Clearing The Air For Better Communication
More often than not and particularly in close relationships from the past, I have been rather passive about my needs and wants. I was more likely to just allow my emotions to fester within me until I exploded with rage regarding a person’s disrespect of my time and efforts to the relationship. I was a people pleaser, but I was never pleased with myself.
By nature, I am a people-pleaser. I have always aimed to give the best of myself to everyone I have come into contact with even to my own detriment. I was even told by a well-meaning person once that I was one of the most dependable people that she knew. She literally said, “You are dependable by default”.
Although I took her words as a compliment, an agitated narcissist who overheard the comment told me that my colleague’s assessment of me was nothing more than an insult that clearly went over my head. For whatever reason, that interaction with the narcissist and the comment stated has always stuck with me. Was my dependability a fault? Was I a sap? Those words stayed with me for a very long time, and I wanted to understand what they meant to her, to others, and to me.
When I thought about it closely and carefully, that agitated narcissist had always said that I was a dependable friend to them too, and I realized later that my dependability as a good friend was how they were able to use me. Yet, now I know better and am much more attuned to the ways of narcissists and narcissistic types. No, I am not a sap, but I have been a sap in the past for sure when I did not realize my value … my worth.
In one particular friendship, I felt that I was putting in more effort on my end which often made me feel as if the friendship was one-sided. I gave and gave but felt like I did not receive much of anything but breadcrumbs. If the friend was going through difficulties, I would be subliminally devalued with undercutting words that I would not realize were verbally against me until I was no longer in the friend’s presence.
In that friendship, I reached a breaking point and decided it was best for me to sever ties. Although I do not like confrontation, I will confront when I need to face an issue. So I let the friend know that I was fed up with their mistreatment. It turns out that the friend was going through a lot of emotional turmoil and family drama that I had no idea about until the friend told me. The conversation between us was raw and out in the open.
After a few days, it was amazing just how much that communication changed the atmosphere between us. It was far different than my experiences with narcissists and narcissistic types from the past, even though this friend does have narcissistic traits. In fact, this friend is very much a part of a dysfunctional narcissistic family. Yet, I’ve seen a lot of myself in this friend, and our varied experiences, although different, are in many ways the exact same.
I’ve come to realize that with time there comes a level of patience and grace I should extend to others because anyone who deals with family dysfunction often requires an extension of patience and grace. I didn’t get where I am today without someone being patient and graceful with me, and I’ve realized that I need to, in turn, be the same way. We all have learning curves, and we all heal, change, and grow at our own pace. It’s always helpful to know we have someone in our corner and someone who understand us and what we are going through.
Ways To Clear The Air For Better Communication
Improving communication in a family with a history of dysfunction can be challenging, but it’s a valuable and worthwhile endeavor. Here are some suggestions to help clear the air and foster better communication:
- Choose the Right Time and Place:
- Find a quiet and neutral space where everyone can talk without distractions. Choose a time when everyone is relatively calm and not under stress.
- Express Your Intentions Clearly:
- Start the conversation by expressing your desire for open and honest communication. Let others know that your goal is to improve relationships and find solutions together.
- Active Listening:
- Practice active listening by giving your full attention to the speaker, making eye contact, and avoiding interruptions. Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure understanding.
- Use “I” Statements:
- Frame your concerns using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”
- Avoid Blame and Accusations:
- Focus on the specific behaviors or situations that concern you rather than blaming individuals. This can reduce defensiveness and create a more constructive conversation.
- Be Open to Feedback:
- Encourage others to express their feelings and perspectives. Be open to feedback and avoid becoming defensive. Acknowledge that everyone’s experiences and perceptions are valid.
- Set Boundaries:
- Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations for respectful communication. Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial for creating a healthier dynamic.
- Seek Common Ground:
- Identify areas of agreement and common goals. Finding common ground can help build a foundation for better understanding and collaboration.
- Take Breaks When Needed:
- If emotions become overwhelming, it’s okay to take a break. Agree on a signal or a way to communicate that you need some time before continuing the conversation.
- Consider Family Therapy:
- Family therapy can provide a structured and supportive environment for addressing communication challenges. A therapist can facilitate discussions and offer guidance on improving family dynamics.
- Practice Forgiveness:
- Recognize that everyone in the family may have their own struggles and flaws. Practice forgiveness and focus on moving forward rather than dwelling on past grievances.
- Build Trust Gradually:
- Rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to communicate openly and honestly. Celebrate small victories along the way.
Remember that change takes time, and not everyone may be on the same page immediately. Consistency and a commitment to positive communication can contribute to healthier family dynamics over time. If the dysfunction is deeply ingrained, seeking the help of a professional family therapist can be highly beneficial.
My Voice Unchained 