The Birthday Surprise
As soon as I entered into the world of The Spoiled Bully, I was subjected to her wants and needs, her strong desire to control me, and her nasty cycles of abuse. Oddly, she was the one who chased after me for my friendship, and I had allowed her to enter into my bubble. All the while, however, she had never readily accepted anything about my world. She did not care to entertain my wants and needs. I did not matter in as much as I was narcissistic supply for her. Although I did not see this about her in the beginning, it soon became clear around her birthday.
One of The Spoiled Bully’s closest friends and flying monkey associates decided to throw The Spoiled Bully a princess-themed birthday celebration. To be clear, The Spoiled Bully was turning 30 at the time. We were, at that point, the same age, but I found it a bit odd for a grown woman to be given a princess themed birthday party. This was not really something I was accustomed to as an adult, but I decided to go along with it. Everybody has their likes, and it had already been made obvious to me that she loved anything that dealt with princess themes. So I went with it.
Although I decided not to dress up like a minion to the princess for this themed party, I did wear something pink. I will never forget arriving to the venue. I was incredibly anxious because I do not like large gatherings. Even joining two people is too many people for me. I am highly introverted and abnormally awkward in social situations. I rarely go to large social gatherings for this reason. So I was not really looking forward to this party at all. I remember actually sitting in the car upon my arrival pondering over a suitable exit strategy and thinking about how many times I would need to go to the bathroom Yet, I wanted to push through for my friend, The Spoiled Bully, and I did not necessarily want to be a party-pooper.
Needless to say, when the other guests arrived to the venue, we all walked inside and took our seats at designated tables to wait for The Spoiled Bully’s arrival. I was seated at the table with The Spoiled Bully because I was considered to be one of her closest friends. In fact, everyone thought we were best friends because we were practically always together since we became friends, but what I did not know that I was on my way out of the love bombing stage with The Spoiled Bully. Somewhere along the line, I missed out on the fact that I was approaching the stage of devaluation. Looking back upon this episode of the friendship, I do even not know for sure what I had done to her besides becoming busy with my work life.
Once The Spoiled Bully did arrive to the venue (15 minutes later than the party began), she came through the entrance with a snarled look on her face. It was evident to me that she was in a foul mood. I did not know why, but I figured it may have been work-related or the awful traffic since most of us had all gone home straight from work to get ready for this party. As she approached the table where she would be seated across from me, I could feel a knot of tension arise within my belly. I knew this tension all too well, and I had always associated it with some wrong I had done in the past that displeased a narcissistic like foe.
In fact, the closer The Spoiled Bully walked to the table, the more I felt the knotted tension increase within me. Metaphorically, I immediately expected to hear the sound of eggshells cracking because The Spoiled Bully did not appear happy at all. She actually appeared to be very angry. Upon seeing me as she entered, that was the only time we had made direct eye contact the entire time of the party. When she specifically greeted everyone at the table except me, I was bewildered with a chronic sadness deep within me. She never looked at me anymore even though I greeted her cheerfully. She literally shunned me with her entire body and made sure to greet everyone else with extra loudness and excitement.
It was odd, and right away, one of The Spoiled Bully’s comrades, a man everyone presumed she had a crush on, seemed to take note (by the way his eyes glanced at me directly) of the fact that I had already been iced out of the group by her coldness. He looked at me a few times with a sorrow in his eyes that indicated that he was not a willing participant in her shunning activities. I could intuitively tell that he knew the cycle of narcissistic abuse The Spoiled Bully wielded over others even if he could not completely name that there was a cycle of abuse. Since he and everyone else had known her much longer, I could only assume by the look in his eyes that her mean behavior had been experienced by the group multiple times before.
Needless to say, while everyone began to look over their menus and talk amongst themselves, The Spoiled Bully leaned over to one of her flying monkeys and spoke to her loudly enough for me to hear her. I could actually tell she wanted me to hear her as she seemed to glance upon my direction without making direct eye contact with me. In the most embittered sounding voices she could muster up, she asked the flying monkey, “Who invited her?!!!?” I could tell right away that the flying monkey was unsettled by the question. In embarrassment, the flying monkey quickly glanced at me. I presumed that she hoped that I had not heard the question or the tone of the question, but I had and could not help but to hear and feel it.
