Have I Really Forgiven If I’m Still Angry
When someone narcissistic from the past comes to mind, I will clearly see that person’s face in my mind’s eye. I might remember situations where the person was often downright cruel to me in very subtle ways or in very overt ways. I might remember how they were disrespectful to me publicly or how they worked behind the scenes to sabotage me. Depending on my thought processes and feelings, thoughts of this person might be pleasant, unpleasant, or nothing at all.
If thoughts of the person are pleasant enough, I am usually pondering over the lessons I learned from my experiences with them. I might laugh over moments that I was so blind to from the past. However, once the thought of them comes to mind, I usually don’t linger over them. Instead, I move on. I might gain an ‘aha’ moment, or there might be something about the past with the person that I need to completely understand as it relates to narcissistic abuse and healing.
If thoughts about the person are unpleasant, then my anger has usually been unleashed, and in that moment, I feel out of control. I will then know that I am in the place of rethinking forgiveness, and I question what more I need to forgive. This is when I realize what Jesus might have meant when he said we should forgive our brother (or sister) 70 x 7. In other words, we forgive as much as we might need to forgive. For me, this means forgiving until the memory of a narcissistic person no longer brings me to intense anger.
Memories Of A Distant Past
For about two weeks, my mind lingered over a situation with a former colleague whom I had no idea felt the way they felt about me at the time. This was a person I admired in work, and as a part of work, it was often necessary for us to collaborate together. I also thought this colleague had a cool style about them, and I often complimented them on this. I guess I must have been out to lunch because I missed the cues that something was wrong between us.
When I really considered this time period of my life, I look back and realize I was so oblivious and gullible regarding a lot of situations. Even though I didn’t consider this colleague and me to be friends, I thought we were cordial and friendly enough. However, it took a situation of misalignment with this colleague to help me recognize that something was really off. I had so many blind spots, and felt like a fool for not seeing it sooner. I can only reason that being autistic made me so much more vulnerable to abuses that I hadn’t considered in my past.
When Anger Ignites My Need To Rethink Forgiveness
For the longest time, I didn’t have any indication that there was a problem with this colleague. In fact, we were always cordial to each other, had short conversations that sometimes related to things outside of work, and worked well with the group of youth that were assigned to us. I only vaguely began to regard subtle clues that something was not quite right. For the life of me, I’ve seriously tried to pinpoint where things went wrong.
I wanted to know what I had done to cause this particular colleague to began their lethal retaliation against me that resulted in some serious undermining of my working abilities and a horrible smear campaign against me that I didn’t even know was happening to me. It all started with me taking note of subtle changes in this colleague’s responses and behaviors towards me. They went from being happily cordial with me to mean-faced and grumpy towards me.
In fact, it wouldn’t be until after frequent negative encounters with this colleague that I would start to question myself whether I was really experiencing something wrong. I’d replay our interactions over and over because of a micro-change I’d hear within their voice or a micro-expressive change I’d see on their face. Something was off to me, but it was often hard to put my finger on it. I knew I’d seen the off behaviors but then those same behaviors would disappear.
No matter what, though, I was always kind to the colleague, and I don’t recall ever indulging in any office gossip about them. I always kept mainly to myself at work and tried to avoid such toxicity. I’d seen enough damage that such things could do, and I worked to stay out of it. Plus, the job was demanding enough without added stress, and there was always added stress when it came to working with some of the youth. Overall, I was actually fond of this colleague, but I couldn’t help but take note that something had changed between us.
Needless to say, the major indication that something was off was that the shared youth group that we worked with at separate times began leaving the colleague’s activities and coming to me with behaviors of outright disrespect. It would always take me around 10 minutes to bring calmness back to the group. They’d complain to me about the way I facilitated when my way of facilitation had never been a problem for them in the past. They’d attempt to argue with me and talk back to me about benign situations that had very little to do with anything that I presented as a topic.
They’d, in fact, hijack assigned topics and sabotage activities that they’d always enjoyed with me in the past. They’d even mock me and make cruel comments about me. They mock me regarding the way I talked to the way I dressed despite the fact that I was always professional. I couldn’t understand what was going on with them. I went from being one of their favorite people to being one of their most disliked people. I was baffled and hurt by the change.
I always made it a point to create a safe and open environment where sharing freely was always a part of discussion. At some point, I began to take note of the air of superiority over me. Some of the youth began to address with me in a way that seemed very out of character for them. I was no longer someone they viewed with any authority or any expertise. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue (although now I realize this had all been building up behind the scenes against me for sabotage), I was bombarded with “Mrs. So and So said that you don’t know what you’re talking about when you said x, y, and z.” I was stunned!
