The Downside of Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
In a nutshell, healing from narcissistic abuse is not easy. It is not all sunshine and roses. In fact, there are days in my journey to healing when the sun does not shine at all, and there are more thorns than roses. Yet, I still press on. I still push on. I still fight for healing everyday.
The downside of healing from narcissistic abuse is that there are no easy ways to get through healing. Healing is not even the end of the journey for me. I still have a lot of learning and growing to do. I still need to mature. I still have my own negative traits to work through. I still need to change myself.
Healing is not a linear path. For me, the journey to healing often feels erratic. There are days when I feel like I have paused in the journey, and it is not because I have not stopped to smell the roses. Sometimes I get stuck. I might choose to wallow around in the filth of it all. Those are the days when there is nothing pretty about healing. I feel like I am a mess. I cry. I sleep. I wallow around in self-pity.
I especially have days where anger sets in, and I feel so overwhelmed with great emotion. Anger sometimes stalls me when I realize that I am more angry with myself for circumstances that I could have controlled but did not for whatever reason. Sometimes I stall with disappointment in myself, in the circumstances, and in the people that I chose to believe in even though all the signs were there that showed these people were not trustworthy from the start.
Yes … there are days when anger stays with me, and I have to deal with it. I have to take those moments to analyze why I feel so angry. I have to name the reasons for my anger. I have to take accountability for my part before I can move forward. Those are the days that I cannot even be angry with a narcissist from the past. Those are the days I am angry with myself. In fact, I feel that I have more anger against myself than any other person that has harmed me, and that is a part of the healing process.
Some days I find that I am irritable and annoyed, but I cannot pinpoint the reason. There is an overall feeling of unhappiness. Other days I feel great sadness, but the tears I want to cry do not rise to fall. Instead, those tears stay settled within stored places within my being. I cry on the inside. I carry the sadness. I drown in it. I can’t escape it.
Then there are other days that I feel numb … like there is absolutely nothing to feel. I cannot cry. I cannot laugh. I cannot emote at all. I just exist … but barely. I coast along as if life no longer has a purpose for me. Those are the days I must stop to pinch myself so that I recognize I still breathe and move and have my being. Those are the days I realize I that I am on the grounds of depression because I don’t feel at all.
For me, the downsides of healing from narcissistic abuse is that there is no rule book. There is no set way on how to heal. I often don’t have answers because I don’t even know the questions. Yet, I am filled with so many words but so little time to express them. I think about the fact that even if I slowed down for a while or disappeared from daily life, the earth would still rotate. The days would still continue. Life would go on without me. That in itself can be a downside to which I have no control, but I will heal despite this.
Peace does come, and right now I live at peace without having to worry much about a narcissist in my immediate life. I know those circumstances can change in a heartbeat, but I rest assured in knowing that for now, I can heal in solitude. Healing may be nonlinear, but I can still heal without much interruption as long as I keep myself away from triggers of toxicity. I can still heal as long as there is no narcissist around to purposefully halt my process. I can still heal as long as I don’t stand in my own way.
The downside of healing from narcissistic abuse is the journey of healing itself. It’s not easy, but it is definitely worth it just to breathe narcissistic-free air.
My Voice Unchained 