If I am not sure of an actual purpose for my life, I do believe I was born to be a catalyst. A few people in my life have confirmed this, and although I often viewed being a catalyst as something negative, I now know it’s not negative at all. It is only negative to those who resist the path I take, and the resisters of my life have always been narcissistic in nature.
A catalyst is a person who initiates change, is a positive influence, and often causes an indirect impact on people’s lives. I cannot say that I have ever willed myself into a position to be a catalyst, but that is a place that I have often found myself. Once in such a position, I do take a stand, and I take my stand seriously. I refuse to chain up my voice any longer even if I don’t use Twitter or any other social media pathway as an avenue from which to speak my truth.
I often go where I am led to go. This may not make much sense to anyone who reads this, but when it comes to my path in this life, I only want to do what I believe is the will of my Father in heaven. I do what I believe to be my life’s purposes based on assignments. I could be very wrong about this, but for much of my life, this is how I have lived (as if on some type of assignment).
Since my life has undergone an extreme change since 2019, I have felt myself go away from what I thought was my life’s path. To be frank, I don’t actually know my life’s purpose anymore. So I often don’t know what to do. I feel ill-equipped for any life assignment, but for the longest time, I have felt as if there haven’t been any assignments for me at all. I have felt myself go into a zone of where I have no purpose, but then there was Twitter.
But Then There Was Twitter
I thought this current blog was to replace my working purpose, but then I extended to reaching others with my blog through Twitter and Instagram. I caved in on Instagram (IG). The IG platform had a different type of vibe. I didn’t feel as if I was cut out for it. I didn’t feel as if I belonged there. Mainly, I didn’t have the desire to deal with people insulting me for information. Those people frequently sent me negative messages in my DMs. So I chilled out from posting as much. Twitter felt different.
Twitter had a great community and just a different way for me to give voice to my life story. For a time, it was an amazing experience because of shared community and focus with others. I met so many different people. I found so many familiar and encouraging stories of triumph. Then I faced the same types of bullying I had faced on Instagram and Facebook, but on a different scale. As a matter of fact, the cyberbullying was a bit disheartening.
For a time, I thought I was working out my purpose on the Twitter platform more than any place else. I had excitement there. Then something changed, and I don’t know quite how to explain it. It’s as if that change took place overnight, but when I look back, it was a series of things that happened that came into play. One day I logged onto my account, and the air about Twitter felt different. I knew a final day for me was coming and that things were going to end. It was just an inner knowing.
I reasoned that perhaps quite a few followers were right about me, and they could finally breathe a sigh of relief. In essence, many on the Twitter platform expressed to me that they didn’t believe I had a place for my type of content on the platform. It baffled me the number of complaints I received from some who followed me about their dislike of my content. I was just being who I am and sharing my story. Yet, the complaints suggested that my story was somewhat not mine to tell in the way that I shared it. It was strange.
Those followers could have simply unfollowed me, but instead, they wanted to constantly haggle me and nitpick with me at different times about different things that I posted on my feed. No matter what I posted, there was always a complaint from a certain few. They might not always comment to me about my posts directly, but there were always indirect passive aggressive comments made on their own pages that would filter through onto my feed which I would often see. It was a bit irritating to read their continuous complaints, but there was nothing I could do about their opinions about me shared on their pages.
Needless to say, I scaled back from posting about my experiences with narcissistic abuse in some areas. Those heavier topics regarding my experiences with my narcissistic family, work related topics, or even church related topics seemed to rub a lot of people the wrong way. Even if I presented those topics in ways that were less about me and more about factual information in general, there were still complaints. I just couldn’t seem to navigate myself on an even path.
I later figured that even voicing myself on Twitter was not my actual purpose, but then it became apparent that maybe I was going about it all wrong too. I later found that I wanted to share less and less because the vibe began to feel more off. The more followers I acquired on the platform, the more problems I began to have regarding my content even though there were no actual changes to my content. I stayed on topic, and the topic was always related to my experiences with narcissistic abuse.
I assumed kicking my heels in even harder and diving into more research and presentations would be helpful, and for a short period of time, this seemed to change the trajectory a bit. In fact, I felt like a part of me was really free to be more open about my life as I dove into my gift and love for teaching and presenting information. I had really taken my focus to a whole other level, but instead of creating less drama, it seemed to create even more. It would not have been so bad for me if narcissistic types didn’t thrive on finding drama where I hadn’t intended for drama to be present.
Narcissistic types seemed to flood even more to my Twitter feed. Then one day, as if overnight, Twitter changed just like that. In fact, I’d say it actually was an overnight thing because on the day I had set up a schedule to role out content up until December, the next moment (a day later), I was locked out of my page. When I was able to retrieve my page, I was limited to how much I could post unless I subscribed to a paying format. When I attempted to subscribe to a paying format, I ran into a lot of technical mishaps because I had limits to what I could view and post.
When I established a new page to alert my followers, I found that I was still limited on what I could post. I took all the mishaps as a telltale sign it was time to walk away from Twitter. The writing on the wall for me had been there for weeks prior. My last major posting topic was allocated to The Scapegoat and Black Sheep. That in itself was significant for me because that topic has always applied to me on a personal level. It was the literal great ending to an interesting start and even more interesting ride on the Twitter train.
Nevertheless, I closed down that platform and walked away from a few other platforms too. Then it dawned on me that a catalyst for change doesn’t always stick around after changes occur. It was more or less an opportunity to plant seeds. Someone else comes along and waters that seed. Then someone else comes along and harvests the fruit of that seed. The main catalyst doesn’t always see the outcome of their work.
In the end, I just hope that nothing was in vain. I was truly excited and honored to share all that I’ve learned from my experiences with narcissistic abuse, particularly since a great deal of my life has been spent with my voice harnessed in chains. Being able to speak up and speak freely was life-changing, and that was a catalyst for me. That was a catalyst for change.
My Voice Unchained 