The Reality
The realization is … I am not the weak one. With each narcissistic personality that has been in my life, I have stood up for myself through their cycles of abuses against me … especially in the end when it was either me being discarded or me walking away.
At some point, I did walk away from them all even though I did not do so abruptly. I did not back down either. From the normal advice given that one should simply shut the door and give no explanation, I chose to forge my own path because that has always been who I am.
I was true to myself in the way I needed to be. I did not care if some of those narcissists heard me for the things I said, but looking back, I know each one of them did hear me enough to attempt their hoovers. They heard me loud and clear. Many of them heard me enough even when I remained silent too.
For a few narcissists, I simply let the door close on my relationships with them without saying a word. With those narcissists, it was clear to me that they knew what they had done anyway. There was no need to speak to them about anything. They were cowards. That is how they choose to live their lives.
With those narcissists, I was simply done. There were no additional words to say. I had already attempted breaking through their hard brick walls to be heard, but I was unsuccessful. So, I simply stopped talking to them at all. I grew silent and disappeared.
I stopped all form of communication. I let those so-called relationships I had with them fade. I became busy with living my life until there were no more connections that I wanted to make with them. Then I silently cut myself away from all contact with them. Perhaps this is what they wanted anyway.
When those narcissists attempted to hoover me, I simply never responded. I was gone, but I knew they were already aware. Prior to the finality, I would catch them stealing glances of me as if to figure out how much longer I would stay in their lives. They knew even then, that I was done … that I had resigned to continue fighting to remained a part of their lives.
Still, with other narcissists with whom I thought I had a more meaningful connection with and never felt that I had the opportunity to speak my peace, I chose to give myself closure on my terms. I had to be certain that these narcissists knew that I was done. I needed to verbally express myself so that there would be no doubt in their minds that I was not going to remain open to them anymore.
Although it is often frowned upon because narcissists do not truly give closure, I chose to give myself the closure I believed I needed, and I chose to read these particular narcissists openly like a read book. I spilled the beans on their secrets to each of them as if I had read their diaries. I opened their wounds, but I also opened mine too.
I was kind about it and very careful not to cause them further narcissistic injury, but I know that narcissistic injury cannot always be helped even if not intentional. I did so to show them exactly how similar each one of us were and are – all trapped in some kind of emotional pain. I relayed to them that I was on the same bitter road at times where I remained trapped in a cage, but I had reached a point in my life where I wanted off that bitter road and out of the cage.
I guess I wanted them to understand, but the truth of the matter is that they do not care to understand, but this did not stop me, and strangely, they all allowed me to talk. They were very aware that this was the last time they would hear me speak, and they were either stunned that I was detaching myself or looking for a weakness to exploit.
In exposing myself to them, however, I gave them a dose of what they had never been able to stand about me but also equally about themselves. Although I never attempted to disrespect them, they still received my words as the final blow to their ego because I reiterated to them what they truly wanted to escape, and that was the truth.
I chose to unlock the key to my cage and get out. I chose redemption. I chose to not to continue remaining with them in their insanity. I do not mean to say that they are crazy, but it is truly tormenting to know that one can get out and be free but chooses to remain locked within trauma. I could always relate to this, and I could always relate to them.
For my own purposes, I wanted them to know how well I knew them … that in my life, they were seen, heard, and understood. Although they studied me to gain control of my weaknesses and use those weaknesses against me, I, in turn, studied them in the same way but to encourage them and empower them. It is odd that I wanted to see them free and healed. I had love for each of them.
I was a good friend in their lives. I was a damn good friend. I do not even say this to boast or brag. It was simply how I was created to be … to pour out myself to others … to stick to those that I love and lay down my life for them if necessary. Little did I consider that laying down my life for someone who treated me with all the evil they could muster up against me most of the time was practically synonymous with jumping into a coffin while alive.
Too bad for them that they could not see my light before them without trying to dim it or completely put it out. Too bad that light cast a shadow onto their own darkness. Too bad they saw my light but misused it. Yet, perhaps they saw my light, and their sole purpose was to stomp it out. I sometimes believe this because of the evil, but then other times I believe it because the light frightens them because of their own darkness they wish could be illuminated.
Yet, in the process of my getting to know those narcissists, it would be their own elements of darkness that exposed the issues in my own life that needed continual healing. I had to take accountability for my part too. I had to realize that perhaps I left my light on with them for too long when I should have long walked away. The red flags were always there even as they walked into my life.
It is all too bad, and it is too bad that they missed the sunlight shining into their lives because their hearts were too hardened to notice. Yet, sometimes that sunlight actually hardens them because they do take notice of it, and they detest it. Too bad they took no value in me and never noticed my worth, but then again, they did notice my value and worth or they would not have been so busy trying to devalue me at every turn.
Nevertheless, all the while that I was standing by them, they wanted me to feel like them … like I was worthless and unlovable, but I simply could not. I bounced back from their insulting and devaluing words against me because I am resilient. What most of them did not know is that I have lived through my spirit being broken in extremely traumatic ways, and I still stand … I stand to be able to talk about it by the grace of God.
If they already knew my worth, then why the projection of their worthlessness onto me? Mainly it was that they wanted me to feel as worthless and unlovable as they felt about themselves and/or in regards to what others had said about them. But if they had not been so busy trying to one-up my life experiences or disparage me because of them, they might have been able to reflectively see that we were really not that much different in our experiences.
Nevertheless, my reality is that I have since learned, grown, and matured. I am not the same person since leaving narcissists or being discarded by them. I have no doubt that there have been other new supply shining light into these narcissists’ chaotic lives too. After all, they live their lives in a revolving cycle of love bombing, devaluing, and discarding others.
In all cases in my personal experience, they … all the narcissists … including my parents … chose me. They came after me. They wanted to be around me. They wanted me in their lives. They stood on the path of my light. As would be the case with my sometimes foolishly ignorant self, I figured I had enough light to share as if to light a bunch of candles.
Yet, when the light I gave them not only illuminated me but illuminated them, we collectively came to see them for who they really were [and are], and they could not handle it. They could only handle themselves knowing their darkness. They could not handled me knowing their darkness too. Instead of simply retreating from me and choosing to deal with their stuff, they chose to suck me up into their dark souls while attempting to destroy me in the process.
But I am a force. I am a child of the Light. I will not be swallowed up by their darkness. I refuse this as my end. I am resilient. I get knocked down … a lot, but I bounce back. I get back up. I have to. I have a strong will to survive even when I feel like I can’t move any further or want to give up. Just when narcissists think I am destroyed and down for the count, I open my eyes wide to see I have a journey I wish to complete.
So I try to learn my lessons, and if I repeat them, I learn even more. Yet, now, I am at a point in my life that repeating lessons with narcissists is just not something I want to do anymore. I am ready for a new chapter, but until then, I will continue to face reality that my journey continues.
My Voice Unchained 