One of my managers is my narcissist mother … and other crazymaking behaviors at work!

What a click-bait type of title, right? It’s catchy. It might even be viewed as a way to lure you into reading my story, but I meant part of this title to be a metaphor because clearly it is a metaphor. In reality, most of you who follow my blog already know I have been no-contact from my mother for quite a number of years. So, clearly, one of my managers is not my narcissist mother, but she surely reminds me of her.

One of my managers reminds me of my narcissist mother.

I first enquired about my current, new job from an online advertisement. It seemed more like a last ditch effort to secure finances before I felt I would begin to struggle. I was already scheduled to finish up paperwork for another job that was a sure thing for me since it was in alignment with my former career. However, I just didn’t have the desire to pursue it. I wanted to be done with my old career, and I wanted to try something different. So I decided to apply for a job in retail on a whim, and the very next day after applying for the position – not even an entire 24 hours – I was contacted for an interview.

The woman who contacted me was very nice sounding on the phone. I learned she was the hiring manager for the organization. After talking with her about my previous career, we agreed to a time for a scheduled interview for two days later. When I went in for my interview, this manager greeted me with a smile. There was nothing about her that posed an issue for me at all. She actually made me feel quite welcomed. She did laugh at my attire, though. Mainly, she expressed how she’d never seen anyone dress so professionally for an interview for a job that only required casual dress.

On the day of our meeting, I went through a lengthy interview and onboarding process without any problems, except for issues with technology. The manager was kind to me and made me feel at ease. I was really tense and anxious. I had been out of work for three years, and since the pandemic, I’d not been around a lot of people either. So, I was literally dipping my toe back into society in a way that I had not experienced in three years. Although this manager didn’t know this, she knew that I hadn’t worked in retail most of my career, but I had a lot of great experience, and I was willing to try something new.

During the onboarding process, there were two other people going through the hiring process with me. This manager did the utmost in making us all feel welcome as if she were excited for us to be a part of the organization. I did take note, however, of certain things about her that gave me pause. In fact, I thought there was a lot about this manager’s personality that was over the top and fake. Although she went into great detail in telling us all about herself, I had a check within my spirit that something was amiss.

In actuality, I learned what I considered was a little too much about her. In hindsight, I now realize that some of her behaviors were red flags, and some of those flags were flapping wildly as if carried by some sort of huge wind. Should that have been enough warning for me not to accept the job? I really needed the money, and besides, the onboarding process meant that I was hired, and I didn’t think I’d have much contact with her after this process since I’d be working in a department that had no specific dealings with her.

My First Day

On the first day of my scheduled work day, I didn’t see the hiring manager. Someone else told me where to go for my department, and once there, I was greeted in a way that made me feel that I was not wanted in my position or within the organization. My team lead manager was highly annoyed that she would have to find someone to train me because no one told her that I had been newly hired for the position. She then went into a rant about how she didn’t get paid enough for all she has to put up with as I stood looking at her in astonishment wondering what I had walked into by taking the job.

This team lead manager remarked that I was simply a replacement for someone else who’d left, and inwardly I had to fight to keep the good mood I was in from flailing into a depressed one. That team lead manager’s behavior, alone, was a huge red flag of workplace toxicity to come. It did not signal the start of a good first day for me, and it was not how I wanted to go into my new position. However, I took it all in stride and made a light joke about it to myself. What else could I do besides turn around and walk out the door? (More on this situation later though.)

It was clear to me based on my interactions with the lead manager that she and the hiring manager didn’t communicate. In fact, over the short amount of time that I’ve been employed at this retail company, the hiring manager doesn’t effectively communicate with anyone regarding new employees. New employees are pretty much left to fend for themselves. Of course, I’m not looking to make friends with anyone because it’s work, but I do have expectations of being treated with human decency. The hiring manager only passed this expectation in the initial phase.

The Tables Turn

Nevertheless, I was supposed to get with the hiring manager about some onboarding lessons I needed to complete, but she was nowhere to be found. Essentially, I had to wait a few days before I could complete the lessons. So when I finally caught up with the hiring manager on another day, I was in disbelief by the way she actually responded to me. I wondered what had happened to the kind woman I had met during the hiring process. Like … where did she go? This was not the same woman I had met the day I was hired to work for the organization.

I was stunned silent by the way the hiring manager rudely responded to me. I was stunned so much that I had to ask her to repeat what she’d said to me just to be sure I was hearing her correctly. She responded again in the same way without giving much thought to her verbal tone and delivery. I don’t know why, but I felt immediately crushed within my spirit, and I wondered just how long I’d be able to survive in this workplace with a person who talks to people so aggressively and unkindly.

