The PGN
It was a stroke of misfortune that triggered my thought patterns and memory of a past I’ve sorted through time and again. If it had not been for an allergic reaction to prescribed medication, I would not have peace about a mystery I supposed would be left unsolved regarding a narcissist I refer to as the Professional Gaslighting Narcissist (PGN).
Back when the PGN and I were colleagues, I also erroneously believed we were friends. Well, I lived and learned to never mix business with some friendships. On so many levels this was a big mistake on my part, but I am so grateful I survived to tell about it.
There were many red flags showing me that things were off with the PGN, but I wished those red flags away. I hoped that the PGN would change. I reasoned that maybe they had issues to deal with, and I would willingly be patient. No, no, and no!
The PGN did not change. Despite their many issues, my patience would not have made any difference. I was better off not entangling myself with this person. I spent many moments wishing why our paths had crossed and connected. I reasoned that it had simply been a part my life’s plan. The PGN is a narcissist, and for whatever reason, my life, at that time seemed to tragically exist to be filled with narcissistic types and all their many associates.
The PGN did nothing but wreak havoc upon my life. They set out to kill, steal, and destroy. They set out to steal my essence as their own, destroy many elements of my life, and literally kill me by poisoning my food with a substance that triggered me into a severe allergic reaction. It was almost as if by design that the PGN had entered my life. I remember the day we met. They were sent to observe me on the job like somewhat as an understudy.
The PGN was especially kind to me at first. Although I was kind in return, I wasn’t looking to necessarily make a friend. Like many other narcissists I’d encountered, the PGN was persistent. Before long, we had built a rapport, and I considered them to be a friend even though there were subtle red flags waving before me.
I should have never ignored and wished away those red flags. There were so many, starting with that huge arrogant mean streak of a chip on the PGN’s shoulders. The PGN had the nastiest disposition That disposition emanated from their eyes. They could cast a glance so strikingly wicked that I’d often do a double take to make sure I was seeing that black-eyed glance of evil in real time.
The PGN often stared right through me with eyes of hatred as if to stare into my soul. They’d often mumble ugly words about me in my presence loud enough for me to hear but softly enough for me to second-guess that I’d heard them say anything at all. They’d praise me to others while side-eyeing me at the same time. Somehow I was the only one to see these side-eyed glances.
The PGN’s hatred for me seemed to radiate so strong at times that it soon became obvious to me that they were trying desperately hard to contain their hatred of me. It was as if the PGN practiced controlling their facial expressions at all times so that emotions would never register on the surface. Yet, somehow, I could always tell when something was off right down to their mini micro-expressions.
Yet, over the time I had come to know the PGN, I regarded them as a friend. How foolish of me recognize from the start that their hardened gazes and stiffened movements mirrored those of my narcissist mother. At some point though, I began to see my mother in the PGN. Their behaviors were the same. That’s how I came to realize that the PGN is a narcissist.
The PGN was mean and crafty – wicked to the core. I doubt that there has been change. In actuality, they only tolerated me to get what they wanted from me. They only showed their “like” of me for a schematic purpose. Their true purpose was to seek and plan my destruction at every chance they could, and I was only partially aware of this in hindsight. All the while, I blindly believed they were looking out for my good, only for them to secretly sabotage me.
The Poisoning
I’ve gone back and forth over the reasoning that PGN had for poisoning me. Their hatred for me was reason enough, but there was a whole lot more. I didn’t realize until it was too late that they were in competition with me. When I recognize this much, I began distancing myself from them. Their competition seemed slight and silly at first. I believed it may have been because of their deep-rooted insecurities. Yet, there was so much more.
I took note the their competitive nature when they began comparing our material possessions. I hadn’t notice it right away until they continued to badger their point in various conversations. One of their main flying monkeys even noticed this as well, and the slights the PGN kept making against me made the flying monkey and me both uncomfortable. Like, I didn’t care, why did the PGN?
