A Face-To-Face Encounter With Anger

A Face-To-Face Encounter With Anger

I have had an acquaintance with Anger for much of my life. It has always been there since birth, but I only recall its most tangible presence in my life after a traumatic sexual assault against me when I was a child. It was then that Anger continued to make itself at home with me.

Anger often presented itself to me when it felt that it was needed during other events of traumatic injustice. I would basically fight to make Anger known, but adults did not approve of it. After some intense battles, Anger and I agreed to limiting its time with me in silence because for some reason, I needed to keep it around.

So much of the time that Anger would make itself known, it would present itself as a strengthened rage from a smoldering but burning fire residing somewhere deep within the pits of me. Yet, I did not realize that its strength and power was too overwhelming for me. Anger was so overwhelming that I was often unable to restrain it. It would sometimes leak out in the form of aggression.

For my sake, however, Anger has held itself back from unleashing against me and against others. Those times that it did escape would come as a surprise to me and all who were able to see it. Unfortunately, I would hold the punishment for it, but Anger was a good friend to remain.

Over time, I gained incredible experience in learning to contain Anger although the pressure of its need to be heard has often been extreme. For me, it will mainly keep itself muffled down, but it will lie in wait for any sign of a rumble of injustice. It always wants to make itself known.

When Anger feels aroused by a sudden interest, it will send before it other feelings within my body and mind like irritation, frustration, tightness, burning, resentment, headaches, and shortness of breath. I allow those to come without hesitation as long as Anger remains silent and chooses to subject itself to my thoughts.

Yes, Anger must subject itself to my thoughts to consider before erupting. I dare it to not let itself go because of the extreme damage I fear it has the power to cause – if not to others, then definitely to me. For it stands alone on its own as an uninvited guest or an injured party begging me to have its way. Instead, I choose to silence it and metaphorically relieve it with a bedtime story so that it sleeps for a time without interruption.

However, many times, I find that Anger erupts when I have very little awareness that it is even awake. Sometimes it will arise on my behalf when I should be aware of an injustice against me. Other times, it will hang out around me when someone else is feeling their own anger as an emotion. Then it will station itself beside me as if to speak to me that I share this emotion too.

Anger forces me to realize that I can recognize this emotion in others but not see it so clearly within me because I will often refuse to acknowledge its existence. Yet, there are times when I am forced to realize that Anger is there because it provides a great cover – a great dark shadow – that not only wants to subdue me but also wants me to feel what is really present with me.

A Tangible Encounter

Recently, I had a tangible encounter with Anger. It was comparatively different from all the rest as far as I could remember. Although there had been other tangible moments with Anger, this encounter was considerably different and even a teaching moment for me. This time around, Anger refused to keep silent.

I was running an errand for a friend who has an erratic on-call working schedule. Because of this schedule, we frequently text each other for updates during an errand request which is most often a food drop-off from a restaurant. While in route to my friend’s workplace, I texted to let it be known that I was nearby.

No sooner than I texted, the friend texted back that there had been a change of plans and the food was no longer needed anymore. I thought I was mildly irritated by the inconvenience because of a 30 minute drive on top of a 15 minute wait just to deliver. So I texted back in response that it would have been great to have known this within that 45 minute time period that there was a cancellation.

My friend’s immediate response was “I’m so sorry. It just happened. Gotta go. Talk to you soon!” No sooner than I saw the response, a small flash of light flickered within my brain. Anger had arrived to console me, but I would not allow it. Instead I chose to remain silent, but even in my silence, Anger gripped me and would not let me be. I saw it in the form of a dark shadowy person. It amassed right before me and placed itself right in front of my face like a cover. I drove home in silence.

All the way home, I could not really think, but I was angry. My anger was big. I can only describe it with child-like significance. I was big mad. I was mad mad. I drove without thinking while a light continued to flicker brightly within my brain. I do not even know how I managed to make it home, but the presence of Anger was cast before me like a dark net with grains of dark matter scattered in front of me. It reminded me much like the picture above … that I chose for this blog post.

Once I arrived home and exited my car, I knew I was angry. Anger would not leave me but instead beckoned me to deal with it. I walked to my room and tried to ignore it, but it would not let me be. I tried to sit with Anger to wait for it to dissipate as is usually the case, but it would not subside. Anger refused me. It wanted to be addressed right away. Yet, I distracted myself and tried to find something to do. So I decided to clean.

