The Effects Of Narcissistic Abuse On My Brain (Currently)
There is no question that narcissistic abuse affects the brain. In fact, the effects are mindboggling, and I can say this because I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse. Even long after a narcissist or narcissistic types leave my life, I am still baffled by the many effects that I experience just with my brain.
How does one know when the effects that one is experiencing are really because of narcissistic abuse? Admittedly, it is impossible to know without first having a physical checkup to determine if anything else is not wrong, but I know my body, and I know how situations affect me. In terms of the effects of narcississtic abuse, I have had some incredibly mind-altering experiences.
Right now, I am coming out of an immense time of thick brain fog. I could not even will my mind to focus on my blog. I was battling a mixture of depression, fatigue, lack of focus, and disconnection. My thoughts were stale and stagnate. I felt irritable and frustrated, and I felt myself relapsing into a pit of self-pity.
Furthermore, I knew that I was experiencing the effects of narcissistic abuse because I had devoted myself nonstop for a little over a month to blogging about how I had been affected by narcissistic abuse in the past.
I equate the experience with how I learned to swim. I did not learn the conventional way. I learned to swim from one end of the pool to the other without stopping to take a breath because I never learned to stay afloat. It was literally either sinking or swimming.
Unfortunately, I did not pace myself during my blogging time. I did not take breaks because I needed to get the story I had inside of me out, and the more the story flowed out of me, the more time I gave to the blog. Once I was spent, I was literally spent with extreme exhaustion that had less to do with physical fatigue and more to do with mental fatigue. I had no more left to give to the blog.
Even though there were words still waiting to come forth from me to blog, I could not push them forth even if I tried, and I did try. Rehashing the past also stirred up the emotions that were deep within me that needed to be addressed too. Once the writing was done in terms of the details, I had to take a break and deal with the fallout. I can tell you that the fallout was not pretty. Yet, the results of it all are all a part of my journey of healing. I would take nothing back for the experience.
Right now, I am breathing a bit more fresh air again, and that has been one of the negative after-effects of narcissistic abuse on the brain … a lack of fresh oxygen supply. Narcissistic abuse brings dark clouds to the brain that seem to be void of fresh oxygen for survival. Oftentimes, those dark clouds of thick fog are hard to pierce through. So I wait for the storm to come through those clouds, and I wait for the massive rain. I sit in the storm until it all dies down. Then I wait for the sun to rise and shine again.
That is the analogy of how I view my mental state until things are clear for me again. I wait for clarity. I have no choice. Because I become exhausted from exerting so much energy, I have to wait for the fog to evaporate and disappear. I no longer attempt to fight my way through it as I have in the past. That requires too much of my energy. Do not get me wrong. I do not choose to wallow in a depressive state. I simply turn my focus to something else like resting, sleeping, or taking a breath of fresh air in nature.
Oftentimes, I simply require something else to occupy my mind besides anything to do with narcissism. So for the time that I have been somewhat out of sync with blogging (and even journaling), I have been focusing on simply relaxing my mind, dealing with my emotions, and working on becoming a better me. It always feels like a slow process, but for now, it is the only way I can stop mid-swim (metaphorically) and keep myself afloat.
My Voice Unchained 