Overthinking

I am an overthinker. It’s the basis for how my mind works.

I think so much that I even think about thinking. Not a day goes by where I haven’t had a thought.

My mind doesn’t even seem to rest when I sleep.

Sometimes I can hear myself think through my dreams. There usually more than one voice. All the voices sound very much like me, of course. It is the sound of all my thoughts. Sometimes my thoughts even seem to have conversations with each other. It’s strange, but it’s not strange. I often wonder if this is how the mind of others work.

Many times, I have awakened to the sound of my voice talking at fast speed as if there is an ongoing conversation inside of my head. When I think about it, there is an actual conversation going on in my head. Those are my thoughts. My mind never seems to sleep. To get restful sleep, I’ve resorted to using a sound machine so that I can drift off into sleep.

Overthinking As It Relates To Autism

I do tend to overthink quite a bit to the point that it can be highly annoying to those that know me well. Obviously, I have not taken heed to “cast all my cares upon the LORD” and “be anxious for nothing”. That all requires a lot of practice on my part because I don’t always see my overthinking as worrying. I am merely dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s. I am being extra careful, extra cautious, and extra conscientious about everything.

That’s always been who I am – double checking and often triple checking everything just because sometimes I think I forget in the process, and that is simply how my mind works. As an autist, I honestly don’t know if overthinking is just a sensory processing difficulty or just an overactive mind. Whatever the case, there are times that I have to run away from myself to find peace. Yet, sometimes, hearing my mind think brings me peace. It’s a paradox.

I’ve actually always reasoned that this is how I was created, and I’ve simply learned to navigate through it all of my life. According to a psychiatrist, an anti-anxiety medication would do the trick. That psychiatrist must not have liked his own thoughts because once I began a series of different types of anti-anxiety meds, I felt myself sink into an abyss of a different kind of depression. The meds took my thoughts away until there was just silence.

Although I love silence, I didn’t like the silence of my brain. I needed my thoughts. I relied on them. So, as it would be, I didn’t last very long on those meds and ended up going back to what I believed was my normal self. I actually thought I might have a breakdown without being able to think. I need to think so that I can process. Thinking is how I process. I can’t process unless I think. I even needed to process how to phrase this paragraph even if I sound repetitive.

The only downside for me to overthinking is the negativity I tend to go into because of it. I can really have some stinkin’ thinkin’, and this can cause a lot of problems in my relationships with others. It wasn’t even just narcissists who were annoyed by my overthinking. Many people close to me get freaked out by how far my imagination can take me about simple situations.

I can come up with an elaborate and detailed story on something because of my overthinking, and that usually happens when I don’t have a response to my question(s) or I have to figure things out on my own. I also tend to ruminate over things too, and this leads to a lot of negative thinking about situations. This thinking is totally different than when I am in my mode of discernment. There is a huge difference.

Although, sometimes, I will be prone to questioning things and overthinking them when I am discerning something. Yet, when I have gone out of control with my thinking, discernment goes out the window, and I go into a balloon tangent. I always know the difference between rumination and discernment because when I am in severe overthinking mode, I tend to lose control, and my emotions go all over the place.

In an overactive state of mind in rumination, I end up doing things that I later regret. That’s when I know I’ve gone overboard, obviously. Those are also times when I have reached a crescendo of all that I can tolerate with a person (usually a narcississtic person) or situation before going into an autistic meltdown. Those are the times that I lose control of myself and become so angry I shut down. I have processed enough and can think no more or I have processed enough and my mind has brought me to a negative conclusion.

Overthinking Situations

Usually, when I am in a mode of overthinking, I am pondering over a variety of situations. Whatever I’m going through at any given moment or whatever I am learning about is usually what I’m in deep thought about. It will always depend on whatever has happened in my life. It could be something as simple as what I said two years ago, and the thought of it comes up as it relates to something else I might be currently dealing with, and I’ll just think about it. That’s just how my mind works.

In fact, all of my thoughts connect. What even seems like a random thought always has its connection in another thought. If I recall something from two years ago, it is always because it fits into a pattern of thought that is happening in my life right now. There is something I need to make of it or I can make of it. That’s usually how it always works with me. I don’t even have to make sense of it all because my thoughts will just all fit together in some way. I guess, if you know, you know because I don’t know any other way to explain it.

My overthinking tends to build upon thoughts and intertwine with thoughts. So, I can sit and think for hours over something simple or I can think for a few minutes over something complex. It always just depends on what the thought is that has come into my mind, and there is always a thought in my mind. A thought is either at rest, ongoing – as if on a hamster wheel, or somewhere in the back of my mind waiting to be pondered over. I even think myself to sleep.

Ways I Calm Myself When I Overthink

Water brings me peace, and I can’t even swim very well. Yet, I love the sound of water, and I love the free flow of it. I will tune into my sound machine and listen. I use it to help me when I cannot quite wind down into sleep. I love relaxing in hot baths, sitting still by streams, and soaking in the sun on the beach. Water sounds smooth and refreshing, and as I take in the sounds of it, I feel refreshed, and I feel less anxious. It is calming medicine to me. I can’t say that I think less, but I don’t feel the wild erratic emotions of my thoughts. I feel at peace … at ease.

I also love sitting in nature. It makes me feel at peace. I’ll usually count off if I realize I’m feeling anxious within my thoughts or if there are too many thoughts for me to focus upon in that moment. I will count off things I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste in a 5-4-3-2-1 succession. Then I’ll just remain quiet and take in the scenery. Sometimes I’ll take a walk and listen to music or I’ll do something else to put me in motion like roller skating, dancing or sewing, so that my thoughts are less focused and less intense.

In addition to sitting in nature and relaxing with water, I also read. Reading brings me calm and places me in another setting for thought or another frame of thought altogether. I am more or less thinking about what I’m reading about and seeing what I’m reading with my mind’s eye. This takes me away to another place, and I can relax. But if reading is too hard for me to do because my thoughts feel as if they are distracting my focus for reading, I’ll watch a movie, or I will listen to music and visualize the songs as a video of my creation.

One of my number one ways to relieve the overthinking has been writing about my thoughts. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t write about them. Writing has been a way for me to release some of my thoughts. I have a chance to get all of my thoughts out. Of course, it’s tough when I have writer’s block. That’s when I become too focused on what to write and my overthinking doesn’t allow me to write freely. But writing does help, and it helps me a lot.

Born To Overthink

Sometimes I just think I was born this way … born to overthink because it goes with my tendency to question all things and to understand things. I don’t know. If overthinking weren’t all so wrapped up in anxiety, I don’t think overthinking would be so bad, but that’s what I do even when I am not consciously aware that I’m thinking. I’m always thinking, and I’m even thinking about my thinking. I guess you’d say for sure, I’m an overthinker.