In one session, the group finally exploded on me with all the things that my colleague said that I did wrong. It was said that “Mrs. So and So questions your competence.” So much was said that I didn’t know how to respond, and to keep from being involved in any drama or saying anything negative about a fellow colleague, I simply stated that “Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I hope none of you are spreading false information to cause issues between Mrs. So and So and me because that is not nice.” Frankly, though, I really didn’t know what to say, and to most of the youth, it was apparent.
As much as I tried to play it off, I was brutally wounded, and when the group left me, I sat down at my desk to process it. But, I could not process it. I was dumbfounded. I was absolutely speechless. I remember sitting in silence. I could only let the wall of tears that fought hard not to escape from my eyes freely fall now that there were no young people around me. The words that group of youth spouted to me regarding what my colleague had said about me pierced me deeply to the core. It was as if someone had stabbed me multiple times in the same spot.
What the colleague had done in a matter of weeks was sabotage my working experience by making it harder for me to do my job effectively. The youth we worked with had chosen a side when I had no idea I was even in a competition. I was not sure of the colleague’s reasons for creating division, but I thought the only way to handle the situation was to address it. Before talking to the colleague, however, I sought out the advice of a person I considered to be a work mentor to me, and what they shared with me bothered me for a very long time.
Handling A Workplace Grievance
I had only slightly taken notice of the changes in the colleague’s responses and behaviors towards me. It appeared they’d gone from being nice to me to being outright rude to me. The level of our conversations had changed to where they were addressing me in a condescending manner. I often stood back and thought that I was misunderstanding them because they would be downright ugly towards me in their tone with me when no one else was around, but they’d be cordial and nice when anyone else was present.
It was typical narcississtic behavior, but I often gaslighted myself into believing that I was misinterpreting things. However, my mentor told me some very eye-opening stuff that made me more disappointed than I felt I needed to be for the circumstances. I had no idea there was a smear campaign against me. The mentor had not been forthcoming with this information to me because they thought I might have known and was attempting to handle it. This was not the case, however. I absolutely had no clue.
No one came to me at all about anything. I was so blindsided by the information from my mentor that I could barely digest it all. I fought back heavy tears. I didn’t want to cry at work. So, instead, I just shut down. I began operating on autopilot as if I’d become a shell of myself and turned into a robot. My tears were swallowed up instantly as if consumed within a vacuum. I distinctly remember the sensation of this. I could feel those tears become sucked up into a void, and then I felt myself go numb. I stopped speaking. I just listened.
For days, I prayed about how to address the situation. The mentor suggested that I talk with the colleague or set up a meeting with the colleague and the main supervisor. After carefully considering the options, I knew I couldn’t back down. At this point, it would make sense to involve the main supervisor because a smear campaign against me was already in progress. If the mentor knew this much, then I was certain that the main supervisor knew this much as well. I had to wonder, though, if the main supervisor even cared.
The main supervisor behaved as if the colleague could do no wrong, but I had already stood my ground with the main supervisor enough times for them to avoid ever going out of their way to approach me. I didn’t believe the main supervisor would be on my side with this situation, but I was not the one causing problems. So, I decided first to address the colleague so that I could discern the true issue.
When I went to the colleague, they played innocent and ignorant. They acted as if they didn’t know what I was talking about. When I gave specifics, they played dumb by giving off the quizzical look. Then they gaslighted me on the details I presented to them and stated that I was being drawn into manipulation by specific youth. The more I talked to the colleague and provided examples, the more they evaded the issue. I could see that it was my problem and there was no use in trying to get anywhere with them on the matter.
I next decided I’d meet with the main supervisor and the colleague together but not without adequate facts. I decided to take in documentation. So I contacted some of the parents about the changes I’d noted in specific youth behaviors and was flooded with so much information about things that had been said about me that I didn’t know how to respond. The smear campaign against me was so out of hand that many parents had already taken their grievances to the main supervisor, but I was totally in the dark.
When I contacted the main supervisor about a meeting, the supervisor blatantly gaslighted me. “You should never listen to children. They make issues out of anything just to see adults fuss and fight.” However, when I mentioned what I’d been told by parents, the main supervisor reluctantly agreed to a meeting. I also presented to the main supervisor the information from parents, but the supervisor blew me off and then later stonewalled me. This was a sure sign that I had no support even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.
It was only when I threatened to take my grievances over his head did the main supervisor agree to a meeting with me and the colleague. I was made to look like I was making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I proceeded onward. I just wanted peace, and I wanted to be able to effectively do my job without contention from a colleague. To me, what is right is right, and what is wrong is wrong. It didn’t seem to matter to the main supervisor that my good name was being smeared at all. The main supervisor’s eyes seemed to glisten, and they joked that maybe I was attempting to be a little too perfect.