It was also a sign to me that I’d never be able to escape this type of negative personality. I was so disappointed that I had waited three years to return to work to this. This hiring manager was the same manager who appeared so excited to make me feel welcomed and had put on such a show to make me feel at ease, but her presentation towards me was not the same on this day. Thus, those red flags I’d seen during the interview process, alerting me to the fact that she was “fake”, were letting me know the real deal. This manager had put on a façade. She was not as kind as she was making herself out to be.

When this hiring manager continued to respond to me in a harsh manner that was very unwarranted for the occasion, I stopped to question if she was okay. My question put her in check, and she immediately changed in her reaction and tone towards me. It took her a moment though. Unfortunately, I’d seen her for who she truly was in that moment, and she and I both knew it was now too late for her to turn back on her behavior. She is a two-faced woman with wishy-washy behavior, and there is nothing that will ever make me change my mind about that.

Truthfully, this manager’s response to me bothered me so much, I pondered over her behavior for days. It didn’t take long for me to encounter her again. Even still, I was kind to her as I always am to anyone, but she was ugly in her behavior towards me and very dismissive. In fact, the moment she saw me, in the distance, and walking in her direction, I saw her face contort into a gnarly appearance. Either this woman was just a cantankerous soul or she clearly had an issue with me. Later on, I’d realize this latter statement is a little of both.

The Progression

As days progressed into weeks, I did my best to steer clear of the hiring manager at all costs. Yet, to be honest, it wasn’t easy to avoid her personality type because nearly all of the managers with whom I was to be teamed with have difficult personalities. Aside from one of the managers, they are all literally mean-spirited and ruthless to people when there is no need to be, and as it became more of an issue for me to know the purpose for which I was hired at this organization, these managers seemed to behave even more hatefully towards me.

At the start, I didn’t know the chain of command, and no one within these chains of commands communicated with the other. Overall, I could see that this organization was thoroughly divided within itself, and that spoke to so many issues I’d already seen. For instance, no department communicates with the other, and some people higher up in management treat “lower” employees as if they are dust mites aggravating their allergies.

The level of disrespect and dismissiveness towards others is absolutely appalling to me. I could only wonder how such an organization that was originally founded upon principles of integrity and honor turned out this way. Not everyone behaves so ugly though. In fact, there are many nice employees and managers within this organization, and I am always delighted to run into them.

These are the kind of people who bring bright spots into often dark moments that I have experienced on the job, and I notice how they cling to each other in pockets of small groups. It never ceases to amaze me how much toxicity can affect the work environment and the effectiveness of the employees in their work, but sadly, toxicity within the workplace is like a cancer, inwardly destroying everything within its path. Some people just don’t realize how their negative attitudes can change the course of someone’s day.

On The Verge

At some point, I reached my breaking point before deciding to call it quits. As a last resort, I spoke to a very kind manager within another department. Perhaps this wasn’t the thing to do, but I felt I had nothing more to lose if I was going to lose the job anyway. I had only been on the job nearly two weeks, and I had no idea what I was doing. The kind manager with whom I discussed my frustrations with behaved as if she were stunned by what I was experiencing and quickly relayed my frustrations to the entire management team.

Anywhere I’ve been, I’ve quickly developed the reputation for being a catalyst in terms of pushing things into motion, proposing for changes and solutions. Of course, this type of vibe isn’t always met with excitement and is often resisted, but once I’ve shared my thoughts on a matter, those thoughts do tend to linger. Either a person receives them and does something about it, or they don’t. At least I have expressed myself to allow my voice to be heard.

I’m not a catalyst on purpose, and I wasn’t intentionally trying to cause problems. I was trying to effectively do my job – a job for which I felt that I was being purposefully set up to fail from the start. For instance, I had not been properly trained, and the training I did receive was minimal and done begrudgingly on my behalf. Although I was spot-trained by three different people, I could tell that they viewed the task of helping me as a burden because it was in excess of them having to do their own jobs. How do managers think this makes a new person to the job feel? It wasn’t very welcoming to say the least.

Plus, the job that I applied for and was assigned to do was not the job that I was given by any of the manager leads, with the exception of one. Instead, the manager leads bounced me around haphazardly – not following proper organizational protocols. They treated me as if they didn’t want me to work, and when they gave instructions, they’d literally bark them at me as if they hated their own jobs and despised the task of helping me do my job too. This was utterly distressing for me and frustrating.

As an autistic, I like, want and need structure. I like directions to be made plain and clear. I ask questions for clarification – not to be a nag. No matter how annoyed these manager leads had become with me, I’d continue asking questions until I received actual instructions. Only one manager lead has truly risen to the task, realizing that I am not going to know how to do my job correctly and effectively if I’m not actually told how to do it. The job itself is easy, but there are so many protocols to know and follow, and I’m insistent on doing my job not only correctly, but effectively and efficiently as well.

