I Tell Myself To Keep Moving Forward

And So I Tell Myself

I tell myself a lot of things like, “It will get better” because it will or “Things won’t always be this way” because they will not. Of course, that is my way of keeping myself going when I do not feel like going at all. In fact, that is the way I have been feeling for a long time … as if I can no longer keep myself going. Sometimes I do not even want to keep myself going.

Do not think that I am on some gloom and doom mode here. I am not. It is just the life I am living. Everything does not always come up smelling like roses – at least not in my life. There actually seems to be a lot of thorns and unfamiliar scents not akin to roses. But what is beauty without pain, right? How can I get through this life without some thorns? How can I know that I am down without those ups, right?

Anyway, I talk to myself a lot. I am my best friend. So I try to put myself in the right mindset. I do not know if it is the growth mindset that is always talked about in different circles, but I try to make it a positive mindset. I have to or things can get really depressing for me. Just being real here, but I am not always an optimist. I am not always a pessimist either. BUT I am a realist.

I see things as they are, and that is something that life has taught me. It is what it is until I find my way to change it if change is even possible. (So much for those who do not like that saying of “it is what it is”, but I am looking at my reality here. If there are better words to use to describe what I am talking about, I hope to find those soon, but for now, this is what I am giving because it is what it is.)

Of course, circumstances change too. Those things are often beyond my control, but I am talking about the day-to-day humdrums of my life that I can control even though things most often feel out of my control. And when things feel out of my control, I feel like that sensation of a whirlwind within me brings me to those dreaded meltdowns I hate. I have had a lot of those as of late … like there is a lot of fuel within me waiting for a match to strike and light the flames blowing me to smithereens.

I have often heard these meltdowns referred to as burnouts, autistic burnouts, or even mental breakdowns. I feel them coming on when things seem beyond me. Now that I am becoming more of a balanced person in terms of healing from trauma and narcissistic abuse, I feel myself having more meltdowns than what feels normal, and I do not know why this is. I wonder if it is because there is just so much toxic behavior from others that I am not longer willing to put up with and take. I do not know.

Storytime Before Moving Forward

I think about an event earlier in the week with an IRS agent. I will just refer to her as Ms. IRS Lady. Surely she is not representative of all IRS agents. Maybe I caught her on a bad day, but I gathered from her reaction and responses to me that she is more than likely who she is, and I just had to deal with it. She seemed rather narcissistic, and if she is not truly narcissistic, she was just plain rude and mean for me never to have had an encounter with this lady in all my life.

But Ms. IRS Lady’s immediate negative attitude towards me triggered me, and I felt myself spiraling for the rest of a day into a meltdown. When additional demands later in that day were piled upon me by others, I felt myself losing my cool. I wanted to go off. I wanted to blow up, but I desperately tried to contain it. I did not want to lose my cool with people, and I did not want to project my stuff onto anybody else. I always hate when that happens to me. It is just no way to maturely behave.

That meltdown I wanted to have was the type of response that I want to only apply to the old me. Why does that old me keep peering its head out into the world here? It supposed to be cast down … like a dying to my old self, but it still remains as if waiting to champ or chomp on the bit. That is when I have to tell myself it is all a process, but is it really? Or is that just who I am?

Anyways, all I wanted was an answer to a simple question, and no one seemed to be able to help me. I talked to five different people, and 1/5 of them gave me the type of responses that I would only expect to hear from a narcissist. For whatever reason, it is in those times that I encounter a would-be-possible narcissist that I find myself wanting to go into a meltdown. I clearly saw that for what it was in that moment and I reflected upon the entire situation for a few days.

Needless to say, the other agents were not helpful at all, but they tried to be, and they even allowed me to explain myself in that longwinded autistic way that I have about me – wanting to make sure that the listener hears every detail so they know what the problem is and can come to a useful solution. Looking back, I just needed someone to hear me. I had already come to the conclusion of the end result based on the responses I received, but I still needed to be heard in the process. Was anyone really listening?

