***The following post mentions suicide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. You can also call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Pain: College Freshman Year – Section D
I was not going to have time. I was not going to have time to swallow the 50 plus pills contained in my hand before the key unlocking my room door gave way to the person on the other side. I was not going to have time to make up an excuse. I was not going to have time to hide … to turn off my light, jump into bed, and pretend to be asleep. I was still waiting on the phone for the crisis counselor to take me off hold.
A huge blanket of shame and fear covered me, and I felt panicked on the inside. What was I going to do? My secret would be out, and I would not be able to escape. I instantly placed the wad of pills on my bed and tried to quickly cover them with my bedspread. I instantly regretted this move as some of the pills fell to the floor. The key in the lock turned, and I could hear the door coming ajar.
Within that moment, the young man that I had been holding for had come back on the phone. He apologized for making me wait. While attempting to listen to him, the dorm mother sauntered into my room from the hallway. She had a key. Although relieved to see her, part of me wished that it was one of the dorm reps instead. I knew instinctively that the dorm mother was there to check on me. I knew the true reason for her visit.
The dorm mother hardly ever checked on me. The last time I remember her doing so was during the first two weeks of school. She usually sat back and chilled while allowing the dorm reps to do all of the checking, but she was the mature adult in charge. So I figured she had somehow been made aware that something was wrong. (I would find out later that this was true.)
The young man (crisis counselor) on the phone revealed to me that he had called around to get me help and asked if I was okay. I alerted him to the fact that the dorm mother was now present with me. Despite knowing that he was doing his job, I felt betrayal. My mind had been right. He had been up to something while keeping me on hold. He was trying to save my life, and if I could thank him now, I most certainly would, but in that moment, I felt betrayal. The ‘secret’ between us was no longer a secret.
Strangely, he must have been aware of my feelings of betrayal because he quickly apologized for keeping me on hold so long and then seemed to sheepishly say that he just wanted to make sure that I would be okay. He said that he was fine with me being angry with him for the rest of my life just as long as I had the rest of my life to be angry. I was actually taken aback by this statement and never forgot it. In the background of my room, I heard the dorm mother speak something on the walkie talkie she carried, and I was nestled back into my reality.
Now that the dorm mother was in my room, I thanked the crisis counselor for his help. I felt a wave of embarrassment rush all over me as I hung up the phone and turned to look at the dorm mother. If I had attempted to end my life back at home, I would have been punished, shamed, ridiculed, and yelled at.
This act of self-deletion would have been immediately seen as a great act of my defiance of against my parents, but mainly they would have been ashamed of me for bringing them more public humiliation. There was no way I wanted them to find out about this. I panicked. I had already subjected them through enough even though it was all no fault of my own.
I expected the dorm mother to react in the same way my parents would have if they had been present, but within her eyes I could see compassion, and I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion. She moved towards me. She glanced at my bed. She could see some of the pills, and in seeing them, she was led to uncover the rest. She took a deep sorrowful sigh, and looked at me with all the compassion I could only remember ever receiving from the librarian back at my high school. I stifled my desire to cry.
The dorm mother moved in to hug me, but just before she could, there was a knock at the door. It was campus police. Two campus officers, with whom I was very familiar from seeing around the campus, stepped inside of the room. They said they wanted to make sure that everything was okay. The dorm mother assured them that I was fine and that she would be handling things from that point.
One of the campus officers looked at me and said, “I have a daughter, and my heart dropped when I received the call that a young lady on campus was contemplating suicide. I’m going to reach out to my daughter now. I hope you’re going to be okay, young lady. It just wouldn’t be the same without seeing your face on campus.” He faintly smiled, and I tried to smile back, but I was hurting badly and fighting back tears.
The dorm mother thanked both officers, and they somberly walked out of the room. I did not know what to do. I was so overwhelmed. The dorm mother sensed my agony and put her arms around me to comfort me, but I was resistant, and I did not know the reason. I immediately felt a sense that I needed to put on a strong face and not show my weakness. Inside I wanted to run and hide, but inwardly, I needed that hug. Why was I fighting against it?
I told the dorm mother that I would be fine, but she resisted my attempts to be strong. She told me to gather some clothing … that I was going to spend the night with her, but she was first obligated to get me to the campus infirmary. She said that my suicide attempt had to be reported to the campus infirmary nurses because she was mandated by the state to do so. She wanted to make sure that I would get the proper help.
So after getting some items together, the dorm mother and I embarked on a walk to the campus infirmary. Just when I thought my nighttime journey of pain would end, it was only just beginning. Fury was on its way.
Stay tuned for what happened next.
My Voice Unchained 