As I put away dishes and other items away in the kitchen, I saw the dark matter of Anger follow me. It stayed before my face refusing to let go of me. “Release it!” it seemed to beckon me, “Let go!” Before I realized it, I took my favorite food cutting knife and stabbed it into the cutting board. I exerted such force with the knife that the knife became stuck. Anger quietly said, “Yes, that’s it. Now let go.” I had to admit, the release of the knife into the board felt almost justified in that moment.

I flinched for a moment and saw before me a huge dark mass of matter in the form of a person. It was Anger. We were face to face. Anger was so tangible that I could reach out and touch it. Instead, I backed away and tried to run from it, but in that moment, it lightly tapped my elbow and said, “It is time. It is time to face the real part of me.”

In that moment, I felt saddened that I had aggressively stabbed my cutting board. I was thankful that it was not a person. I felt remorseful that I had become so angry because it all felt so out of proportion to the situation. My friend’s schedule was erratic, and change had happened many times before. Why this time had I become so filled with anger or even rage? That is when Anger summoned me to sit with it, listen to it, and think.

Once I sat down, Anger took a step back and introduced me to Sadness. Sadness literally illuminated itself as it joined itself with Anger. They both stood before me, “You need to cry. You need to let go. It’s time. You’ve been running from us, but from Sadness especially. It’s time to let go of your grip on us and let us flow.” I marveled at how Sadness appeared as an invisible form flickering with specks of brightness that I did not comprehend.

In that moment, I realized that Anger needed to erupt so that Sadness could follow. For so long, I had been hindering their flow and blocking their purpose within me. They both seemed to sit on the sides of me as I broke down and cried in their presence. I did not just cry, however, I bewailed and sobbed for what seemed like a very long time. I felt great anguish and sadness at the same time. It was then that I realized that the specks of brightness from Sadness were my tears. Sadness was literally holding my tears!

“You have been so disappointed in this life. It’s time to let yourself feel these disappointments and release them,” Anger and Sadness seemed to say. Then just like that, Anger left me. As strange as this may sound, I actually felt its impression get up from sitting next to me. Then it stood before me so that I could see it again. Anger appeared before me as millions of dark sands … tiny particles of matter loosely flowing together. It somewhat reminded me of the blanket of jet black depression that I have seen and felt tangibly grip me, but it was not foreboding [if that even makes sense].

Anger left me alone with Sadness so that I could cry. It left me alone to grieve a thousand disappointments that seemed to flash before my mind like pictures on a movie screen. It seemed to silently whisper to me that it was okay to release them all … that it was okay to have it as an expressed emotion … that it was a normal part of me. Then just like that, I marveled at its sudden flash of disappearance.

I do not know where Anger went at that point, but it left me alone with Sadness, and I felt good to release it. Anger did not want to be aggressive, and it did not want to be bitter. It simply wanted me to acknowledge it and to feel it. It wanted me to realize that it was okay for it to be a part of me as a very tangible emotion in response to an injustice – from the smallest to the greatest. Anger need not be muffled, but it certainly needed to be experienced and felt.

After Sadness subsided, I felt a great release. It left me too. I pondered into the night about the experience. All this time, Anger needed me to express it. It did not want to become explosive. It allowed me to see the danger it could cause if I continued to contain it without expression. Even though I stabbed a cutting board, I realized how easy it could be to lose control and take my anger out on someone else in the form of aggression. I do not want that at all.

Upon going to sleep, I immediately recalled a scriptural verse from Ephesians 4:26-27 which says “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” It was then that I realized that all the times that Anger had beckoned me to deal with it was so that I would not allow so much time to pass to the point that I might aggressively use it against others.

It is okay to be angry. Anger is an emotion that signals when something is wrong. Anger can be extremely helpful but if not handled with caution, and as soon as it arises, it can become harder to manage and contain from erupting into something more explosive like rage. Only when the anger is allowed to pulsate within the body can it lead to bringing pain to others, and that is not what I want.

Anger, in fact, only has the potential to destroy others and myself if I allow it to fester into unresolved resentments and bitterness. I know all too well the entrapments that resentment and bitterness can bring. Resentment and bitterness both bring damage and darkness to the soul and spirit. Thus, more than harming others, allowing Anger to fester within me against its will and desire for me can actually bring damaging harm to me – destroying me from the inside out while also leaking out onto others and destroying them too.