Yet, I’d go back and forth not sure of what I was truly dealing with because the PGN would go from hot to cold like the toss of a coin. One moment the PGN graced me with hugs and smiles. Another moment the PGN’s body language would grow stiff and cold. Their favorite method of icing me out was to give me their silent treatment. We might have hung out for dinner a previous evening only for me to wonder why they were not speaking to me the very next day. There was no rhyme or reason to their madness.
On the day of the poisoning, I remember it so well. In my mind, I thought the PGN and me were on “playful” terms each day we met at the microwave to heat our food. We’d playfully race to the microwave, and whoever got there first would be able to go to the bathroom first. That was always the real reason for the rush. We wanted to beat the line at the restroom that always formed just before we’d eat our lunch. Whoever made it to the microwave secured their way to the restroom.
I honestly thought it was a friendly banter and race between people who’d become friends through our work, but that is never the way a narcissist sees it. A narcissist always views competition as competition. They don’t make a play for it; they make a run for it. The PGN has all the characteristics of a narcissist. When I think about my time with them, I’m always reminded of my mother’s behavior.
Needless to say, on that particular day, I’d thought nothing of making it to the microwave first just as I thought nothing of the days the PGN made it to the microwave first. I placed my food inside the microwave to heat, and then I went to the restroom. It had to have been during that time that the PGN took that opportunity to tamper with my food. Although I have no proof, I have an inner knowing that I cannot shake. I also have a long list of events that tie together to make for a very dramatic scene of events with cryptic evidence. LOL
After getting my food and walking into the eating area, I distinctly remember seeing the PGN, their flying monkeys, and the supervisor for our department hovering around each other. This was their usual stance at lunch just before sitting down to eat. I always sat on the opposite of the staff cafeteria away from any group of people as a way to gain downtown and solitude before going back to my duties. I felt like all of our behaviors regarding our routines were normal, but something about this day was different. I remembered wondering why the group kept glancing over at me. I hadn’t paid attention to this before.
I only ate a few bites of a lunch I ate once a week. Then suddenly, I began coughing as if the food had gone down the wrong pathway inside my throat. I didn’t know it then, but that was the start of an allergic reaction. I tried not to make a big show of what was happening to me, but at some point I went to the restroom. I desperately needed water, and I felt the need to lather my face with it too. Then I felt an unnecessary heat cover my face, and I felt faint. Then I went into a coughing fit.
While all of this was happening, I remember seeing the PGN and their group stare at me a few times as I paced back and forth to get sips of water, but I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I tried to behave as normal as possible. At the time, I thought I was just coughing. It felt like some of the food had lodged itself within my throat the wrong way and wouldn’t move. I didn’t realize I only had a matter of time before I was about to experience anaphylactic shock.
At some point, I remember thinking I was going to die at work, and this was not how I wanted my life to end. Then I dissociated and detached into float mode outside of my body. I could hear and see everything going on around me but it was as if everything was caught within a vacuum. Everything sounded as if I was inside of a tunnel. All sounds were muffled. I felt myself going in and out … in and out. I was attempting to hold on, but I was losing air. My throat was closing; I felt like I was choking. I floated and carried myself to get help.
To make a very long story much shorter, I was rushed to the hospital. All the key flying monkeys surrounded me as I was carried out on a stretcher. Only one person was notably absent the entire time of my ordeal. The PGN was nowhere to be found. The supervisor and the main flying monkey were the ones to help me during my hospital stay and afterwards. Looking back, they were just monitors for the PGN. They obviously reported back everything that happened to me at the hospital and everything they heard said in my presence by the doctor and other health care professionals.
When the doctor mentioned that he thought I might have been poisoned, I will never forget how the supervisor’s face turned death grey in color. The supervisor looked as if they’d seen a ghost. I didn’t give it much thought at the time, but because their expression seemed so odd, I made a mental note not to forget it. They even got up at one point and left the room (which was most likely to contact the PGN about the details). Later on, when things came together for me in detail, it all made sense. What didn’t make sense was the PGN. They never once contacted me at all. NOT ONCE!