When the meeting occurred in the colleague’s office, I could already tell that the main supervisor and the colleague had been in conversation. They continued talking to each other when I arrived and didn’t stop. They treated me as if I were not even present. Both were very dismissive of me, and I felt like crawling away. Yet, somewhere inside of me a great boldness surfaced, and what came out of my mouth stopped both the colleague and the main supervisor in their tracks. The fact that I even had to speak up in this manner was disappointing, but no less surprising to me.
I cleared my throat to interrupt the main supervisor and colleague. It was obvious they preferred to ice me out of their conversation which had nothing to do with our meeting. We were set to meet at a specific time, and the time we had was very short. They were ignoring me as if I was invisible. So I made myself known and went from there. I tried to be as blunt and get as quickly to the point as possible without losing my professionalism.
I addressed both the main supervisor and the colleague about my reason for desiring a meeting with them. Then I addressed the situation at hand. I had thorough documentation and statements from some of the youth in question about discussions the colleague had with them about me on several occasions. I also had parental information that gave credence to the conversations because the children of those parents had told their parents about what was happening because they didn’t like it.
I addressed the fact that some of the youth’s attitudes had change towards me, making my job ineffective in behavior management. I conveyed how this not only damaged the morale of everyone present, but I also conveyed how this damaged their relationships with me. Some of the youth were no longer giving me proper respect because of the things the colleague had said about me, making it seem as if I was incompetent in the youths’ eyes.
Then I addressed the colleague in a way that left them with no doubt that I was not playing their games.
Me: It’s very unprofessional to speak about me in a manner that disrespects me to the very same group of children we are supposed to be collaborating about. I’m not sure what I have done to you that has caused you such a huge grievance against me, but our behavior should mirror professionalism.
We barely even speak to each other. I follow your flow, and for a long time, you have been very cold and distance towards me. I have always treated you with the utmost respect. I have even admired you as a professional.
I would also never discuss you in the way you have discussed me with the children. It’s unprofessional, and it’s very disappointing to know that while I’ve been working hard with these children, you’ve been sabotaging my efforts behind my back.
I take my job seriously as I’m going to assume that you do as well, and there is nothing at all decent about what you’ve done. From this point forward, my request is that you keep my name out of your mouth. There is absolutely no reason that any of your activities requires me to be a topic of your discussions with these children.
Stop talking about me to them. If you insist on continuing to do so, the threat you think I am to you will become your reality and your worst nightmare. Nothing you said about me is true. None of the information you gave these kids speaks to my actual credentials. Check my level of education. If you want to do the activities I do, I suggest you wait for a job opening. This one is filled.
I won’t address this matter anymore, and if I must, I know the course of action that I’ll take, and it won’t be a good look for you (I turned to the main supervisor). By the way, you should know that a few of the kids recorded activities with [colleague’s name] while she was talking about me. I heard the one of the tapes. One parent’s family has threatened to take this over our heads. I told them it would be handled and shouldn’t be a problem any more. I hope I’m right.
Enjoy the rest of your day!
I turned to walk out the door without looking back. From that point onward, the main supervisor avoided me for a long time, as did the colleague. In fact, I actually made it a point not to go out of my way to speak to the colleague unless it was absolutely necessary. This colleague had made themselves my enemy, and at the time, this was devastating to me. I respected this colleague and believed them to be good at their job. Yet, they turned out to be somewhat of a horrible person.
Eventually, this colleague resigned and accepted a job elsewhere. I was never more glad to see them go. I could easily breathe a sigh of relief. I no longer felt as if I needed to erase my smiles around this colleague. Despite the way this colleague treated me with smugness, not too many other colleagues would say a bad them about them. In fact, almost everyone, including the main supervisor had nothing but nice things to say about them.
The main supervisor never once addressed this colleague’s unprofessional behavior towards me, even though there was insurmountable evidence to prove that this colleague did everything possible to sabotage my professional standing on the job. It was disappointing to say the least, but the main supervisor had their own agenda and was a Svengali of sorts. It figures that they would support the colleague whole-heartedly and choose to side against me.
After I stood my ground against the colleague’s behaviors against me and spoke my peace in the presence of the main supervisor, I was left alone. It took a while for some of the youth to simmer down against me since they had already chosen sides. However, I discerned that the colleague had said nothing else about me to them because their overall negativity seemed to cease over time. Things became better, and there was less of an issue with managing negative behaviors. Also, the tables seemed to turn somewhat with some of the youth speaking out against the colleague.
Nevertheless, I’d often look back on that time with agitation. A burning anger would arise just from the thought of it. Nothing about that situation needed to be as it was since I was merely doing my job, but I had to deal with an undercover bully who was going behind my back and sabotaging my efforts to do my job effectively. Had I discerned this earlier, things may not have progressed as badly as they did with the youth. However, I could not have possibly known that another individual would stoop to such disgusting behavior.