If I had not seen The Spoiled Bully verbalize the words, maybe I would not have been affected as badly as if I had only heard her say words. Yet, the tone in which she verbalized the question sounded quite nasty. I was stunned. Almost instantaneously upon her question being released into the atmosphere, a sharp-pointed dagger was shot right into my heart. The break of the blow was palpable, and I experienced a pain so deeply that I could only equate it to the same kind of pain that I had felt from three other narcissistic beings I had known prior to her who took pleasure in causing me pain with their spoken words.
My emotions were crushed while I attempted to figure out within myself exactly what I had done wrong to garner such a mean reaction from The Spoiled Bully. As far as I knew, our friendship was okay (or so I had thought). Aside from me being busy with work, we still hung out when I was able to do so. Yet, here was her birthday – a supposed special occasion for her, and she was treating me as if I was her worst enemy. I glanced back over the files of memory within my mind to any times where things with her seemed off, and I could not find a thing. I was less in a state of shock by her behavior and more broken-hearted than anything, and I believe she wanted to see me that way too.
The hateful glances that shot from her eyes towards me were a strong indication that she was not pleased with my presence at all. Inside of myself, I began planning an escape from her party. I desperately wanted to leave, but instead, I stuffed down the tears that wanted to erupt from my eyes back into my belly. Instead, I cried deeply on the inside of myself as I had learned to do often during my childhood. I tried my best to maintain a strong composure. After all, what did I really have to be upset about? In a gaslighting way, I was not supposed to hear The Spoiled Bully’s words. Did I really hear them? I found my exit from the table for a brief moment in time by going to the bathroom. In the bathroom, I attempted to gather myself. I even prayed about how to handle the situation. I felt like I needed redemption.
When I returned back to the table, the ordered food was being served to everyone. I looked around the room in silence as everyone began eating while having giddy and/or serious conversations. At the table where I sat, there was eating and lite conversation, but I took note that no one was entertaining conversation with me. I felt the tension all around me, but I was clueless as to why the tension was there. Everyone else seemed to be okay and having a good time, but I was sinking more deeply within myself. I fell into a stage of regretting ever having accepted an invitation to the party and wishing I had never met The Spoiled Bully while wondering how to stage a final exit.
In fact, The Spoiled Bully actually increased my desire to want to leave and never set eyes on her again because of the way she rudely behaved towards me. She never spoke directly to me at all at any time during the party. Instead, she talked around me and over me. I was perplexed, and when I tried to make conversation with her, she shunned me as if she did not hear me and could not be bothered to address me. She talked over me while directing her conversations to others at the table. She made sure I stayed within a silent mode by ensuring that no one else talked to me either. It was an awkward situation, and I hated every moment of it.
At some point, it became apparent to me that others noticed The Spoiled Bully’s behavior too. In fact, one of the main flying monkeys attempted to squelch The Spoiled Bully’s behavior. It was actually apparent to me that the flying monkeys and others at the table could see The Spoiled Bully’s hostility towards me. The main flying monkey joked to The Spoiled Bully that no one wanted to see how un-Christian-like she could be, but it was too late (for me at least).
The Spoiled Bully’s mask was off (for everyone to see). She may have not realized it, but she revealed the ugliest part of herself to me in a way that caused me to close down to her. Yet, everyone else behaved as if all was well even though I could see how uncomfortable The Spoil Bully’s behavior seemed to be making everyone. She did not care though. She was in charge. She was the princess of the party. She wore a pink sash across her chest while donning a diamond-studded tiara to signify that she was the one to be honored at the table, at the party, and in that particular church group.
Needless to say, I attempted to maintain a positive attitude throughout her party even though I was emotionally flailing on the inside. It was apparent to me that I was on the outs with her even though I was not particularly sure what I had done to her to be in that position. Yet, I planned my stay at the party up to the point after she opened her gifts. She made a big deal of what everyone got her. She saved my gift to her for last though. I assumed she was going to make a big spectacle of what I had gotten her too, but when she opened my gift to her, she remained silent. In her silence, I could see the look of narcissistic injury within her eyes. My gift left her speechless.
