What I Learned About Narcissistic Personality Disorder
My time with The Spoiled Bully was not all in vain. I did learn a lot about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Even though I learned a lot through reading about NPD, there is nothing quite like experience. In fact, she taught me a lot in terms of how this disorder affects not only the one being abused because of it but also all of the people affected by it, and of course, she most likely has no idea.
If I were a licensed clinician, I would most definitely say The Spoiled Bully has all nine characteristics that would qualify her for the diagnosis of NPD. After spending ample time with her and learning about her family background, it was apparent that she suffered trauma even though I never learned the full details. I was able to fit bits and pieces of her life puzzle together to draw my on conclusions.
In so many ways, The Spoiled Bully and I were no different from each other. We had similar childhood experiences. We could have been complete mirrors of each other had it not been for the fact that I have a bit too much empathy while she lacked any empathy at all. More than being a reflection of her, she reminded me so much of my mother.
The sense of entitlement The Spoiled Bully believed she had to my life was so uncannily like my mother in too many ways to count. There was no respect whatsoever for my boundaries. Nothing was off limits, and love was just a word … a formality without any true meaning. What is even worse is that The Spoiled Bully believed herself to be right in her own eyes, and she was a psychology major.
Although I cannot necessarily throw stones at her in judgment, I can say her behavior was not what a Christian should make especially as she professed herself to be. Yet, over the course of time in a few narcissistically empowered churches, I would find many spoiled bullies in the midst who basically created the same type of damage to many people within the congregation all while pretending to be as meek as doves but were as ravenous as demonic wolves.
What I Learned From The Spoiled Bully
I learned a lot about myself. After time around The Spoiled Bully while attending a narcissistically empowered church, I learned a great deal about my weaknesses and strengths. Contrary to the popular belief of others around me, I was not as weak and docile as many perceived me to be. I turned out to be quite strong, courageous, and longsuffering. I also learned that I am a highly intuitive and super sensitive person – hypersensitive even – particularly to the spiritual realm.
There were so many subtleties that I picked up on regarding my surroundings as well as the nuances of the people around me that I often had to leave church immediately when services were over. In the beginning, I supposed that this was the social anxiety I suffered while being in a crowded place, but it always turned out to be a lot more than that. I literally had to decompress from church. My social battery would be completely depleted after two hours.
This particular narcissistically empowered church was absolutely no place for an introverted empath. It was often difficult to contain my energy reserves while there, but I believed at the time that I had a lot of friends. I enjoyed being a part of a community. The only problem was that I was targeted by a person in the congregation I wished that I had originally avoided because at the time that I actually met her (The Spoiled Bully) I instinctively knew that something was off.
Yet, church is supposed to be the place where people go for fellowship, bible study, worship, prayer, and even healing. Instead, I gained more than what I bargained for there. Yet, I had to keep in mind that I was dealing with many dysfunctional humans attempting to function, needless to say. I believed that, just as myself, everyone needed extensions of grace and mercy. Little did I know that I had to lot to learn about how this works when dealing with narcissistic personalities within a narcissistically empowered church.
Goodbyes Should Be For Good When Dealing With Narcissists
I loved The Spoiled Bully as if she were my blood sister, but we were unfortunately connected through trauma bonds of soul ties. The love that I may have had for her was most likely warped by the needs I lacked having fulfilled by my mother or even both parents during my childhood. I say this because just like the lack of love that I encountered from my mother, that same lack of love existed with The Spoiled Bully.
The Spoiled Bully spoke of love in words only, and even when her actions were supposed to mirror love, her actions did not and were only about fulfilling her own agenda. Her love had nothing to do with me. It was not love at all. She just had a lust for power and control over those she deemed as her willing subjects. She wanted blind followers. She wanted flying monkeys. She wanted willing participants in her shenanigans who would never question her or deny her loyalty. She could not find any of these descriptions in me for the long haul. I was simply not willing to put up with her madness.
After I decided I had enough of The Spoiled Bully, I distanced myself from her and within a month’s time, I also left the church. I could no longer take being in such an emotionally damaging environment. It turns out that she was not the only narcissistic behaving character in that church. So it was better for my spiritual, emotional, and psychological care and growth that I leave a toxic environment. Although it was not easy because I had made so many loving connections, I had to do what was best for me and my mental health.
A few times afterwards, I ran into The Spoiled Bully and even had conversations with her that bordered on her idea of reconciliation and going back to the way things were before. Yet, I was not willing to reconciliate because it was obvious to me that she was unchanging in her attitude or behavior. Overtime, contact was lost between us until I had an encounter with her on a shopping excursion. It was a strange occurrence in which I heard my name being called in the store, but I did not respond to it. Then into my path she stepped to the side of me. I could clearly see her in my peripheral view, but I completely ignored her.
Although I heard her talking to me in the store, I never acknowledged her. Something within me could not. It was as if I was frozen solid and could not even force myself to react to her. I suppose when she realized that I was oblivious to her presence, she walked away. There was no sense in talking to someone who lacked providing her with a response. I was literally grey rocking within the moment. What was even stranger to me was the fact that I could “feel” nothing about it. Time simply stood still for a moment while someone I once knew encircled my space without me allowing her to enter into it.
A few years later, The Spoiled Bully reached out to me on social media. Although I briefly chatted with her, as soon as she mentioned getting together for lunch to catch up, I froze again at the thought of it. I was simply unwilling to reopen the door to her. It was apparent to me that she had been waiting for some time to reach out considering the fact that we shared mutual “friends”. It was only after a mutual friend of ours had reached out to me did she reach out to me too. I could not help but think that it was no coincidence.
Despite a long time having passed between us, instinctively I knew The Spoiled Bully had not changed, and I was unwilling to open myself back up again. Her lack of change was confirmed to me via the bulk of her social media postings that I read through just to be sure. I could also see that her continued clique of flying monkeys still rallied around her giving her praise and adoration. Even her having moved on to a different church did not deter me from keeping the door shut to her. I was good. It was over.
After more repeated attempts by The Spoiled Bully to get me to meet up for lunch, she eventually gave up. I had stopped responding. She seemed relentless on ignoring the fact that I even mentioned that my schedule did not permit me enough time for leisure. Later, it was far easier not to respond than to come up with some excuse to continue a dead conversation. I realized that I no longer had the energy in me to ever want to deal with her again. I no longer cared about being guilt-tripped into being the better Christian. I wanted to protect myself. I realized my life was not empty because she was not in it. My life was actually really good.
My Voice Unchained 