It took a while before I could no longer feel anger about that situation. Eventually, the feelings about it faded away. However, the feelings of anger towards the former colleague did not. Any time that colleague came to mind, I’d feel anger all over again. Over time, it wasn’t as intense, but the anger was still there. So I forgive all over again. I don’t forgive to condone the person’s actions or because I want to reconnect; I forgive to be free from the emotions that are tied to this person so I never have to think about them or what they did to me.
Since then, I have definitely moved on, and I don’t necessarily feel caged in by my anger towards the former colleague. The anger comes when I remember how much trouble this person caused me on the job and how they were able to keep good standing with others despite their lies against me. To my knowledge, this person was never held accountable for their actions even though I confronted them in the presence of the main supervisor. That’s where most of my anger stems.
It’s the fact that this colleague continued on with their life most likely doing someone else the same way while creating a faux character of goodness. It wasn’t until much later that I learned that this colleague was having trouble in their marriage which was the ultimate reason behind their leaving the job. Eventually, this person divorced and remarried and went on with their life elsewhere.
I don’t know how it happened, but we became “friends” on social media. If I recall, I may have reached out to them since they were on my “suggested friendships list”. I reasoned that this person may have taken out their marriage woes on me during the time we were colleagues. Whatever the case, this person was wrong to do what they did to me, and although there is no excuse, and I never received an apology, I figured I could forgive and just move on.
Currently, this person continues to present themselves as a “good” person based on the last social media posts I saw nearly three years ago. Although I don’t know about their current life, I can only imagine that if they never accepted accountability for what they did to me, there’s no doubt on my part that they are still the same horrible person now. I think this is what angers me more, and I don’t know if that has anything to do with forgiveness or not. It just is …
Rethinking Forgiveness
Needless to say, when the thought of this former colleague came to mind, I couldn’t rest peacefully for two weeks. I was angry. I was very angry. I regarded this former colleague with the most extreme feelings of hatred that I didn’t understand. I wished that I could have not been so naïve in not seeing the truth back then. I wish I could have readily seen that colleague for the person they truly were at the time. I did not. Perhaps my anger stems from the fact that I was blindsided by a person I regarded with esteem only for them to treat me so coldly as if I didn’t matter. I’m not particularly sure.
As the days moved on, I really couldn’t understand why I had so much fresh anger, but then I realized that it wasn’t fresh at all. It was all residual. I hadn’t given myself the space and time to deal with the anger back then. I had stuffed it all down and made nice. I didn’t allow myself the opportunity to grieve what I had lost. I had become a champion of my own self. I had to fight my own battle. I really had no one to truly confide in, and despite having a mentor, that mentor hadn’t been entirely forthcoming with information when I was going through a smear campaign.
I imagined then that the mentor was protecting me, but later I learned that the mentor was working their own sabotage behind the scenes against me too, such as forging my signature to documents and minutes for meetings. It was only after the colleague left the job that the mentor filled me in on all that they knew about the situation, but it was a lot too late. Needless to say, I was more or less angry with myself for not having caught on to what was happening around me sooner.
When the children would joke about me not having a clue, they really knew I didn’t have a clue. Back then, no one was aware that I was autistic even if they thought me to be strange. Autism, is no many ways for me, has been a blessing and a curse. I’ve been blessed in being so unaware of so many things, but I’ve been cursed for that unawareness as well. I didn’t readily catch on to what was happening when the children began mistreating me. I figured that was the age for it, but I never would have imagined that the were goaded on by my colleague.
When that all surfaced and came to light, I developed an overall anxiety and mistrust of situations involving a lot of my colleagues. I felt that I had been gullible, unthinking, and foolish in some way. I didn’t trust myself more than I didn’t trust anyone else, and I no longer believed in someone’s presentation based on appearance alone. That colleague gave off the vibe they were in my corner and that we were a team when that was the furthest thing from the truth.
I think that when that colleague came to my mind, thoughts of them brought up a lot of feelings regarding how I trusted a lot of narcissistic people who didn’t outwardly present themselves to be narcissistic. I had to rethink forgiveness again and again with that situation. I had to forgive myself. Although I continually walk the path of forgiving others, it’s not always easy. But the main thing for me is that I no longer want to be tied to such individuals. I don’t want anything about them taking up any capacity within my life. I want to be able to function without hate against anyone or even strong dislike. I want to be free.
I think I’m given many opportunities to rethink forgiveness so that my heart does not harden because of bitterness and resentment. I’m not sure how long that will last though.
Does anyone else rethink forgiveness as much if at all?
My Voice Unchained 