The first person was nice but could not help me. The second person listened and then referred me to the next person who specialized in my field of questions. The third person helped me tremendously, but then the line went dead and we were disconnected. Too bad I did not remember the agent’s number or I might have been able to request them again. The fourth time around, I got Ms. IRS Lady, and at first, she came across as nice. The fifth person was extremely kind to me even though not helpful at all.

But almost immediately upon talking to Ms. IRS Lady, there were red flags. Right into my partial explanation, she interrupted me mid-sentence before I could even explain much of anything. It was as if she seemed to already know the answers. So she quibbled them out one by one, but none of them applied to my questions. So I tried to finish, but there she went again blasting off things as if to keep me from talking to the point that she was even talking over me.

Then just like that, she began criticizing me for my tax form process when I tried to explain an error on the IRS website which the site even stated could be a possible problem. Instead of referring me to the proper person, one of whom had actually been trying to solve the problem from a previous dropped call, she lit into me about my inadequacies as a tax payer.

She was not even subtle about it. She was downright, arrogantly condescending. My head spun as I tried to figure out why she was talking to me in that way. For some reason, I went into defense mode trying to explain myself as if to make her understand the issue. My mind chattered silently in the background, “Where have you heard this kind of talking done before? Remember when? I know it’s been a while.”

As the conversation continued with Ms. IRS Lady, I could hear her voice elevate, and as is often the case when I respond to others, I will mirror them too. My voice also rose in volume to compliment hers. I was not arguing. I was just louder. I wanted her to hear me just like she wanted me to make sure I heard her.

Yet, Ms. IRS Lady turned it all around and projected her entire demeanor and reactions onto me and told me that I was screaming at her. Suddenly, she became a victim of my reflection of her behavior back onto her. Despite my giving her the nearly identical energy she was giving me, she did not like it at all. She told me I need to calm down even though did feel calm. Can I really help it if I unconsciously or even subconsciously mirror behaviors back?

My mind and I both questioned Ms. IRS Lady’s responses at the same time but audibly, “Wait, what? Lady, you are screaming at me. Your voice elevated first. Not to mention the fact that you are also are talking down to me like I’m stupid or something.” But by then, she was in a full-blown mode of gaslighting me, and basically referring to me as dumb by pointing out how inept I and others like me were at filing taxes when there was absolutely nothing I had mentioned about my tax forms.

And just like that, it was then that I felt a familiar sensation rise up from within the pit of my being – my gut – the place where my discernment, inner power, and emotions reside that I realized I was under attack, and I could feel myself take a seat and sit down within me. This is something I mentally do within myself to take a breather to ponder a situation and look at it from all angles.

My mind began talking to me. “Let’s analyze this! What’s going on here? Look, listen, but don’t reply. See this for what it is so you can move forward, AND YOU DEFINITELY KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!!!” I had to literally stop myself from inserting myself into the conversation with Ms. IRS Lady anymore. “Do you see what’s going on? Do you realize what you are hearing?” my mind prodded. “She’s talking in a circular haze of projections and gaslighting attacks. Sit still, and take it all in to listen and discern and then let it bounce right off of you. DO. NOT. REACT. WAIT!”

So I waited, and tried to pull in that tug I felt that wanted to go to war with whatever it was that leapt out at me through the phone. On a spiritual realm level, I felt “it” come through the phone at me as if it was egging me on for a battle. It wanted me to go back and forth with it, but it also wanted to silence me. It wanted me to be “another one bites the dust”, but I refrained from silence. I chose to speak up, instead. My mind took note and said, “Be calm. Please be calm.”

My Voice Unchained …

Me: What is your name?

Ms. IRS Lady halted for a millisecond, and just like that, something in the atmosphere of the conversation changed. I noticed it almost immediately. I had caught her off guard by asking her name even though she had told me at the beginning of the call.

As much as I wanted to retaliate and give Ms. IRS Lady a piece of my mind, I held back. I didn’t necessarily bite my tongue, but I tamed its heat and gave it a different set of words to speak.

The lady: Ms IRS Lady.

Me: What is your first name?

The lady: I don’t give out my first name for personal reasons.

Me: This isn’t personal. It’s business, and I need your first name for business reasons. It’s your job and public duty.

