A Thoughtful Analysis
If it was indeed the case … that I had been assigned by God to narcissists [just as it seemed that I was assigned to be a part of a narcississtic family], then I had more lessons to learn than I personally ever gave to either of them. I do not believe that narcissists learned anything from me except I was good for narcissistic supply.
Narcissists and other narcissistic personalities have been my school for the hardships of this life. It must have been thought that I obviously needed to be sharpened, chiseled, and molded by each of these narcissistic personalities to form as my own unique weapon against all the negativity within this world. I learned a lot from them relatively the hard way.
Nevertheless, throughout my life I encountered several narcissists and some all at once. I honestly did not always get the lesson in that, but I stayed busy attempting to learn and get through it all in one piece. Those all at once occurrences happened within church and work settings, and I was more than surprised in my earlier days of naivety to find that many narcissists love flocking to churches.
It would be later on that I would come to understand that these dark magnetic personalities are always drawn to the same places and the same types of energies. The energies of narcissists enmesh with each other even when they are against each other. Their abuse against others actually becomes strengthened when they amass. Imagine going to work or church being surrounded by these dark energies. It was hell!
The fact that I went to work to do my job or I went to church to worship was never truly the main goal of those narcissists. In fact, many of the narcissists were not even long time attendees to either of these establishments. It seems that they came to do an assigned task … and that was to cause mass destruction and chaos. Whenever there was any drama, they were always behind it.
Breaking It All Down
The fact that I believed that narcissists were an assignment to me seems like such a far-fetched conspiracy theory until I flip it all around and think about the fact that they could have been assigned to me. Imagine that!
Why on earth would I believe it possible that God would assigned me to dark personalities who are hellbent on my destruction? Of course, anything is possible with God, but ministering love and care to a narcissist often felt synonymous to engaging insensibly with a demon.
Yet, there I was believing I was to bring them “good news” when it was more likely that they were sent to me by the dark force of this world. That is not impossible either, but I do keep in mind the reality of it all. In essence, narcissists are people. Although they are not entities, they often attract dark entities to them (but even non-narcissists do too).
Too many times I have encountered a force operating through them that I knew was not the actual narcissists. I could either discern this through the changing tones of their voices, the dark black slits that would appear within their eyes, or an ethereal presence of darkness that surrounded them.
Often, this dark presence would give me shockwaves of fear and cause chills to run through my body. If the dark entities knew that I detected their presence, then the narcissists would look upon me with fear as if they had been exposed without ever really providing a reason. Some of their behavior would become stranger than normal, and they would awkwardly gaslight me into believing that my experiences were invalid even though I never uttered a word about the occurrences to them at all.
In Reflection
When I think about it, no narcissist that has ever been in my life has ever been changed by anything I brought into their lives. Even the fact that I loved them with my whole self, it never truly seemed that anything I did out of love and kindness ever affected them.
I did not learn love from these people, but I learned to love myself better. I learned what I did not want out of connections with people, and I learned a multitude of lessons that I do not necessarily want to repeat but often did with different faces.
Those narcissists of my past each went on with their own lives. They found narcissistic supply replacements after they discarded me or after I cut them off. I only mattered to them in as much as I allowed them to use and abuse me. Where was God in that?
On the flip side, however, I can see how I could have been an assignment for them. They studied me like one would study a course. They seemed to know a whole lot about me based on their observations prior to even meeting me. Most even went out of their way to research information about me via others.
For a time before I knew any of these narcissistic personalities existed outside of my own friendship or colleague circles, these narcissists were private investigators regarding all the surface details of my life. They came after me as if they had a purpose to do so.
The only ones with these types of personalities that this chase of me never occurred with were my parents. Interestingly, I was given right into their hands. Jeremiah of the Old Testament said that God knew me within my mother’s womb. So, I always figured that He, alone, had to have had His reasoning for gifting me to a family of narcissistic personalities.
On the one hand, I could blame the entrance of narcissists into my life on the devil, but I have come to understand that even the devil must present himself before God to ask permission to sift God’s children like wheat.
I was born into a family of narcissists, and I have been surrounded by them all my life. Throughout this journey, my light has often been hidden, dimmed, and nearly put out, but I am grateful that my light is still there.
Obviously, I am nobody special because when I think about it, most people are surrounded by narcissistic personalities. It is what it is, but when I think about the bigger picture, it certainly makes sense as to why support among survivors of narcissistic abuse and other related abuses are truly needed throughout the healing journey.
