The Urge To Cry
I went on a disastrous “date” with a narcissist (before I realized he was a narcissist). The night went well aside from a few mishaps. Despite the person being a nice gentleman on the surface who paid quite a hefty bill for dinner, this man was a complete jerk. However, his jerk moves were subtle and hidden by his overall charismatic charm.
From ogling a waitress, being rude to a waiter, allowing his ego to one up me at every turn in our conversation, and speaking to me in a condescending undertone, I couldn’t call this man out on his behavior because I would have looked like the negative one. After all, he was treating me on this date. I would have been seen as ungrateful and ruining a good thing. The few times I tried commenting on his negative behaviors, he was quick to shoot me down in a playful but sarcastically biting way.
On the surface, everything about the date screamed, “This is a good guy!” Yet, within my inner being, I felt something totally different. Perhaps I was overstimulated by all the social manifestations of everything going on around me. Maybe I was grappling with social anxiety even though I never felt that my selective mutism gave way for any issues that night. Yet, on my way home from the date, I burst into tears. I felt extremely broken and sad.
There was a great inner knowing that despite the good food and reflective discussion this man gave me throughout the date, I knew on an inward level that he was really a destructive, manipulative and immature narcissist stuck within a time warp of despair. My tears spoke volumes to me about what I knew about this person beneath the surface of his exterior even though there was nothing I could remotely prove to anyone else but myself. All I had was an inward knowing which didn’t seem like enough at the time.
Yet, for me, this was a date that had gone wrong on so many levels, and I had the urge to cry about it. Only the narcissist thought it was a great date. He wanted to see me again, but I wanted to run for the hills. That urge to cry was a premonition of things to come. I didn’t cry because it was a bad date. I cried because I had an encounter with the type of personality I was well acquainted with in terms of narcissistic personality disorder, and he was nothing more than a reminder of what I couldn’t manage to escape.
Everyone believed this man to be a great guy overall, but my tears told me otherwise. As I got to know this person better over time, I saw him for who he truly was/is – a narcissist, and this would be confirmed so often that I had no choice but to eventually sever ties with him for good. He turned out to be exactly what I discerned him to be from the start – a crazy, controlling narcopath hiding behind a cloak of Christianity! When I wouldn’t succumb to his plans for a romantic relationship, he settled for trying to use me as a best friend. I am so glad I closed the door on that narcissistic sociopath.
An Unsettling Anxiety
Many times, red flags for me would come in the form of unsettling anxiety. There’d be the feeling of doom without me understanding why I felt that way. There’d be this restlessness that I couldn’t shake. I’d instantly feel as if something bad was about to happen. Then I’d become so overwhelmed by that emotional restlessness that I knew deep within me no peace would come until I made a break from whatever it was that ailed me. Usually, it was always the narcissistic relationship in question.
This unsettling restlessness happened countless times with different narcissistic types. I’d be in a situation or friendship of some kind with such a personality only to begin to feel an uneasiness while around them. I just couldn’t settle into peace. As time dragged on, which was always the negative vibe I had around most narcissists, there were obvious signs that I needed to get out. Things were about to get worse if I prolonged my time with the narcissistic person.
Specifically, when I sensed the overwhelming desire and need to go no-contact with a narcissist, the restlessness would become so unbearable that I would just have to end things. The pressure to confront them and make a break from the relationship would be so strong that I knew I wouldn’t experience relief until I made it clear to the narcissist the relationship with them was over. There was no place for me to run or hide. I had to end things or I would only grow more restless.
With those narcissists, the feeling of restlessness came as a sense of urgency that I needed to separate myself from them because their behaviors had grown progressively worse. I actually felt that if I remained around them much longer, my life would enter past the zone of danger. I was so overtaken by the pressure of this feeling that I wasted no time in severing ties with those narcissists. I didn’t care about their pleas to remain in their lives. I desperately wanted out and told them I didn’t want to reconnect with them ever again.
Dreams
Sometimes the premonitions I had about relationships with narcissists came to me in dreams. When I couldn’t make sense of all that was going on in my waking life, my dream life would take over. Interestingly, I’ve received quite a number of messages through dreams about the character of people. Those messages have played as warnings for me to heed.
In fact, I learned that the narcissist I almost married was cheating on me with more than one person via one dream when I couldn’t get clear answers and truth from him during waking hours. I even dreamed about how two women he was cheating with looked prior to me ever seeing them in person. I was able to tell the narcissist about these dreams and the women in great detail to his alarming surprise. In fact, I really freaked him out. He wondered and questioned whether someone was providing me with details of his life.
On the surface, he had plans to propose to me with the hopes that I would accept, but those plans fell through. It was only after his proposal, that left me speechless and unwilling to marry him, did I began discovering the truth about what he was really doing behind my back. The dream I had even made the connection that his best friend (at the time) was involved in some way. I had very little idea until later that one of the women the narcissist I almost married was cheating with (and later married) was the girlfriend of his best friend at the time.
Selective Mutism
Aside from being an introverted, autistic person who enjoys solitude, I struggle at times with a type of social anxiety which often renders me speechless. Selective mutism not only occurs in situations where I am unfamiliar with people, it also occurs in situations where I am familiar with people. I am even mute around my on family.
