Jealousy And Envy
For this post, I bring to light how jealousy and envy can taint one’s view of another person and become so out of control that one will do anything to obtain their perception of peace. In terms of lessons learned, I know that at the heart of jealousy and envy is discontentment. That discontent is usually based upon what is wished for but is somehow unattainable.
For the most part, the jealous and/or envious person will always strive to attain peace that they will never have until they acquire what is unattainable. More often than not, when they do acquire what has been unattainable, they will still not be happy with themselves, and they will still not have peace. Their discontentment is somehow met with an insatiable need to have more, and there is literally no satisfaction.
My Experience
Jealousy and envy have taught me lifelong lessons. In fact, my first recallable instance was when I was two or three. The entrance of a new sibling into my life when I had always been the only child and the supposed apple of my parents eyes was not met with my fondness at all. It took me a while to adjust to this new creature that gained the attention of my parents and had his needs met upon the whim of a few cries.
My dad even wrote and sang a song about my baby brother. I recall how irritated I felt upon hearing my dad belt out this new tune on the ride home from the hospital. When he least expected it, I let out a shrill scream as a way to interrupt him. My chest felt heated and my cheeks felt flush with shame, and that was the first instance that I discerned jealousy within me. I was annoyed.
My brother’s crash upon my life’s party of one was eyed with great suspicion when I was first became aware of my mother’s growing belly [during her pregnancy]. My brother-to-be was not talked about much, but his arrival sure was, and my own anticipation grew of him. When he arrived into the world, the jealousy and envy I harbored against him caused me to waste no time in calming my fears and insecurities. I sought for a measure of peace that was not to include him.
Every opportunity I had to be alone with him for even a second gave me an opportunity to plot against him. It is interesting that feelings of jealousy and envy can exist within someone so young, but I remember the feelings specifically. For whatever reason, I saw my new baby brother as an obstacle who seemed to stop my life’s sole happiness. I had labeled him as an automatic irritant. I had not even allowed myself to get to know him before I had decided that I did not like him.
Because of him, I felt that I was no longer the prized possession within my parents’ eyes. Just like that, I felt I was no longer important when I had basically been all my parents doted upon for nearly three years. So I figured my brother needed to suffer for taking my parents away from me. Although I had no perfect plan that I recall, I did set about trying to make a plan happen. It is really interesting how a toddler formulates a plan to make something happen, but my mind seemed to know enough to create a plan to put my brother out of sight.
The Plan Of Jealousy And Envy
I remember hiding my baby brother in the closet of my room. My parents heard his cries and found him in his baby carrier. He could not have been more than three months old! I was at least 2.5 or three. Although it became a laughable story over the years, my family and I were all amazed how I somehow managed to get a hold of him, carry [most likely push] him into the closet, shut the door on him, and leave him in the dark.
I cannot remember how I got him into the closet, but I obviously had to have pushed him inside of his carrier into the room. My parents said that they were on the porch at the time thinking that my brother and I were inside of the home both sleeping. As my dad recalled, I was never much of a napper in those days, and this brings me to an interesting analogy.
Someone who is jealous or envious of another person never rests or sleeps. In fact, the more jealous or envious someone is, the more likely they are to remain awake plotting against the one they are jealous or envious of until their plan against the other snaps into place. This plan could be something as simple as subtle sabotage against the target of one’s jealousy/envy or it could be as dangerous as committing a heinous crime against the target of one’s jealousy/envy.
As for me, I just knew that I had to put my baby brother out of sight because his presence in my life was wreaking havoc upon my world. In my mind, I must have believed that if my brother was out of my sight, then he could be out of my mind too. I never bargained what my actions had to have meant for my parents, but I guess I did not care. I was only thinking about myself. My brother had to pay, and he would pay with a disappearance.
When my baby brother was heard crying, I remember hearing my parents look all over the house for him while I sat stone-faced in the den on the couch. When asked had I seen my brother, I smirked and said “no”. I remember feeling anguish on the inside for lying and wondering if I would actually get away with what I had done. But my father’s stares into my eyes told him the answer … that I was lying about my brother’s whereabouts, and soon my soul burned within me like hot coals of fire. I was definitely guilty, and he could see it. “What have you done with your brother?”
I ran outside. I felt instant shame for what I had done, but at the same time, I felt justified. It is interesting how I knew then what I was feeling even though I could not articulate those feelings. It is interesting that as a toddler I even felt entitled to be jealous as if I had every right to rid myself of what I perceived as an irritant.
Facing The Consequences of Jealousy And Envy
Once my brother was recovered from the closet, my father came to me outside. He was not angry. I remember him having a strange smile on his face that he seemed to attempt to contain from erupting into laughter. He had readily discerned the issue, and the issue was that I was jealous and envious of my brother. Nothing else made sense, of course.
[In a conversation in adulthood, my father remarked about how much energy it must have taken me to think up such a crafty plan to hide my brother in the closet. He was amazed that a not-quite-three-year-old could carry out such a plan, and I was amazed that feelings of envy and jealousy could have actually driven me to the point of such devious acts.]
My dad: Why did you put your brother in the closet?
Me: I don’t like him. Why don’t you take him back where you got him from?
My dad: We can’t. He was picked especially to be in this family and to be your brother. You were picked to be his big sister.
Knowing that I was keen on believing his every word, my father told me a story. He was a prolific storyteller, and I could always picture his every word. The story he told me changed my trajectory and everything I came to know about family jealousy and envy. I might have been a toddler, but I recall enough about the story that I understood its implications upon my life even then. I had an inner sense that my actions were wrong. I partly felt bad for even having feelings I could not control, and I internally wanted to change them.
My father did express that it was not wrong of me to feel what I felt, but it was definitely wrong of me to react the way I did towards my brother. I could have caused him harm, for one, and looking back, that was not something I really wanted to do. I felt completely sorry afterwards especially when my dad told me the story of Cain and Abel because I remember thinking I wanted to be like Abel and not Cain.
Cain seemed evil to me, and that was all because of his jealousy and envy getting the better of him against his brother Abel. For whatever reason, that story always stuck. I wanted to love my brother even though I felt left out and seemingly forgotten by my parents. My father assured me, though, that this was definitely not the case. My brother was new and required more of their time.
For what it is worth, I accepted my father’s story as explanation, and I tried to recover myself by getting back into my brother’s good graces. He had no clue of my jealousy or envy, of course. Yet, what he lacked in knowing, my mother made up for by no longer allowing me to be alone in his presence. She had reminded my father about how I would sneak slaps on his bottom when she tried to change his diapers, or how I always attempted to pinch his cheeks.
My father took a different angle, however. He allowed me to get close enough to my brother to understand my brother’s helplessness. At some point, I soon became my brother’s helper, and I no longer found myself standing in his shadow. It is as if I went from being in his shadow to being his protector overnight. Nevertheless, I learned a valuable lesson.
The object of my jealousy and envy was not ever going to be removed, and I would either learn to live with this fact or remain in a state of discontent. As a child, I learned to take the pathway of peace. I had no control anyway, but I learned to take the pathway of love and empathy. I learned to put myself in my brother’s shoes, and although I still viewed him as a pest on occasion, I came to understand that him and me were both getting the best of my parents’ worlds even if individually and somewhat differently.
It was a lifelong lesson for me to grow and learn to get along without living a life of envy and jealousy against my siblings and against other people in general. I gained the understanding that each of us [my siblings and me] are unique, and each of us have our own places within my parents’ hearts. Unfortunately, an environment of toxicity and narcissism has tainted the happiness that could have been, but I never outgrew the lessons that I learned either way.
My Voice Unchained 