I will never forget a therapist telling me after a multitude of sessions that the sparkle that began to shine in my eyes was a sign that I was healing. She had not seen that sparkle before since she had begun working with me.
When I think back upon that time, I indeed was a dead woman walking. I was breathing but not quite alive. I had caved into my environment, and my energy was being siphoned away from me by narcissists, flying monkeys of narcissists, sympathizers of narcissists, and enablers of narcissists.
I was also bringing destruction upon myself, and I had given up. I had sunk into a depressive hole. I was unhappy, and my own countenance was dark. I was wallowing in my own anxiety ridden bottle of self-pity.
Eventually, I worked through my issues, and it required a lot of hard work. I had to learn the lesson that I could no longer stay within a toxic environment and expect to continue to heal. I had to break toxic bonds and soul ties with narcissists and their associates.
I had to re-establish myself. I had to grow up and mature. I had to stop using toxic coping mechanisms to deal with my problems. I had to see the red flags for what they were the first time and eliminate the need to make excuses for another person’s behaviors. I had to be accountable for my own darkness and flick on my own light.
Magnetic Attraction?
As far as a magnetic attraction, I would say that in the beginning of some of these connections, the narcissists all had their sights set on me, but I was oblivious. Not one narcissist was ever on my radar. Not one narcissist was ever anyone I even fathomed being friends with or being romantically involved with for any reason either.
My connections with those narcissists did not began organically. There was more of a push and pull type of vibe, where they pushed and I pulled away. To be honest, I was too busy protecting my small circle.
I was not always an eager person to open myself up, and for many of these narcissists, it took some time for them to pry my internal door open, but at some point, I opened the door. Looking back, I wish I had been more careful and more heeding to red flags about these people because once I opened the door, I opened the door to my own heartaches and problems along with theirs.
In a spiritual sense, I only had magnetic attractions with two narcissists upon simply meeting them for the very first time. Those attractions were powerful and strong to the point that I actually recall hearing a click in the spiritual realm and literally feeling a strong tension within the atmosphere.
Both narcissists were males, and the magnetic feeling coming from each of them [both at different times in my life] was piercingly strong. I suppose this was lust, but there seemed to be an element to it all that was even stronger. I soul tied with them almost instantly, and we had not even had a conversation. It was one of those times where I assumed that I had been hit with that love-at-first sight from cupid’s arrow or something.
Nevertheless, it was in those two moments with those two narcissists that I knew I had made connection, and something within their dark and unsettling eyes that seemed to agree upon this too. As far as other narcissists I encountered, that magnetic tension would only occur through times of bonding through sharing conversation filled with information about each other.
The bonding had to build because there was nothing instant on my end. Yet, some other narcissists who came into my life kept such strong distances from me that I wondered why they had a need to befriend me in the first place. I literally could have done without those types in my life, but once I became close to them, I was a friend “for life”.
I will never forget one narcissist telling me that she knew that I had an understanding of pain because there was something she could see within my eyes. Then after getting to know her, she proceeded to make sure her assumptions about me were correct by inflicting upon me the most hellacious of hurts that she could in an effort to break me.
I had a strong trauma bond with her, and the devaluing stages of narcissistic abuse that I suffered were gravely painful. I suffered such physical torment within my body as a result of increasing levels of anxiety, that I had no choice but to walk away from her.
I eventually walked away when she least expected it … right on the cusp of her own life changes. Exiting her life at the time that I did was not planned on my part, but I definitely had an urgency because my sanity depended upon it. In the end, my exit was a huge blow to her ego because I did not attend her wedding, nor did I ever reach out to her again. Although she hoovered me to return to her life, I remained silent. I vanished; I chose to be dead to her.
At some point with each narcissist in my life, I did reach my limit. I always do. Sometimes it took me far too long to get to that limit, but I did all I could to exhaust any other options besides walking away.
The trauma bonds that I had formed with each one were in varying degrees of strength, but once I reached my limit, I willingly cut the cords and ties with all of them for good.
In the end, though, there was no badge of honor for me for my longsuffering as a friend to these narcissists. There was also no reward for me putting up with all their narcissistic drama. I gained nothing outside of pain, perseverance within myself, and life lessons. I learned what types of people are the wrong people for me to love.
My Voice Unchained 