I perceived the PGN to be a closer friend to me than anyone else at work at the time. So their silent treatment during a very scary time for me really stood out to me. During other times, the PGN would be there for me even if on a surface level, but this time was so strange and very different. The PGN had completely disappeared – gone totally silent – completely mute for the rest of the day. No phone calls. No texts. No anything. I only heard from the flying monkeys and a few other concerned colleagues.
The next day at work proved to be even stranger. The PGN made it a point to consistently bring up to anyone who’d listen that I had an allergic reaction that almost killed me. Even stranger was how the main flying monkey to the PGN reacted to the retelling of my story. The side-eye glances back and forth to each other seemed odd to me. It was almost as if there was a joke about me that I hadn’t been told about.
Fast-forward to years after this traumatic event involving the PGN and their flying monkey, I had a similar type of allergic reaction after being prescribed medication for an injury. About an hour after I’d gone to sleep after taking the medication, I was awakened by an uncomfortable tickly feeling in my throat. When I sat up, I went into a coughing fit. Then, I was instantly triggered back to the past. I remembered. I remembered. I remembered!
As I tried to gather myself, I felt my body react in the same ways as I had that day I had the allergic reaction to something I’d eaten in my food. This time, I knew to take Benadryl to relieve the symptoms. Then I called an emergency helpline that connected me to a nurse in regards to the effects of the medication. I had an EpiPen on standby just in case I needed it. Fortunately, I didn’t need it. The symptoms began to ease down after a while as my mind recounted how I had been down this prickly road of near death before.
Then just like that, my mind trailed back to a traumatic scene, and I remembered that during the time of that event with the food poisoning the PGN had been taking prescribed muscle relaxers just like I had been given for my injury. I was allergic to the main active ingredient. The effects I had from that food poisoning were the exact same effects I had from the attack that awakened me out of my sleep. It was the aha moment I needed for closure to the past. I had finally solved the mystery.
It also wrapped up the odd behaviors of those flying monkey colleagues who rallied around me but did very little to help me when I had that severe allergic reaction. It will never leave my memory how one flying monkey literally stepped over me when I begged them through near tears and flailing arms (because my throat was closing) to call for help. Their response was that I was overreacting. I do not believe they would have ever called anyone had it not been for another person who just happened to hear the commotion and screamed at them to call for help.
When I think back on that situation, it was all so perfectly planned. The poisoning was a premeditated act that the PGN and their flying monkeys were all a part of which explains the robotic and detached attitudes towards me during the whole ordeal. While others who weren’t a part of the plan were literally panicking about how to help me, the PGN’s flying monkeys behaved in such nonchalant and detached ways that their behaviors were out of character even for them.
There was only panic when the supervisor (a flying monkey) overheard the doctor tell me he was sure I’d been poisoned because he claimed nothing else regrading my reaction made sense to him. The lunch I’d eaten that day was a lunch I ate weekly. It was freshly prepared – not contaminated or out of date. In fact, that doctor’s suspicions regarding a poisoning were later confirmed after I took a series of blood tests to rule out food allergies.
The doctor also cautioned me not leave my food unattended anymore. He believed that was the culprit that gave an opportunity for someone to tamper with my food. For the doctor to even mention this at the time seemed odd to me. For the most part, I couldn’t fully process what the doctor told me in regards to being poisoned because, at the time, I just couldn’t believe that someone hated me enough to do something like that.
Now, of course, I know better. I’ve been poisoned on more than one occasion by at least three different narcissists – one of those includes my narcissist mother. Looking back, I had colleagues I viewed as “friends” that I didn’t realize were my enemies. Interestingly, they would have gone down for what the PGN had done to me because the PGN had left them cold and dry to deal with it all. When I actually began having the allergic reaction, the PGN vanished from the scene.