I find that I have very little to say in a lot of social situations. I actually freeze up and cannot even force myself to speak even when I want to speak. I can’t choose not to speak. It’s not like that at all. I literally am unable to say anything. It’s as if my mouth won’t click together to form words, and I am rendered speechless. There is no sound. No anything.
I will never forget the time I had a solo presentation in high school. I was supposed to have a book talk with my English teacher. When the teacher began asking me questions, I could not answer her. I formed words to speak, but no words would come out of my mouth. I was frozen in place. My vocal cords had shut down. Fortunately, the teacher recognized this, and she didn’t make a big deal of it. She told me I could try again the next day.
This freeze in speech has happened to me so many times that I can’t even count. It’s happened at the most inopportune times like during a job interview, when around people I know and don’t know, during emergencies, during a marriage proposal, when out and about shopping, etc. It never matters the situation, when I can’t speak, I absolutely cannot speak.
As damaging as this has been for my social life, it has also been a signal that something in my connection with someone needs taking a look at. Those times where I am frozen in silence has always been the opportune time for me to absorb and reflect on the speakers in my presence. It’s always been a time for me to pay attention to voice tone and inflection, facial expressions, body language, and what I sense going on in the atmosphere.
When I think about it, my discernment kicks into full force when I have absolutely nothing to say. It’s as if that is the time my five senses start working over time to transmit information from my central nervous system to my brain and vice versa. My second brain flicks on a switch, and I become even more aware of my surroundings, the people, and the spiritual realm.
When I froze in speech during a marriage proposal given by the narcissist I almost married, I remember feeling a tug inside of my gut. My tongue felt like it was held down by peanut butter that I couldn’t quite eat and swallow well. There was no way I could respond to that narcissist’s proposal. So I remained quiet. Yet, it was enough silence for me to observe the narcissist’s behavior. I remember feeling that something was “off”.
I didn’t remain quiet because I was being mean and trying to avert the proposal, I was quiet because I was mute. Yet, that moment of silence that felt like it was a long time gave the narcissist I almost married enough time to show me his quiet rage that was bellowing within him. It was enough silence for me to hear a still small voice within me say, “You can’t marry him. You don’t even love him.” It was enough time for me to realize had I accepted, I would have made a terrible mistake.
Another time selective mutism saved me from answering a question right away was when a pastor of a church I attended asked me to be their armor bearer. To be an armor bearer meant that I would have the special privilege of standing in the gap for this pastor. I’d be praying for them and giving myself to spiritual warfare on their behalf. As this pastor spoke to me about this position, I remember feeling a tug within my gut. It was one of those tugs of caution.
It seemed like time stood still long enough for me to watch this pastor’s facial expressions and determine that the tiny micro-expressions of hatred I saw coming from the tiny muscles within their face that they held under control was all a part of their ruse in hopes that I would submit myself to them. Something was off about their offer, and everything about their gestures to me seemed disingenuous and insincere. I wasn’t aware until after the fact that I was being set up for this position by this pastor to be later humiliated before the congregation.
Because I didn’t respond to the initial offer, the pastor was baffled. They stared at me in disbelief as I stared back. I couldn’t answer them, and I didn’t answer them. I just stared at them. My puzzling behavior caught them off guard. So when I got up without ever speaking, there was an awkward silence. I just smiled and walked away. Interestingly, it was this type of behavior that many people found off-putting about me. They didn’t know what to make of me. To be honest, neither did I until I studied more about selective mutism.
It wasn’t until a week later that the pastor came to me again with the same offer to be their armor bearer. I swiftly but nicely turned their offer down. I wasn’t interested, and I explained to them that I knew being someone’s armor bearer wasn’t the path I believe God wanted for me. I could pray for them like I prayed for anyone else. They didn’t always have to know. Based on the pastor’s controlled facial expression that formed into a half-smile of confusion, I could tell I had hammered a nail on the spot for a narcissistic injury.
Looking back, I believe that time of mutism where I could give no response was a time for me to discern the true motives behind the pastor’s desired position for me. Later on, after the plan the pastor had for me fell through, they took it upon themselves to publicly ostracize, smear and humiliate me anyway, but their initial plan backfired, and their true heart towards me was revealed to me. This enabled me to see the truth for myself and make the hard decision to walk away from a lot of people I loved that were a part of an abusive and toxic church.
I experienced a tremendous amount of spiritual hurt in this church, but many times there were premonitions that prepared me for what was about to happen. So in many ways, I escaped some damage as things could have been a lot worse for me than they were at the time. In fact, within the church arena, I experienced many premonitions of doom. I just didn’t realize that the doom was in remaining in a toxic church environment. I had to leave that church to get away from the doom. Although it took me a while before I freely broke away from the trauma bonds I’d made with surrounding narcissistic vultures, I broke free and learned how to remain free from such toxic environments.
In Reflection
Although this may not be the case for everyone, I’ve always had premonitions of doom as long as I was around a narcissistic personality. The red flags were always there. I just needed to pay attention. Sometimes I didn’t pay close enough attention. Sometimes I wanted to turn a blind eye. Sometimes I just couldn’t believe was I was experiencing. Sometimes I needed to have confirmation. Whatever the case, premonitions of doom were always there. I’m so glad I got out of those toxic situations.
My Voice Unchained 