The lady: (hesitating as if caught off guard) We are not allowed to give out our first names.

My mind immediately called BS! I had already pulled up a list of IRS agent requirements on the internet. She was lying.

Me: The last three people told me their first and last names with no problem, but okay, Ms Lady. What is your agent ID number?

The lady: (clears throat)

I took note of how much calmer she had become and was becoming. Without realizing it at the time, I was calling her to accountability. Requesting not only her name but her agent ID number would identify her whether or not she gave me her first name.

Ms. IRS Lady rattled off her numbers but not clearly. So I asked for her to repeat them. She did, and then I repeated them back to her for clarification. Then I thanked her for her time and wished her a good day. I did not continue the conversation. I did not seek to get any clarifications to questions she had never answered from the beginning. Instead, I cut off conversation and hung up the phone.

I took no further action beyond taking down her name and ID number. I did not want to because I had already wasted nearly two hours on the phone with more wait-time on hold than actually talking to people. Complaining about Ms. IRS Lady’s behavior would only serve a purpose of revenge because I would have to be really desperate to talk to someone while waiting another 10 minutes to an hour to do so.

Yet, taking down her name and ID number gave us both a time of disconnection from the situation. I gathered that it was not worth my time to pursue the matter further. It was worth more to realize that I had grown just a little bit … handling that situation better than I would have in a distant but maybe closer past as opposed to ripping that lady a new one through the phone just to blow off steam with her in a circular, crazy kind of way.

But after that phone call, I realized how unsettled I was … like I might have a meltdown. Then I realized just how narcissistic behaviors are triggering for me. I do know narcissistic traits when I am around them. Ms. IRS Lady exhibited full-blown narcissistic traits all over my explanations and questions. To her defense, even though there is no defense to behave in such a negative way when doing her job when I was not being rude to her or behaving negatively towards her, I wondered what caused her to be the way she was towards me.

Had she had a fight with someone? Was she having a bad day? Were too many taxpayers calling in asking similar questions or just questions in general? Was she unhappy with life? Was she battered? But then I had to stop myself from gaslighting myself. Surely, I can put myself in the shoes of others and empathize, but why empathize with bad behavior when nothing changes them?

I took myself out of her shoes and immediately thought of my own shoes. I do not think it ever once occurred to her that she was being rude and completely disrespectful to me. I do not even believe she cared, and if she did care, it was only because she cared about what I might do with her information once I took it down. In the end, she only cared about herself – not her job in assisting me with a problem and certainly not my problem.

Keep Moving Forward

Later on during that day, I had a meltdown. I wanted to cry. I looked back upon that episode with Ms. IRS Lady and realized that narcissistic behaviors trigger me even when I do not readily take note that that behaviors coming at me are narcissistic. It was certainly not the phone conversation I was attempting to have, and if I had done something or said something negative to her, I would have readily apologized to her.

I had even pondered over my behavior to discern what may have caused her to respond to me in the way that she did, but she was that way with me from the start. Needless to say, narcissistic behaviors are my trigger, and I could have easily had a meltdown with her while on the phone because I could feel myself wanting to go there. I could feel myself wanting to unleash and vent my frustrations to her about not listening to me. That would have only escalated her circular conversation making me feel worse. I am so glad that I opted for silence and a change of conversational direction.

All I can do now as with anything is to move forward. That is always the best thing to do … move forward. Move in a direction away from toxic behavior. Move in a direction that keeps me free and in peace. Move in a direction that silences the noise and chaos. Move in a direction that keeps me in tune and in step with the journey of healing that I want to continue taking. I have so much more growing to do. I can clearly see that, but I handled myself a lot better than I might have in the past.

P.S. …

Dear Ms. IRS Lady, if by chance you happen upon my blog and read this post, maybe you need to try something that keeps you moving forward in a positive direction. Projecting and gaslighting is not it, girl. Try again … and again for the sake of correcting yourself, but do better. Maybe your job is not the profession for you, or maybe that is why you chose it so you could inflict abuse upon others. I do not know. But just keep in mind, a badge number keeps you accountable. Just saying …