Rethinking Forgiveness
I once believed I understood the concept of forgiveness until it was time for me to work out forgiveness myself. My normal way of handling injuries against me, no matter the form, was to just let things be, but when I chose to say nothing to the ones who emotionally injured me, I came to learn that I was actually being passive aggressive.
I chose not to deal with a lot of things that some people did to me. I’d just take whatever was dished out to me, often believing I must have deserved it. However, even when I knew some injuries, such as insults, betrayals, mistreatment, and the like, were undeserved, I would just let a half-worked apology that I’d be given suffice. After all, I figured it was the thought that counted (until I later realized that not a lot of thought goes into a half-apology because it really isn’t an apology).
In the long run, all I did was allow my anger regarding the injuries against me to build up and manifest outwardly in different ways. I’d do things like pout, go silent, grow distant, or do any other negative behavior. Sometimes, the injuries inflicted against me by others would build up and fester within me until I had to release my anger, and that was never a pretty sight. I’d seem out of control and much like the bad person in the situation despite me being the one who was caused the harm.
Then I realized that the angrier I felt about situations, even long after situations took place, that saying I’d forgiven versus truly haven forgiven were two different things. I had to rethink forgiveness. I had to work out forgiveness. I had to take a hard look at myself. I had to deal with my emotions and work through a lot of resentment and bitterness. I had to take a look at my posture, my feelings, and the vibes I was sending off to others.
Being a person who doesn’t forgive can make one a very difficult person to be around because all that person does is complain. They are never satisfied, and bitterness rots their very bones. They make matters more difficult than they need to be because they refuse to address the issue of their unforgiveness. They often just cannot forgive, and this could be for so many varying reasons.
Sometimes, the only way I knew I had truly forgiven someone for hurts they caused me was that I no longer felt anger about the situation. I also no longer had feelings one way or the other about the person. I didn’t think of the person at all, and if they did come to mind, the thoughts of them were fleeting. It would almost be like a flash, but I was okay. I had no emotions tied to them. I could feel nothing.
Unfortunately, when dealing with narcissistic personalities, forgiveness has not always come easy for me. I have often had to rethink forgiveness because something from the past with a particular narcissistic individual will stir me to anger all over again. Then I feel an intensity of anger so strong that I feel a need to unleash rage upon the person, most often when that person no longer even exists in my life anymore.
I will replay the situation of that narcissistic person’s meanness against me over in my head. I will wish for a way to retaliate by speaking up for myself. Often, I recognize that I am just still so angry with myself for having failed to use my voice. I might even be angry with myself for being so oblivious, so mute, and so nice. Many times, I held my silence because I was silenced, and I failed to grab moments where I could “fight” back with my words.
I find that I must rethink forgiveness a lot in situations where narcissists are concerned because emotions may still swirl around circumstances that involve them. Even if my life has somewhat moved on, I instantly feel stalled or as if I have regressed when I recall what a narcissistic individual has done to me in the past. “Maybe it’s just a lesson I need to continue to learn from” is what I always reason with myself because nothing else makes sense.
I rethink forgiveness all the time in a effort to be sure that I have truly forgiven. Have I?
Stay tuned for the next post.
My Voice Unchained 