Be Calm, My Heart

My Heart

It all happened so suddenly, without any warning that I can recall. I had a string of tiny bumps that appeared across my chest out of nowhere. My first assumption was that I had an allergic reaction to something. The day before, I had used a new lotion emollient on my skin. So I figured that this had caused the tiny bumps.

After stopping use of the product, I waited for those tiny bumps to disappear. Slowly, they began to dissolve, and I thought nothing else about them except for the marked way in which they were scattered across my chest in different patch-like areas.

At least a week or two later, the tiny bumps reappeared along with something else more alarming. I saw my heart pounding through my neck. I recall only one other time seeing this happen, but it was only slightly. I reasoned to myself that the pulsation just happened to be the location for my pulse.

Yet, the most recent pounding was different. It was as if my actual heart had relocated itself inside of my throat on one side of my neck. My heart beat so heavily and profusely that there was no denying the existence of this phenomenon.

I immediately attached the tiny bumps to the pounding beat within my neck. I assumed I was having an allergic reaction. It was all so unsettling – mostly because I could see what was happening. Although I didn’t believe I was having a heart attack, I did feel a sudden grip of fear.

It was a different type of fear that I had never felt before. The fear was not even the same as panic attacks I’ve had before either. The fear was just different. It was as if a totally different arena of fear had been opened to me. For the first time, I felt an overwhelming fear of no longer existing.

As sad as I’d been feeling lately, I knew that I didn’t want to really die when I have only begun to realize my desire to truly live. Yet, there I was seeing elements of my life bleatingly flash before me, and I didn’t have any control over stopping the view. I felt overwhelmed and very panicky. Then I cried.

I took a Benadryl as a remedy and googled my symptoms. The pounding heart could have amounted to a host of things. I chalked it all up to stress and pressure. I’ve been feeling very down as of late. So I figured my emotions were getting the best of me. I needed relief from a frail mental state. So I went to bed.

The very next day, I felt more calm. The pounding heart was gone. It’s entirely possible that life stresses have gotten the best of me. It’s also very possible it could be something serious. I am now at an age where there are many things for me to consider. There are a lot of people I know in my age bracket dying around me, and death has been a serious topic for me to consider.

Although I do not feel a dark ominous presence around me that signifies an impending death, I still need to consider the state of my health. I do have arrhythmia, or an irregular heartbeat. My heart actually flutters from time to time. I can often feel the fluttering, particularly when I am still or at rest. I am not always so sure what triggers the fluttering, but sometimes the fluttering can ramp up when I least expect it.

Usually when I have a checkup or physical, a doctor might mention that my heart skips a beat as if they are surprised when they hear my heart flutter. “Did you know that you have heart palpitations?” “Yes” is what I always tell them, but a doctor is always equally surprised when I nonchalantly reply as if my heart skipping beats is completely normal. For me, though, it is normal. It’s always been normal.

This most recent fluttering, however, was not a flutter at all. It was a pounding often termed as a bounding heart. It was a literal beating of my heart that seemed to resonate loudly through my neck, and it was a frightening experience. It caused me to take a step back from everything, including my blog and other activities for a few weeks until I felt normal again.

My pounding heart also caused me to take stock of my life. I have so much more left to do, but evermore I recognize that life is truly fleeting, and I can leave this world at any time. Another day is not a promise to me even though I live as if I assume that it is a promise. I must always be prepared not to be here, and to be honest, I had to reconsider my preparations for death.

I have been more than slack. I have been living as if waking up each day is just happenstance. Although my heart is calm for now, it is likely suffering from the exhaustion of a psychologically traumatic way of living. Having been around narcissistic individuals much of my life has taken a great toll upon me emotionally and physically. Although I have separated myself from these types of people for the most part, a lot of damage has already affected me.

Of course, I cannot blame everything on narcissistic people, and I do take accountability for the ways in which I have chosen to live my life that haven’t been so great as a result. Yet, it has taken me quite a number of years to untangle myself from toxic situations and environments. Although there are still some sticky situations, I am relatively free of actual narcissists.

Now that I can take somewhat of a breather, my life seems to be breaking down in other ways. It’s as if all of my past has finally caught up with me now that I have detached myself from people and things I perceived as problems. In the end, though, maybe I have been more the problem in my own way, and I’m still working that out. I just pray my heart can be calm enough to deal with the next phase.

Be calm, my heart. Please keep beating, and keep calm.