Letting Your Light Shine

Letting Your Light Shine

Nearly a month ago, I started a new job in retail. It marks a huge departure away from my previous profession with minimal similarities. However, when it comes to dealing with people, there is much of the same. It’s all a lesson in discerning personalities and how to handle myself around them.

Currently, I find that I work with some amazing people who have been quite helpful as I learn the skills necessary for my new job. Yet, with every chance of getting to know some amazing people, there are many opportunities to get to know sides of some people I don’t really like. I also get to know some people who don’t really like me.

I must say this new job has come with a few challenges as I dance to the tune of a new kind of music. Although the job is less on autonomy than I have been accustomed to in the past, the atmosphere of dysfunction that I experienced in the past seems to be the same as in this place too. There are just some things that don’t change, but I have chosen to continue to allow my light to shine nevertheless.

Letting My Light Shine

I believe letting one’s light shine is effortless when a person is being their authentic self. I can’t even say that I actually work to be my authentic self. It just happens. I am who I am, and I just flow with it. It’s become less of an issue as I grow older. When I was a child, being my authentic self was more of a problem based on my family of origin.

Since I grew up in a narcissistic household, it was much more difficult to behave authentically. Anything about “me” was seemingly frowned upon. I couldn’t do “this”, and I couldn’t do “that”. In fact, no matter what I did, I was ridiculed and made to feel as if something was wrong with me. Needless to say, as I grew to become an adult, I became less inclined to accept someone else’s definition of who I should be in this world.

I no longer care if others don’t like me. I now view a person’s dislike of me as their problem – not mine. Now, I choose to be who I am and live as authentically as I possibly can. In the past, it would matter to me who cared, but now, I have come to realize I can’t live my life to please others. I have one life to live, and I’m going to live it. I’m going to live it as authentically as I possibly can, and I’m going to allow the light that the Creator has given me to shine forth no matter how much someone might want to dim it.

When Others Hate The Light

This new job has put me back on a routine, and that has been helpful in keeping depression at bay, even though it does little for my anxiety. For the most part, I’ve taken note of how much my autistic traits are more on display. I don’t know if this has come with aging or frequently putting myself in someone else’s shoes based on how they respond to me.

Nevertheless, I’m frequently finding that something about me and my behaviors are often off-putting to others. I am friendly enough, and I’m always showing others kindness. Each and everyday, I choose to greet others with kind salutations even if they choose not to greet me back. This is always how I’ve been, even when I’m not feeling my best.

I never want to project negative energy onto anyone. So I am careful and mindful about how I treat and respond to others. I always strive to treat others with dignity and respect. I can’t say the same is done for me, but I tend to take things in stride. Yet, as hard as I try, sometimes I have to fend off taking upon myself the energy of others.

Since I’m much like an absorbent sponge, I tend to soak in everything, and that has led a lot to me internalizing the behaviors of others. It can be hard to fend off the negative energies of others and not internalize that their behaviors mean that something is wrong with me. I spent a lifetime in the past always doing this only to realize that much of what I was internalizing had nothing to do with me.

Instead, I was taking on projected energy from others. Particularly within a work environment that is primarily toxic, it can be hard not to take upon myself negative energies. So I must always be diligent and mindful to remain true and authentic to myself and differentiate what energy is mine and what energy belongs to others.

Sometimes, others just hate my light, and there is nothing I can do about that. In fact, someone hating my light is not really my business. That’s on them. That’s their problem. Unless I’m being an awful person towards them, I have nothing I need to change. I don’t need to dim my light because they feel it’s too bright for them. I simply need to keep on shining. Shining my light keeps me in the right frame of mind and further protects me from negativity. I cannot help nor control who hates it.

When Your Light Annoys Others

When I realize that my light annoys someone else, I make it a point to stay out of that person’s pathway. In the past, I would attempt to turn myself off, but that only made me miserable and made for a difficult work day. It also meant that instead of shining, I was absorbing all of the negativity around me and taking on darkness. I don’t want to do that anymore, and I don’t want to risk falling into depression.

Spiritually, I’ve learned to go to war. During those difficult times of dealing with a negative person, I’d have to increase my times of prayer and make it a point to stand my ground and not falter under the pressure of someone’s hatred for me. I’ve learned that when your light annoys someone, that person literally cannot stand to be in your presence. Your light will literally bring out the worst in them. It’s as if whatever possesses them cannot remain under control. The person will display all of their ugliness towards you like they can’t help themselves.

Currently, this has been occurring with a few people within my new workplace, and I’ve only been on this job for less than three months. Two of the people who show animosity towards me have positions of authority over me. Each time I am scheduled to work when they are on the job, they will openly express their disdain for me. They speak to me with such condescendence and harshness that I openly question them whether something is wrong. It’s as if they cannot hinder themselves from showing their “mean” sides when I am around.

God forbid that I ask a legitimate question as it relates to how to do something regarding my job. I am always met with a negative tone as if there is no proper way for these two people to respond to me. With careful attention, I’ve taken note that it’s not just me. They respond to quite a few other employees this way too, and those are also employees who allow their lights to shine as much as possible. Yet, under such constrained weight, I can see that as the day progresses onward, the lights of these people often dims or turns off.

