Who’s To Blame?
I was not necessarily an innocent bystander as situations with narcissists and other one-sided connections happened to me. The red flags were there even though at times they were faint. Once I did see them, I questioned myself. I also gaslighted myself, but I still chose to stay. I had not learned to let go of giving the benefit of doubt, and I had already been conditioned to being around these types of personalities for far too long. In many ways, I also felt trapped, and that is hard to explain. I wanted to let go, but I was afraid of letting go.
I once felt that by sticking around and smiling my way through it with narcissistic personalities, that I was being loving and caring person. I was not wanting to be the next person in their lives that walked away from them when so many others had abandoned them. I wanted to be supportive. I wanted to stand beside them. I wanted them to know I was a real friend. BUT, I was dying an emotionally slow death with each continued stance with them. I was dying spiritually, and at times I felt I was dying literally.
By literally, I mean that I suffered enormous physical fatigue and illness as a result of my continued availability to those narcissists. I suffered emotional pain because of the cycle of abuse of was subjected to as I tried to honor them as people because I loved them even though that same love was never being reciprocated back to me. At times, I battled suicidal thoughts because I felt that I just was not good enough, and nothing I did was good enough either. Then other times, I felt as if a strong dark entity wanted to end me too whenever I experienced extreme and volatile rage directed my way from these narcissists whenever something piercingly dark stared at me through their eyes.
I completely lost myself. I lost my identity. I lost track of my goals. I lost my necessary will to fight. At some point I felt that I ceased to exist, and I just became numb to it all. Much of the time, my head was spinning around the fact that my heart was continually compounded with grief over the unwillingness of these narcissists to recognize the pain they were causing me. I simply could not understand why they were so mean to me despite the fact that I was so nice to them. I was blamed for a lot of things that were not my fault, and interestingly, I took accountability for a lot of their stuff just to keep the peace.
Overall, though, I loved each one of these narcissists with my whole self anyway, and in spite of their hatred against me, I was foolishly fueled by more of the same regarding their behavior towards me, but I continued to stand with them because I held onto the hope that they would change. I figured because I saw them to their core being and thought I knew who they were beyond their masks, that it was a good thing. I falsely believed that somehow they would miraculously see me and my efforts and then get a clue and change.
Unfortunately, narcissists change for no one. They do not even change for the sake of themselves. I have used my mother’s behavior towards me as a marker for change. Since my childhood she has only progressively become worse to the point that I had to release her as if she is dead to me even though she still lives. So it has been the same with other narcissistic types too. I had to release each one to free myself. I had to release each one as if they were dead to me even though they still live, and I must say, there is nothing more painful than grieving someone and moving on even though there is a chance I might pass them on the street.
Although I saw each narcissist who had been in my life for who they all were … beneath the surface of their many masks, I also saw their internal core pain as well. I saw the shame they each attempted to hide behind in fear of me truly seeing them. I saw their pain, recognized their pain, empathize with their pain, related to their pain, and even connected to their pain. The best part of me as an empathic person saw them as wounded people, and I knew. I understood. Yet, for all their stubbornness, they simply could not let go of their inner woundedness.
Instead, they chose to hold onto their bitterness, hostility, unforgiveness, and intense rage for something I was never responsible for in their lives. It was as if with each one, there was an entity that held them captive while they remained motionless, unmoving, and unloving as if to give up their own souls for a bargain to remain in control and all-powerful. It was much too much for me in those moments, and I knew I had no choice but to walk away. It was a realization that they have to be the one to forge their own way to healing just as I have chosen to do for myself.
The saying that you can lead a horse to water but not make him drink does not apply to narcissists. You cannot lead narcissists anywhere. They will adamantly refuse you. They will adamantly deny peace. They more aware that I became of the truth of these narcissists, the more they hated me for this truth while also hating themselves even more for the exposure. In the end, I was left with all of their projected negativity onto me, and like a fool, I willingly accepted it all believing that somehow it was my lot to suffer through it.
And I did suffer through it. I literally suffered through it all with a smile. I agonized over their sufferings more so than my own. In my mind, I thought I could reach them … by trying to help them. Yet, in the process, I somehow became the weak one in their eyes, and they hated me. They absolutely despised me even more. My help was not needed nor wanted because I was not the right person. I have never been the right person for any narcissist (except as their supply), and any narcissist will never be the right person for me.
My Voice Unchained 