Everyone else had gotten her nice gifts, but my gift to her spoke volumes to her because it meant that I had listened to something she desired from a place she loved to shop. Everyone else at the table were dumbfounded by my gift and my words to her in the card I gave her too. I had remarked on my gift to her and the joy that I had in her friendship. Everyone, besides her, clapped and said, “Wow! You did good!” The main flying monkey even turned and said to The Spoiled Bully, “Wow! She got you exactly what you’ve been talking about for the past three months!”
Although everyone else praised the gift that I gave The Spoiled Bully, she said nothing to me. She did not even look at me either. She just had a sheepish look on her face. I had seen this look before from three other narcissistic people from my past. I immediately equated that look to shame. The Spoiled Bully had a look of utter shame. Her face was flushed, and her eyes glistened as if she had been taken away into deep thought. For what seemed like a long moment, my gift and words in the card to her had rendered her speechless. In response, she never uttered a word … not even as much as a “thank you”. Everyone else seemed to appreciate me for the gift I gave to her.
Although my gift was not at all meant to embarrass her, The Spoiled Bully could not seem to hide her shame. I believe my gift displayed to everyone else what she meant to me as a friend all while she was treating me like I was trash. I had purchased the very thing she wanted – an inexpensive gift that she had indirectly mentioned on numerous occasions to anyone who listened to her. My gift to her was not only that I had listened to her, but I had heard her heart on the matter. Before her royal court, I came through because I thought that is what friends were supposed to do for each other.
Instead, however, the princess (The Spoiled Bully) treated me like a dirty outcast throughout her entire birthday party. She devalued me by subjecting me to her silent treatment and stonewalling behavior. She shunned me and blocked me out of entire conversations in an effort to humiliate me in subtle ways (and not so subtle ways) before others. I did not deserve her mistreatment at all. So, that look of shame that I saw within her eyes and within her posture was proof to me that she had expected to make me look foolish the entire time only to have her plan backfire in her own face. I gave her a most precious gift from my heart, and she deserved nothing but a crusty frog to kiss in that moment.
After the gift-giving was over, she still could not and would not look at me. I sincerely believe she was ashamed of her own mean behavior against me and did not want it called out. I never figured a reason for her behavior, and I did not stick around to do so either. I got up from the table, gave my salutations, and made my exit from the venue. My heart was sore. It ached profusely, and I longed to run to my car so that I could just get inside of it and cry. As I walked towards the door keeping my back turned towards the group, one of The Spoiled Bully’s flying monkeys came to me and apologized to me on The Spoiled Bully’s behalf.
When I asked the flying monkey “Apologize for what?”, the flying monkey said, “You know … she [The Spoiled Bully] gets that way sometimes … and all of us just try to ignore it … I guess it was your turn, and I think she feels bad now. I certainly feel bad.” The truth of the matter was, however, is that I do not know if The Spoiled Bully felt bad about her behavior towards me. Even if she did, she never apologized to me for her behavior at all. The flying monkey apologized because the flying monkey saw The Spoiled Bully’s behavior and felt bad about it. I responded to the flying monkey with “Thank you. I appreciate you trying to help, but the princess is 30 now. I think she should speak for herself.”
In retrospect, I think the flying monkey hurriedly apologized on The Spoiled Bully’s behalf because she did not want me going back to anyone within the church about what I had experienced at the party. I was friends with a specific core person that The Spoiled Bully would not have wanted to know that she was such a monstrously mean person towards me for no reason. Although I do not know if my thoughts on this are for certain, I know it enough to know that this was how the people within the church I attended operated all the time. In fact, so many people apologized for The Spoil Bully’s nasty behavior towards others often enough that it was commonplace. The Spoiled Bully was never allowed to take accountability for her own actions. She was spoiled.
Needless to say, that was the first and last birthday party for The Spoiled Bully that I ever attended even with invitations, and even though I continued as a member of the church long afterwards. Although I celebrated The Spoiled Bully’s birthday with a card and gift a few more times, I never involved myself in any of her gettogethers with others. This particular birthday party left me with a bruised heart and post-trauma that would not be soon forgotten. I reasoned that I could not trust myself not to be isolated for an attack in a large group that I do not like being a part of anyway. In fact, I ceased hanging out with The Spoiled Bully for a long time after her birthday. I even shrank back from sitting near the front during praise and worship time. If only I had continued with my distance from her, I might not have incurred additional pain.
Stay tuned for the next post about The Spoiled Bully.
My Voice Unchained 