No Room To Share
For the number of years I remained at the church also attended by The Spoiled Bully, I was often subjected to her narcissistic abuse whenever I reopened myself back up to her after her many discards. She reigned from the worship platform with an iron fist over the congregation, and it was obvious that there was no room for anyone else to share a peaceful presence at the church as long as she was there.
The Spoiled Bully was not all bad, but as time went on, I liked her less and less. It became harder to find the good in her, and that bothered me. My energy was constantly depleted by her tactics against me, and I did not like the person I was turning into either. I was relieved when she would discard me and move on to other sources of supply. Because I had other friends within the church who she did not care for, I was able to gladly dodge her most times.
After any situations where she had brought chaos to my door that I had to clean up, she would disappear for a time and feign like she was hiding away to practice music. Other times, she would claim to have gone into her prayer closet to get closer to God. She often walked around with Christian books or her bible in tow to give the impression that she was filled with God’s Spirit when she was perhaps filled with nothing more that demonic spirits or the spirits she drank from a bottle she always kept hidden in a cupboard that few knew about.
Although The Spoiled Bully claimed the alcohol was to assist in the healing of her throat for singing, I am sure she would have hated if anyone implied that she had a drinking problem and allowed that information to spread as “gossip”. Do not get me wrong. We all have our secrets, and we do not want them broadcast to others, but The Spoiled Bully never had a problem publicly bringing up anyone else’s secrets or confidential conversations to others at the most random times.
After repeated mishaps with me, I learned to tell The Spoiled Bully nothing about myself in fear that she would leak my information as a part of her conversational stories. Yet, if anyone even remarked on something that she did not want to be fodder for gossip, she would literally blow a gasket, throw out a mean keg of silent treatment, and make sure the offender was isolated and shunned into outer darkness. Her wrath seemed unmatched within that specific church environment, and absolutely no one was off limits to her.
I finally reached my limit when one too many of The Spoiled Bully’s attacks upon my introverted personality caused me great humiliation and even greater frustration. She never honored me as a person. She never respected my needs as an introvert. She would constantly crash into my world of solitude by inviting others over with her to my home without telling me anyone else was with her. She would pick me up for outings only to take me to someone’s home that was always having a huge get-together when she already knew how I felt about crowds and parties. She would also frequently show up to my home unannounced even though I had explained the specifics to her of the boundaries I needed honored as an introvert.
The Spoiled Bully frequently made me feel as if I was the problem and that I was not being Christian enough. Everything about me was wrong in her eyes, and I needed fixing. During the love bombing phase of my “friendship” with her, I could do no wrong, but once she began devaluing me, she never stopped. She would even tell others about my seemingly weird idiosyncrasies to which I never knew how to respond without always feeling as if I was on the defense. Most times, I was witty enough to give a comeback, but she never liked my wit either as it was a constant blow up in her face.
At some point, I tired of The Spoiled Bully, and she finally struck out with me for good. Unfortunately, though, I was too longsuffering in allowing her to get away with so much because I felt guilted into being a good Christian. I had to remember that even Jesus wiped the dust off his feet and bid a farewell to toxicity.
Stay tuned for the next post.
My Voice Unchained 