In my experience, the red flags were always there in my relationships with narcissists and narcissistic types. In fact, I’d say there was always a premonition of doom with most of those relationships. There was always a feeling of dread and a lack of assurance that things would last even if my connection with the person was nothing more than friendship.
I saw many warning signs, but many times, I didn’t know they were warning signs. However, many premonitions I had about what was to come couldn’t be more clear. The knowing that doom was on it’s way into my life if I continued a shared a path with a narcissist was always in my mind’s eye, especially when I came to understand that I was dealing with an actual narcissist.
What I Know Now
What I know now is what I couldn’t see clearly then. I did see, but I just wasn’t always so confident in knowing what I’d seen or heard. It was as if I was in disbelief and questioning my own instincts about people and their motives. In particular, all of the past narcissistic relationships showed red flags even if the color red wasn’t always so bright. Sometimes there were hues of reds that were very hard to discern as “red”. The warnings weren’t always quite warnings. Back then, I called them checks within my spirit that something was off.
I suppose it can be said that I saw what I wanted to see and heard what I wanted to hear, but it’s not always so cut and dry when dealing with people, especially narcissistic people. Some of the ones I knew were/are so cunning and manipulative that they can deceive even the most discerning person. I thought I was discerning one a certain level, but narcissistic people can be masterminds at what they do. Prior to realizing I needed prudence in my dealings with people, I never went into relationships or connections with others believing I needed to protect myself. Since then, I’ve gained a lot of wisdom. I trust no one.
I think of the biblical scripture that even the very elect or chosen ones of God will be deceived if it were possible. This means that the deceiving one is that cunning in their devices of trickery that even those that aren’t supposed to be fooled by such diabolical schemes could almost fall into the deceitful one’s trap. The number of times I was unaware of the schemes planned against me by narcopaths is astounding compared to the number of times that I was actually onto them. I’m grateful that God’s grace sustained me and held back the grip of death from me.
This is why I now go with that first feeling I get when I sense something is “off” with a person. It’s like an intuition or knowing without actually being able to define what it is that I know. Even if I don’t know on the surface, something within me gives me pause to say, “just wait because something is brewing below the surface”. This knowing causes me to take a step back, but now I am more keen to simply walk away and disengage myself from trouble instead of hanging on in the hopes of change.
At the same time, however, I wasn’t always so keen on what I was experiencing with narcissists and other narcissistic types either. I had been trained so well as a child not to throw the baby out with the bath water (figuratively speaking) that I was programmed to be “nice” and all too forgiving of wrongs that were never made right. I was always cautioned to give the benefit of doubt even when I had doubt. In essence, I was taught to dumb down that still silent voice that spoke a warning somewhere deep within my gut that I needed to pay attention.
In most instances with narcissists and other narcissistic types, there was always something that “off” that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. There was something so miniscule that could only be detected by looking at whatever it was through a microscope, but without sure evidence, I had to wait. I always waited, and at times I waited to my own detriment. Now, I no longer wait. I am a lot more cautious now and a lot less patient and tolerant of games. I now view someone’s lie to me from the start as a lie to me on purpose.
Narcissists Do Not Have Lasting Change
For the most part, I held onto the belief that a narcissist could change (before I knew the truth), and if they couldn’t change, then I believed prayer would change them. I didn’t realize at the time that it was going to take a lot more than my efforts at praying for a narcissist to change. It didn’t make much difference for me to pray and fast for them to change either.
So many times I believed what I was taught in the church arena that if I prayed for God to change the person, it would be worth the wait. Wrong! Dead wrong! The narcissists I knew changed for no one. They didn’t even change for God. It wasn’t until after I realized that when God turns people over to reprobate minds that even He leaves a them alone to their own devices. I needed to learn to do the same as well.
I learned with time and many lessons that I cannot change anyone but myself. In fact, it’s not my job to change or save anyone but myself. The truth of the matter is that many narcissists don’t see their need for change. They only see your need for change. They only see their need to receive what you benefit from at all costs.
Narcissists don’t care about you. They only care about themselves. If they happen to change, it’s not because they are doing anything for you. Their demonstration of “change” is about getting what they want from you which might equate to your silence or your possessions (all a part of their agenda against you).
As far as premonitions go, there were always some telltale signs that doom was on the horizon when it came to narcissists. We’ll take a look at a few that I experienced in the next post.
My Voice Unchained 