts, however, especially when I have to step away and take a break. There is certainly the will in me to blog as well as the passion in me to blog, but I never expected blogging to come with a variety of emotions and feelings. It’s all so very comparable to my jounaling life because I have gone days, week, and months when I have been unable to do it.
Yet, with journaling, I presumed myself to be having a conversation with God. So those times that I would step away, I was either angry with God for my lack of understanding, angry with myself because my life was not turning out as I planned, or exhausted from repeating myself and seeing no change in my life.
It is very much like it is now, but different. Once I opened up the past regarding my dealings with anger and the abuses, I opened up a whole lot more than I think I could handle, and I needed to step back and take a break.
My experiences with this aspect of blogging have been very unexpected, and although I have taken a step back, I have not necessarily felt anger. Instead, I have felt heavily grieved and exhausted as I am releasing baggage and releasing people.
In fact, since I began the blog post concerning anger and the root of what started it all, I have found myself becoming sicker to the point that most days I cannot deal with my life in any state. It has been much easier to unplug myself from it all – eat, sleep, and chill.
I am in a time of self-doubt about it all, and right now, I am okay with that because I know like everything else, this too shall pass.
My Voice Unchained 