Throughout this job process, I have made sure to document all that has been occurring to me on the job, even during the first few days. I especially took note that the type of mistreatment I have been subjected to has also been experienced by new and old employees alike, although some have faired far better in dealing with such mistreatment than me. In many cases, I have felt mistreated on purpose, but I don’t particularly know why. So I’ve had to stand up for myself, and call things out as they occur. There’s only so much mistreatment I’m going to take from people.

When one manager lead screamed at me to take some merchandise “over there”, I turned around and said, “Over there can be anywhere. Please be more specific, and please don’t scream at me again. I’m not deaf.” I didn’t bother looking back for a reaction, but that manager lead has not screamed or raised their voice at me since that occurrence. In fact, that manager lead won’t even bother to look at me when they do talk to me.

Screaming, barking orders, and using hateful and biting sarcasm are the types of behaviors that can be demeaning to people, and it’s definitely no way to manage a team of people. No wonder this organization has such a high turnover rate of employees. Although I haven’t quit the job yet, there are still circumstances that are pushing me close to the brink. I just don’t want to bow out and leave without being given a chance to do my job.

Plus, I really do need the money. It took me six months to find the one that I have now. So, I’ve tried psyching myself up to think about how I can survive the number of hours I do work by placing myself in the shoes of others based on how they might perceive me as an autistic person since I’ve even taken note that my traits have become more obvious to me over the past few years.

In fact, I’ve met quite a few neurodivergents on this job who struggle to keep their heads above the water and simply choose to coast along and hide within the group because it’s a much easier way to survive. A few coworkers have shared with me their own frustrations and strategies to ignore the toxic racket, but even for them, it’s not necessarily an easy task either. It’s fairly easy to become rattled within this work environment even as an neurotypical. Autistic meltdowns in this place are common, but like other neurodivergents in this environment, I choose to have silent meltdowns by going to my car for alone time during breaks and during lunch. I’ve actually sat in my car praying silently while in tears.

As far as the hiring manager is concerned, I began to view her in a different way once I realized that she has specifically directed a lot of her hatred towards me. I’ve seriously wondered her purpose in my life. I’ve always felt that there was a purpose for any narcissistic individual that directly had an effect upon my life, and this woman has been wreaking havoc upon my peace. Perhaps wreaking havoc upon my life is the only reason for a narcissistic type being in my life aside from me learning to stand strong against these types.

During a party-like event, employees were apparently notified to wear a particular t-shirt on the day of the event. I never got the memo. I didn’t know anything until I noticed everyone wearing this specific t-shirt. During my break, I asked a coworker about what was going on and where the t-shirts came from and was told to ask the hiring manager since she was the one passing them out to everyone.

When the hiring manager entered the break area where I was sitting with five or six other coworkers, one of the coworkers told me to ask her about it because she would surely get me a t-shirt. Honestly, I wasn’t so sure based on my previous contacts with the hiring manager, but I decided to ask her about the t-shirt anyway. I supposed that with an audience, she wouldn’t want to appear as being mean to me, but this woman couldn’t help herself. No sooner than I asked her about the t-shirt, she bit my head off in a rage and responded harshly with, “I don’t have time! i have things to do.”

Everyone in the break room looked at the hiring manager in astonishment, but I was relieved that she showed herself to be who she has always been with me – a cantankerously mean-spirited woman. This let me know that I haven’t been simply imagining her ill behavior towards me. After this her outburst that could have propelled me into a meltdown, I chose not to respond. I just let her rant on until she turned around and walked out of the break room, leaving everyone else dumbfounded by her reaction to me.

My coworkers didn’t know what to say. There was an odd moment of silence. Then two coworkers spoke up and explained how the hiring manager’s office is right next door to the break room and that the t-shirts were all on a table that she could have easily retrieved for me or told me to go and get for myself. Although I still said nothing, the coworkers filled the air with their frustrations. Another coworker talked about how evil the hiring manager was and how she didn’t understand her rage at me when all I did was ask for a t-shirt she’d been giving to different people all morning. Instead of responding, I simply let it all go and told them that it was okay. Deep down, however, I knew that it was not okay, and I felt worn down by the interaction.

In addition, during a scheduling mishap that I already discerned ahead of time would happen, I realized that this hiring manager reminded me of my mother. This manager also reminded me of other narcissistic women in my life too. They all share the same demeanor towards me. Just like my mother has reacted with hatred towards me, this manager is the same. She behaves as if she cannot stand the sight of me. As with my mother, love bombing is just a one chance phase. Beyond that, there is nothing but devaluation for me to experience from her. So it has been with this hiring manager. Metaphorically, this manager is my mother.

This story is currently in development because it’s happening in the present.

To be continued for another post later … So stay tuned.