When No-Contact Really Hurts
I am at a loss of words as I write this particular blog post. I feel utterly helpless. I was always the great defender and protector of my brother. Even as adults, he remains my little brother. So it is at times like these that I find it difficult to continue with no-contact knowing what I know.
For the past few weeks, I have been thinking about my brother a lot. The thoughts about him have come on strong at times to the point that I am overcome with great emotion. Mainly, I have been living in the light of memories – what once was and what still is … At the time of my thoughts, I did not know why felt so moved with emotion.
Throughout the remembrance of specific memories, I grieved. I still grieve. I grieve what has been lost. I grieve what has not yet become. I hurt, and I anguish. If time truly heals all wounds, then the wounds that my brother and me have incurred have been skipped. I think solely now of my brother. I long for him to be healed.
Most recently, I pondered back in time regarding the jealousy I harbored against my brother when he was first born. It took me some time to adjust to the newness of him. It had always been just me, but before long, I became my brother’s defender … his protector. I was proud to be his big sister, and I still am proud to be his big sister.
In like manner, my brother looked up to me to help him to steer clear of all wrongs. I was his voice to help him keep out of trouble, and I was his conscience to help him learn right from wrong. I was the big sister who looked out for him to ensure that his way would be safe, and I cleaned up a lot of his messes along the way too.
I grew up to be the big sister who worried about him every step of the way especially when he began to forge his own way out into the world. Although I never stepped into his way to control him or crowd him with my opinions or advice about his life, I quietly sat near by allowing my presence to let him know I was there for him. He has never been far from my thoughts even when I was not around, and he has never been out of my heart. I love him fiercely.
Too bad we were surrounded by evil. Too bad we were surrounded by the plans of those who could have cared less about the destinies that we set out to unfold for ourselves. Too bad that those destinies were not held in high regards so that our pathways would remain clear. But that was the way life rolled for us. There is no turning back now. The spiritual clouds of wicked darkness as it relates to narcissistic abuse sucks! Yet, there is even far more darkness than this.
Unfortunately, my own battles with various traumas throughout my childhood and into my adulthood kept me from being able to firmly stand on guard as needed to protect my brother. There were times when he had no choice but to fend for himself. My distance made him resentful of me for a time, but growing up, maturing, and realizing some truths helped to change that. Although my brother is not my enemy, we are regrettably not as close as I would have desired for us to be. Life happened, and we grew apart.
Currently, I am no-contact from my brother. I needed to make that as my primary choice for my own sake. Although I cannot be with him physically, I stay on guard for him with my prayers, but at some point, additional life struggles happened to me, and I regrettably evaded my watchman post of prayer. My prayers for him were not always regular, and there were times I figured he needed to be accountable for his own actions. Was I to be my brother’s keeper?
Currently, my narcissist-mother lives with my brother and his family. So, since I am no-contact with her, I must be no contact with him and his family too. My decision to cut my mother out of my life has affected my relationships with my brother and his family too, and although he somewhat understands my decision to cut her off, my no-contact has created a wedge between us.
It is unfortunate that my brother and I do not talk. In fact, we have not talked to each other in a few years since my mother has become his live-in tenant. The times that we have talked, it had to be done secretly so that our mother would not know. I was that strict about no-contact with her. Yet, it came to be a problem eventually, and our conversations stopped.
Now, in a moment that is another one of my brother’s darkest hours, I am not there. I am visibly absent. What does one do when they are no-contact from the extended family of a narcissist? Do I break my contact and put up with the disturbance of my peace to stand with my brother? Even if I chose to stand with him now, I could not do so in peace. My mother does not allow for peace when around her.
This may sound crazy, but I would not be surprised if my brother’s diagnosis would completely turn around for the better (possibly healing and disappearing on its own) if he chose to break free from the narcissistic trauma grip that binds him. He and my mother are soul-tied together in a toxic way, and I can only imagine it to be a miserable existence for him as it was in the past for me. In fact, continuing to live with a narcissist sucks one dry of all energy and most often accelerates both a spiritual and physical death.
Currently, my brother is unaware that I know he is confronting a cancer diagnosis. I am frozen stiff within my path because I dare not let down my guard even in this. I am not afraid, but I do not want to go back to bondage. I fought too hard to get out of it concerning my mother. The decision to go no-contact was an arduous and long-thought out process. I did not take it lightly, and I do not take it lightly even now despite my brother’s diagnosis.
So I pray for direction while wondering my next step, and I pray for my brother to get through this journey – a new chapter in his life. I pray that he gets the best medical help that he needs, and I hope for his healing and full recovery. I even wish that he would see the need to release himself from our narcissist-mother. I wish that he could see by now that after all these years she has never changed despite her empty promises. Regardless, however, I know that it is his own decision to make.
This is when no-contact hurts. The unforeseeable damage that a narcissist causes does not just affect one person, the damage affects everyone involved within the family dynamics. I would have been better off not knowing about my brother’s diagnosis, and I wish that my dad had kept this information to himself. It is a wonder that this was not my dad’s own idea to get me to break no-contact because I have limited contact with him too since they all live within the same area.
But now that I know, I hurt. I grieve. I anguish. But I do not hurt, grieve, or anguish for myself. I hurt, grieve, and anguish for all that is for my brother and for what could have been even now had life been so much different for him. I grieve, hurt, and anguish for all that I must still let go of even now. Although I know that I have no power to change anything that has happened to my brother and me in the past, I do wish that life could have been very different for us …
So I go back in time to retrieve the memories.
No-contact really hurts.
My Voice Unchained 