A Root of Rejection?
Some people would say to me that maybe my inability to find the right people to love me stems from a root of rejection. Indeed, I have pondered this. I have pondered to understand myself so that I can change myself and become a better person just not for myself but for others.
I am certain that a root of rejection began in my life as early as my birth. My mother never let it be a secret that she wished that I had never been born, but her words never stopped me from loving others. Her words, later combined with the words of others, never stopped me from seeking the love I wished to have either.
In a way, this sounds like me searching for the love, acceptance, and nurturing I did not receive from my mother. In fact, when I look back over my life, I see no difference between myself and many of the narcissists that have been in my life, except that I have deep empathy.
Maybe my love as well as my understanding of love has been warped within that rejection by others, but I have still loved with my whole heart. I have still given the very best of myself even in my brokenness. That is always who I have been, and I do not honestly know any other way to be.
Because of who I am, however, I have frequently found myself in the path of the wrong people who I thought were the right people at the time. It has taken revisiting the red flags, making connections to the patterns of manipulative and coercive behaviors that drew me in to the wrong people, and looking at my own enabling behaviors that continuously keep me open to the wrong people.
My Voice Unchained 