Anyway, the responses these leads or managers give to others creates a hostile work environment. This means that employees can often be heard complaining about the mistreatment, slacking off on the job, or choosing to never to return to work. On quite a few days, I’ve had to allow harsh behavior towards me to bounce off of me as if I am wearing an armor. It’s often difficult to process such harsh mistreatment, and when I am unable to, I feel myself on the verge of an autistic meltdown.

As it concerns the job, nothing is ever explained to me and no consideration is given to a need for answered questions. Instead, many employees (including myself) are talked to as if they are ignorant and dumb. It’s certainly easy to say what I’m not willing to deal with compared to what I have to deal with because I need the extra money. Things are good when those two negative manager leads are not around or when I can be left alone to do my job, but it’s as if they go out of their way to find me.

When Light Causes Conflict

I promised myself I would walk away from toxicity that was too much for me. I can’t avoid it considering the state of things in the world, and I know I have no control over how others react to me. I can only control myself. However, when it comes to supporting myself financially and finding the means to do this consistently when employment has been hard for me to come by, I reconsider my strength and tenacity. Even with my advanced degrees, the task of actually securing a job has been difficult for me. So, right now, I try to think about the goals I’ve set for myself and how long I think I’d be willing to put up with this craziness.

I don’t think I can go much longer with this toxic environment even if it appears to others that I am giving up. There are other jobs. I can do something else, and I’ve reasoned with myself that I might have to do so. For the most part, I am grateful that my autistic traits shield me from a lot of things. Sometimes not being able to quickly decipher someone’s actions towards me in the moment saves me from a knee-jerk reaction, and I sincerely believe at times that this is what often sets off those who seemingly hate my light.

For the most part, I don’t react in the moment the way these negative people expect me to react under duress. I take things in stride. I still respond with kindness, but sometimes I just stare at them blankly. I also remain silent. The silence is often my way of processing if I’m not undergoing a time of selective mutism in which I can’t respond at all. Sometimes mutism is the case, and this result will usually anger the ones who want me to respond in a way that shows they’ve undermined my resolve.

Even further, my lack of response usually throws those who seemingly don’t like me off my path, and they don’t know what to say to me. Sometimes I ask them to repeat themselves when they talk in such negative ways towards me, or I ignore their negative attitudes altogether. If I do respond to them, I respond in kindness even if bluntly, and then I walk away. I attempt to show that their display of negative behaviors don’t bother me, but as an employee I still give them respect.

Since I don’t wear nor feel that I need my eyeglasses within the setting of this work environment, I’m often protected from their glaringly hateful responses against me. In fact, I can’t actually see their faces from a certain distance, and this protects me because I fail to react to any negative responses and facial expressions. Because of this, I’m almost certain that I appear aloof to any of the hateful responses intended for me, both verbally and physically.

Nevertheless, dealing with toxicity as it relates to others is exhausting. It’s hard enough to deal with myself. I try to present myself as humble as I possibly can, and I am always willing to learn from others. I’ve been in positions of authority myself, and I know how difficult it can be to lead people and manage different behaviors, but it is never within my nature to break anyone’s spirit, destroy someone’s confidence, or make someone feel less than or beneath me in any situation.

I want to treat others with respect even if I feel they don’t deserve it. In a work setting, it is always the professional thing to do, and I do strive to be professional at all times. Yet, this job right now, and the way I’m experiencing mistreatment from a select few is driving that professionalism right out of me, and I feel the need to tell at least two people I’m praying God’s wrath against them. They behave as if they are literally agents of Satan set on my destruction and demise, and it’s not just exhausting, it’s infuriating.

Only one of the two would I actually consider a narcissist, and if they are not, they are extremely toxic, manipulative and controlling in the way they handle employees, particularly me. In fact, quite a few other coworkers have seen this lead person speak so harshly and disrespectfully towards me that they shared with me how angry they were on my behalf. At least others were witnesses. So I know I’m not alone in the experience.

In the moment that a particular lead manager responds to me with their negativity, I don’t emotionally react. I simply listen to the lead person and allow them to spew their projectile of insults my way. I realize that it is not worth my time to respond to them, and because I haven’t responded to their negativity as if I care, they fume with a silent rage every time they encounter me. I can see the hatred within their eyes against me. It’s crazy!

In this toxic work environment, I have chosen to allow my light to shine, not out of spite against anyone, but because that’s just the way it is, and I refuse to dim my light just because someone hates it or hates me. I won’t be forced to turn my light off. It’s supposed to shine, and I’m going to let it shine. In the long run, there’s not one person within that work environment that I will have to answer to for dimming my own light.

I have struggled for the majority of my life not to allow others to extinguish the light within me. I’ve even had to fight against myself not to allow my light to go dark. The light within me is what keeps me going. It is also what keeps me true to myself. It is my energy. It is my very essence. If someone hates it, that is not my problem. My light will do what it will do.

People who hate my light have their own options. They can choose to avoid me. They can choose to ignore me. They can choose to do whatever, but I am not going to allow them to stop my light from shining. They can kick rocks for all I care.

Letting your light shine is tantamount in this life, and I’m going to let mine shine. If the light is too bright, a person who hates it can choose to do something about their own light, but they have absolutely no control over mine.

Stay tuned to what happens next as I’m sure the saga of this story will continue until I choose to quit the job.