Learning To Heed The Small Tug Inside
I recently agreed to go to lunch with someone from my former work past. This former colleague’s phone number was one I had failed to block. When I received a message from her, I felt a small twinge of annoyance inside of me. I vaguely recognized the annoyance, but I did not immediately heed it.
Instead of heeding the annoyance, I listened to the former colleague’s message. She sounded as if she had sincerely missed me and simply wanted to update me on the current changes in her life. Admittedly, it felt nice to be missed and remembered, but an entire part of me simply did not want to reconnect with her. That was a small tug.
Nevertheless, I reached out to her. We chatted a bit and began rehashing the former life we had both lived as work colleagues. In the past, we had bonded through our work together and had experienced similar work abuses from common colleagues. Yet, despite this connection, I only half-heartedly regarded her as a “friend”. There was always something about her that felt off to me.
The more we chatted, the more I realized that even though we had both left our former workplace, she was still very much connected to the people who are still in it. Although there is nothing wrong with maintaining ties with people, I chose to cut ties with nearly everyone still in a toxic environment. Perhaps more than what she experienced in the workplace, I experienced harrowing points of workplace abuse and bullying that she has no clue about. So, it would be apparent that our work experiences would be totally different.
While this former colleague still maintains friendships with a lot of people still in that workplace arena, I have chosen to cut myself off so I do not continue within the abuse and toxicity. Perhaps this is a part of the reason I felt a small tug to decline re-entry back into that world … including hers. All the drama, even if secondary, makes me tired, and I do not want that drama in my life right now. I boldly mentioned to her that I am healing from the posttraumatic stress of it all. Isn’t she?
Agreeing To A Lunch Meet Sets The Stage
My first inclination was to block further contact with this former colleague after that first phone call with her. In fact, I had literally chosen to do this when another former colleague reached out to me out of the blue a few months ago. That situation was very telling regarding that former colleague’s motives towards me. She had only reached out to me to involve me in some crazy pyramid work scheme. When it became apparent to me that she only wanted to use me, I blocked her contact the very next day.
Yet, my sometimes current loneliness increased my acceptance of this former colleague’s invitation to meet up. I figured, even though there was a small tug within me, that it was just going to be a simple lunch meet. However, I could not get past that small tug within me that was pulling me to reconsider. Despite this former colleague’s continuous notions that she no longer wanted to be pulled back into workplace drama, I could tell that she was still very much connected, and it bothered me. In all earnest, that small tug was a warning to me.
Regardless, we set up a date to meet. Interestingly, I could feel my own feet dragging. I really did not want to meet up, but I did not want to be rude either. Reflectively, I reasoned that this colleague had not ever done anything against me, but I could not shake the feeling that something has always been off to me about her.
So when she had to cancel the first date we agreed upon, I was relieved because I did not want to go. When the second date came, I felt a sudden onset of sniffles and sinus pressure. Hours before, I wanted to cancel. Surely, those sniffles and feelings of sinus pressure was my way out, but I did not heed the small tug.
When we finally met up, I was less than pleased with the short-lived feeling of nostalgia. There was no nostalgia at all. Although we cheerfully greeted each other and I was glad to see her, I wanted the lunch to be over before it had even begun. Even the food I ordered made the lunch date less than memorable because it tasted so bland. I regretted not having ordered the actual “junk food” I had wanted. I did not heed the small tug.
To my surprise, this former colleague took over the bill for my meal and treated me. Although I was appreciative, I felt some type of unease within me about feeling obligated to her to get the next tab for a future meal. It was then that I reasoned that the small tug within me was indeed there for a reason. I was being warned to pay attention and be aware.
I paid attention to the setting of things, and I knew that I adamantly did not want to be reeled back in to that former life again. Even though neither the colleague nor I am part of our former workplace, her entire being – heart, mind, and soul – appears to still remain connected to a lot of people still there. Yet, my entire being has left our former workplace, and I want to keep the door closed on it.
As I felt that small tug within me over and over, I knew that this former colleague was grasping at straws to contain me. From her subtle but pushy prodding to keep a monthly lunch date connection between us to her invitations to invite me to walk with her and hang out periodically, I felt my silent world of contentment which I have created since breaking myself away from the toxic workplace environment being crashed upon.
So I took that opportunity to openly express to her that I was in love with my introverted world. Yet, her further push to reconnect turned me silent without expression. I had to wonder why she seemed to not hear me or read the room. Why could she not discern that I had no desire to reconnect with her? I found this strange, and I sensed her desperation.
Within me, I knew that her treat to pay for my lunch was nothing more than a possible way to increase that urge within me to feel some type of obligation to return the treat to her later. Yet, within me, I knew that I did not want to reconnect, and I did not want to return the treat. I could not even envision myself hanging out with her further for any more lunch dates, any walks, or any house visit invitations.
Frankly, I do not even want a friendship with her despite the loneliness I sometimes feel. Do not get me wrong, I think this former colleague is a nice person, but after living my life drama-free from a toxic workplace for a few years and not wanting to re-entangle myself back to an old life that I want to remain dead to me, I am simply not feeling her. I am not feeling her at all. So, I have decided to listen to that small tug within me, close the door, and not allow myself re-entry into that old world I want no parts of anymore.
I Still Need More Time
I still need more time, and that is okay. I still need more time to myself to heal. I do not owe anyone my life, and I do not owe anyone an explanation for why I choose to walk my path alone. The fact that this former colleague may be battling loneliness herself is not my problem. I have empathy, but I refuse to allow my empathy for someone else’s plight to blind me from a potentially toxic situation.
I love my life right now. It has been toxic-free enough since walking away from former workplace drama. Although it is good to reconnect with people from time to time, it is especially important to heed that gentle tug within. That tug is often a reminder to not reconnect with toxicity. That tug is also a reminder to pay attention to the person pushing for reconnection as well.
My Voice Unchained 