Always On The Outside Of A Narcissist’s Life
While in a relationship with any narcissist, you may always find yourself on the outside of their lives – never quite truly being a part of their lives even in the simplest of capacities and sometimes not even allowed to enter into their world at all except to get tiny peeks of who they are as if to stare from the outside of a window at them.
Unlike a narcissist’s flying monkeys and chosen enablers, you are left on the outside of their orbital realms. Even if you are in the love bombing stages with a narcissist, you will still be kept somewhat isolated from everyone else. Granted, you might be told that you are a special one to them, but this is simply a farce from which a narcissist builds upon for a cycle of abuse against you. You find yourself constantly remaining in an extended cycle of devaluation with them, and their hurling insults – both direct and indirect – gravely pierce your heart.
From my experience with all of the narcissists who have been a part of my life, I was never truly a part of their lives as much as I had thought. It actually depended on specific circumstances involving their own lives that determined my proximity to them. Yet, the distance I experienced with narcissists was a way for them to hardly make mention of me to anyone else unless they necessarily had to do so.
My presence was just there. I was mainly a figure in their lives that they utilized as an object for their own comfort’s sake. I was only important in the gestures of their pseudo-love languages but not important enough to truly matter to them. Sometimes I internalized that maybe I was born to be on the outside of the inner circle of these types of people because I never fit in with them. I always felt so socially awkward within a narcissist’s sphere when it came their other connections of people even when there was no tangible reason for me to feel this way.
On The Outside Looking In
I think of my teen relative right now because that is the only person exhibiting narcissistic personality traits that is within the realm of my life. Although psychologically young people are not typically diagnosed with personality disorders until they are 18 or older, I have been around enough narcissists to discern one based on certain patterns.
For a few weeks, I have picked up my relative for rides to school each morning. As with any typical teen, I sometimes encounter mood swings with this teen. Yet, I have taken note over time that the mood swings exhibited by this teen are reminders of the countless mood swings on a pendulum of silent treatments and stonewallings that I have encountered with other actual narcissists and narcissistic types.
With most teens, I have been able to wade through the mood swings with light conversation, but not with this teen relative. This teen is a tough one that makes it difficult for me to want to extend my love, care, and concern especially when I am constantly met with silent and sometimes not so subtle aloofness, disdain, and contempt. This relative makes me feel like I am dealing with a possible narcissist.
The mood swings of this teen always come with newly formed eggshells and a few landmines that I must evade walking upon at all costs in an effort not to upset our mornings. To be honest, I really never know what I am going to encounter. So most mornings I am silent. Despite my not being much of a talker because of my introverted nature, I attempt to make conversation with my relative as lighthearted, insightful, and funny as a morning can get. I am hardly as successful as I desire.
To brief myself, I often text this teen relative ahead of time to say that I am on the way. However, text messaging can be either hit or miss. I must always discern the mood I will encounter by the response (or lack of response) I receive from my texts. If there is no response, the relative has either overslept or is in a possible foul mood. Often, I never really know until I show up on the scene. If my texts are responded to immediately, then I know it is going to be an okay morning. If I am texted first, then I know it is going to be a great morning. Strange how that works.
I take in gest that this teen has uncannily set me up under a vial of control because the mornings seem to be under their rule, and this is how I have known narcissists to work. Yet, no matter how great a mood this teen is in, there is really never any true interaction with me. I am not part of this teen’s world unless I receive an invitation. Mainly, I do not take this behavior personally because the bulk of this age group can be sarcastic assholes as if it is some natural thing to be.
As of late, though, those invitations to join in this teen’s life have become more rare, particularly now that I also pick up this teen’s friend for rides too. The dynamic of the ride usually shifts from a simple pick up and drop off scenario to a scenario where I am the outsider within my own car. I feel like a bystander watching things happen. I am present. I am there. I am just not a part.
In the beginning of this ride-share situation, both my relative and the friend were more open to me within their conversations – perhaps out of politeness and respect for the ride. Yet, as my relative’s moods shifted, so did the moods of the friend. In fact, in the beginning, the friend talked a lot and always involved me in the conversations, but over time, I noted the way my relative somehow silently wielded the atmosphere with some type of magic wand that spread ice chips within the car to glaze me out.
Either my relative condones silence by simply not talking at all even when the friend is present or shifts their body language in a direction that stonewalls me out of conversations with their friend altogether. Frankly, it is all immature behavior on their part, and I do not openly react even when I feel a tiny surge of annoyance, but the behavior sends off an odd vibe to me that I am the problem, nevertheless.
This is when I take note of all the projection within the atmosphere. The purpose of the projection is so that I internalize that something is wrong with me. However, I do not take the bait. I do not internalize my relative’s behaviors against me even though I ponder their behaviors. Yet, I cannot help but consider that these immature behaviors are exactly the ways of narcissists … that narcissists behave in these exact immature ways.
Mainly, I do not indulge in teen talk anyway because I really do not know what is going on anymore. I sometimes might ask questions if I am genuinely curious about their topics of conversation, and I only laugh if I find something super funny. Otherwise, I simply drive in silence while listening to the conversations between two teens who do not have a clue of what is ahead of them in the “real world” of adulthood.
Always Not Part Of The World Of Narcissists
The world of teenagers in most of its capacity is a world I can leave alone even with an invitation. Unless my teen relative is ready to talk about the issues that plague them, then I will simply remain a silent supporter. That teen world is something I recall and can say I have been there and done that.
I now rest in regulating myself to being the unpaid taxi driver as a favor to a narcissistic teenager who has a reason for keeping me close that I do not quite understand. I find it uncanny, though, that I am not a part of this teen’s world in very much the same way that I was always not part of the world of narcissists I knew.
In the past, the sting of those narcissists’ snubs and rejections of me hurt me deeply, but as I have grown to understand the tactics of narcissists and the cycles of narcissistic abuse, I have come to realize that their negative attitudes and bad behaviors are all on them. I have come to realize that their stuff is simply their stuff and their problem. I no longer take it personally.
So I now simply choose my place on the outside of narcissists’ worlds realizing that I would rather stay on the outside looking in and remain always not a part of their worlds. I reason that limited or no contact is far better that way.
My Voice Unchained 