The environment within my last workplace was extremely toxic. Although I loved what I did in terms of my career, I hated that the environment was filled with so much toxicity. There was continuous drama, and colleagues that I believed that I could trust turned out to be not trustworthy at all.
The people that I did forge working bonds with only lasted as long as their presence was in the environment, and that wasn’t long at all. A toxic environment almost always has a high rate of employee turnover. In fact, the toxicity within the working environment was so overwhelming that many colleagues were pushed to their limits and moved on elsewhere without saying ‘goodbye’.
Yet, I remained at my place of employment for a long time because I believed myself to be on an assignment bestowed to me by God. At the time, I felt what I did was my life’s purpose. So putting up with a toxic environment was something I thought I had to do. Now, of course, I know better.
Indirect and Passive Aggressive Insults
One of the most difficult situations to deal with was having a colleague who indirectly and passively aggressively insulted me but made “nice” in front of others as if they hadn’t just been rude to me or as if I didn’t have a clue their insults were for me. I always knew, and I didn’t have to necessarily discern that anything was off. Most often, a colleague would make their insults obvious even if indirect.
I think in terms of one colleague in particular. We worked together as a part of a triad team, except it wasn’t much of a team. It was more like two against one or them against me regarding everything involving our work. I was always the third wheel left out no matter how much value I believe I brought to our work together.
It was only after I confronted the two colleagues did it become apparent that their negative behaviors towards me were actually intentional. As much as they claimed to everyone else that they ‘loved’ me, they did not clearly even seem to like me. They worked a lot of madness behind my back, always trying to sabotage my work and my efforts to do a good job.
Although both colleagues behaved in narcissistic ways, one of the two colleagues had a major problem with outright passive aggression against me. Their insults against me were passively said behind my back or within an “earshot” of me overhearing their conversation. They frequently took moments within the office to air their grievances against me in a public but indirect way.
Since there were only three of us working in a small pod of offices, all conversations could be heard by each of us unless we closed our office doors. The particular colleague who loved to openly complain about me without directly stating their complaints to me would intentionally keep their door open so I’d be sure to hear their rants. Sometimes I’d shut my door for peace and quiet.
They had a habit of having loud conversations across the office area all the time, as if to blurt out loud whatever they were thinking upon their mind. I found this a rather lazy and annoying way of having conversations without getting up to physically talk to the other colleague and me. I would frequently keep my door either slightly ajar or closed depending on the colleague’s loudness.
After a while, the loud open-door conversations became a way for this colleague to indirectly and passive aggressively get their point across about the things they didn’t like about me without talking to me directly or mentioning me by name. I always knew when I was the topic. Based on the descriptions this colleague gave about particular situations, it wasn’t hard to figure it out.
I often pondered if they were dumb to think I didn’t know or played dumb because they didn’t care if I did know. Comments such as, “I never allow for this to happen when I’m doing my job,” or “I have full credentials to attend to this area of work” were often said to no one in particular even though there were only three of us in the office pod area. These types of passive aggressive remarks always felt like a verbal attack against me. I always knew they were directed towards me and never the other colleague.
On a professional note, this colleague reacted towards me as if I didn’t deserve to have my position based on what they perceived of my qualifications. When they found out I received my master’s from the same school as them, then there was critique regarding my academic abilities. When they learned that I was in a more challenging graduate program area than them, then they critiqued me on my work area abilities.
This colleague always gave me the sense that I was less than them or beneath them. They frequently took the opportunity to make this known in an indirect and passive aggressive way instead of talking to me directly. I was baffled by this because they never treated the other colleague in this way. Conversations with that colleague were never passive aggressive or indirect in nature. In fact, the two of them behaved as if they were close friends.
Getting To The Insult
One day when this colleague confided in me (while I was standing in the doorway of their office) that colleagues from their previous place of employment didn’t seem to like them, I decided to use that opportunity to segue into their indirect and passive aggressive insults against me.
