***The following post mentions suicide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. You can also call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
The Fury Begins: College Freshman Year – Section G
When the dorm mother and I arrived to the cafeteria, there were very few people in line for breakfast. This gave me a bit of relief. No one stared at me. I figured that maybe no one knew, and I felt a small semblance of assurance that it might stay that way.
Once the dorm mother and I sat down, my newfound friend of a week spotted me and came to sit down next to me. “Girl, I called your room and learned that you had already left for breakfast,” she said. She did not appear to know anything. I searched her face for clues. Then I wondered who had told her that I had already left for breakfast.
“Your suitemates told me that you were gone already and that they didn’t appreciate me pounding on their door. Grrr … those girls!” expressed my newfound friend. She did not like my suitemates mainly because she did not like my former roommate.
“I heard something went down last night in our dorm. Did you hear? A girl on the first floor tried to kill herself. I’m not sure how though.” I had been found out. What had started off as casual small talk had become immediate gossip with me as the subject.
My newfound friend had heard some rumors about a commotion on the first floor in the early hours of the morning … that police were in our dorm. Then later on, she learned that one of the dorm reps had heard that someone was suicidal in our dorm from her walkie talkie. News sure did travel fast!
My secret was definitely out. My heart dropped, and my reaction must have been noticeable to the dorm mother because she quickly interjected her thoughts, but I do not even remember what she said to clear the air. I knew that I just felt panicky inside of myself.
I will never forget my newfound friend’s words in that moment, and even more, I will never forget the feeling I had within me when I heard her say them. I felt a mixture of shame and anger shower over me. It felt as if thistles were sticking me all over my body.
My newfound friend said, “Who would want to kill themselves, and why would they want to do it in their room? To think … if their roommate or suitemates found them. That’s just selfish. People have a lot to live for and aren’t even thankful!”
I did not want to look at my newfound friend even though I knew she was trying to figure out what was wrong. How does one explain not wanting to live when the response is always “but you have a lot to live for”? Did people really even know what I had to live for or even what I had already lived through?
As the cafeteria began to fill with people, I remember feeling an odd silence that seemed to permeate throughout the area in small pockets. I felt as if I was on display and being watched. My heard pounded loudly … so loudly, I thought that others could hear it.
The dorm mother assured me that no one would bother me, and I wondered how she could be so sure of that. I met the eyes of different people all around the cafeteria as I stared at them. There were those who either looked at me with genuine concern, tried not to look at me at all, or looked at me with disdain.
Yet, maybe, I figured, that was all my perception. Maybe many people did not know. At least, this is what I had hoped for in terms of my sake.
The Fury Begins
The young woman that I had met at the infirmary came and sat down at the table with us, and two other girls accompanied her. I secretly knew without the young woman saying anything that she was giving me a show of support. We had never eaten together before.
When I turned to catch the eye of my newfound friend, I could see the wheels of her mind turning within her by the look in her eyes as she looked from me to the dorm mother in a puzzling way. No one else at the table mentioned the elephant that was surely sitting at the table with us, but its weight was very heavy. If I did not already feel a sense of shame, I would have addressed the elephant myself.
It was clear to me that I would need to address my newfound friend and tell her before any rumors spread. As the cafeteria proceeded to fill itself with students, everyone from my table began standing up because we were done with breakfast.
The young woman from the infirmary that I had just met hours before must have seen the look of trepidation on my face. She offered to throw away the contents of my food tray. I kindly obliged, but what I really wanted to do was run.
The fury begins …
My Voice Unchained 