Anyway, a similar allergic reaction to the active ingredient in the muscle relaxant I was prescribed was the same active ingredient in the muscle relaxant that the PGN was prescribed around the time of my poisoning. It’s the only active ingredient that makes muscle relaxers work. I can only surmise that the PGN sprinkled the residue of a pill into my food or used something else poisonous to make me sick. I wouldn’t put it pass them to have read up on the reaction I would have because of such a thing.
The perfect time to get me would have been when I dashed off to the restroom while my food was in the microwave. No cameras were in that area near the microwave, and besides their main flying monkey, I don’t remember anyone else being around them. This would make sense as to why the PGN, the two flying monkeys, and the supervisor were hovering around each other at lunch and glancing over at me a few times. I sincerely believe they knew what was up. They knew what they’d done. They were just waiting for what the PGN had done to my food to take effect so they could act out their parts well.
Now, I do have a wild imagination about a lot of things, and I can prove nothing of the sort took place with the PGN regarding the poisoning, but I was triggered by one episode that reminded me of another. Then, I had an “aha” moment that literally blew me away when I realized it all. All of the pieces of the puzzle that confused me regarding events about what the doctor said, how the supervisor reacted, how the flying monkeys behaved towards me and seemed to encircle me to monitor everything that happened, and how the PGN was nowhere near the scene when they were present earlier when I microwaved my food, all leads me to a fixed certainty within my mind. I have no doubt the PGN poisoned my food when I wasn’t around even if I can’t prove it. I do have my certainty.
I could certainly be wrong, but my heart and soul say otherwise. Plus, the PGN has a track record and a propensity for other destructions against me, including, but not limited to, stealing funds from me through a type of ponzi scheme, periodically flattening my tires (which one flying monkey knew about), forging my signature on signup sheets at work (which the main supervisor discovered on a day I was absent from work), attempting to steal my passcodes and passwords, making copies of my home keys when their mate worked on repairs in my home, and lots of other things that eventually caused me to steer clear of this person for good.
Fortunately, I no longer deal with the PGN in my life. I cut them off, and I have been better for it. I tell this story as a cautionary tale for others to take note. Some people are not always who they present themselves to be. Some people show you who they actually are all the time. Don’t miss the red flags, and when you see them, don’t override them and pass them off. Don’t be so quick to believe that a person will change once you see those red flags either. Even after you see the red flags and point them out to the person, that still won’t necessarily influence them to change.
Stay away from these types of people. Thy are destructive and dangerous. The intent of the PGN was to kill me and get away with it. If I had died, I can only imagine how they would have gotten away with murder and moved on to do the same to somebody else. The only one who displayed any type of outward guilt was the supervisor. After that situation, the supervisor actually stopped speaking to me. They actually went out of their way to avoid me. Then, they eventually resigned their position and left the job.
I can’t say the supervisor left the job solely because of me, but I’m sure it was easier to leave than continue to look me in my face everyday knowing what they had been a part of regarding my possible poisoning. As a matter of fact, after I later resigned my position, one of the flying monkeys of the PGN asked the previous supervisor to reach out to me to bid me farewell, but the supervisor never did so. This spoke volumes and confirmed my suspicions at that time when I began piecing events together.
I even ran into the previous supervisor on two occasions, when our eyes locked and I smiled to greet them, their eyes presented with a look of fear. Instead of greeting me, they turned and immediately walked away as if to pretend not to see me. I was somewhat crushed by their behavior because we had a long history as colleagues, but then it dawned on me that colleagues like them aren’t meant to be friends. The purpose of work is work.
Nevertheless, this is a cautionary tale about protecting oneself against the attacks of narcissists and other narcissistic personality types. In a sense, some of these people are dangerous, and they don’t care about your life. They only care about their lives and fulfilling their agendas. You just become collateral damage in the wake of their destruction. Please beware and be aware.
My Voice Unchained 