The colleague: I never understood why my former colleagues didn’t like me. I think they were jealous of me. I had privileges they didn’t. They seemed to hate that I was good at my job. I don’t think they liked that about me because they’d been there so long, and I came along and changed things.
Although I knew this colleague was indirectly stating that I may have been jealous of them, this was not at all the case. I could have cared less. The two colleagues and me were all new to our positions at the time, and we were all learning. So, I didn’t have time to focus on either of them to the extent that I cared about competition.
By nature, I’m not a competitive person. Plus, our assigned duties were supposedly about working together for a common goal. We each had a part to play, and I was much too busy learning and doing my part.
Me: Maybe they weren’t jealous at all. Maybe you didn’t give them the chance to like you.
The colleague: What do you mean? Give them a chance? They didn’t take the chance. I was my nice usual self like I am now.
My mind was rolling it’s eyes while I just stared at the colleague and listened to them.
The colleague: I was always respectful. They were the ones who had a problem with me. They hated that the supervisor liked me and preferred dealing with me over them. They hated that I was always chosen for special assignments. They’d complain to me and say things like, “You think you’re better than us” when I didn’t think that at all.
Me: Did you ever talk to them about this? That would have been a sure way to find out.
The colleague: No. That was their problem – not mine.
Me: I have to wonder if you gave them a chance to like you. I like your personality, but sometimes I feel that it’s hard to want to like you when I am always a target of your passive aggressive comments.
There was silence. The colleague gave me an uncomfortable but incredulous stare. I could sense their confusion. I could see their eyes and facial expression forming the question, “WHAT?!!?” So I continued on with my explanation.
Me: I get the impression that you don’t think I’m good enough for this job. I often hear your comments about how you don’t do the things that someone else in this office does and that you have more experience than someone else in this office does.
I continued.
Me: Well, there’s only three of us here, and we both know you aren’t talking about [name of other colleague] since they are the most experienced in this position among the three of us. So, I can only assume you are referring to me.
The colleague had a look of concern that quickly turned into a look of defensiveness.
Me: Maybe you don’t realize it or maybe you do, but your passive aggressive remarks are a clear sign you wish to address an issue you have with me. I wish you felt comfortable enough to do so with me instead of indirectly addressing me as if I’m not even here. I can only imagine that if you passively aggressively made comments this way with your former colleagues, then I can understand why they may not have liked you. Maybe they did like you in the beginning, but passive aggressive insults may have wore them down over time making them resentful. Such remarks are very hurtful. I don’t know if you realize that.
The colleague had a blank stare for a moment as they appeared to search for words that wouldn’t make them stammer. Instead of responding, however, their face turned several shades of flushed embarrassment. I thought they might cry. I had addressed an issue head-on, and I had done so in a way that didn’t require me to raise my voice or behave in a negative way. I addressed their query by tackling their indirect and passive aggressive behaviors.
Unfortunately for the colleague, the other colleague was in the next office and overheard our conversation. Although I didn’t set out to address them in such a public manner or set out to purposefully hurt their feelings, I felt that their passive aggression on an almost daily basis against me had affected me dearly. I wanted the issue to stop. I wanted some peace, and this conversation was going to either ensure that I regained peace or lost it as a result of retaliation.
The colleague behaved as if I had stung them something terrible, and they profusely apologized to me to the point of tears. I never actually saw any tears, but their eyes were red enough that tears seemed to have been in the process of forming. Nevertheless, I addressed their indirect passive aggression and felt such relief. After that, I never had problems with that particular colleague again in terms of those types of conversations.
Although there was a little awkwardness going forth from this conversation, this colleague was careful to never make indirect and passive aggressive insults against me in my presence. In fact, they seemed to go out of their way to make sure they didn’t say anything that might be interpreted the wrong way. I can’t say it was different for the other colleague, however. Six months after that conversation, though, I resigned my position. Within a toxic environment, some things and people were just never going to change.
My Voice Unchained 