Then Versus Now: Story One – Lessons From A Baby Shower Invite

Story One – Lessons From Baby Shower Invites

There are countless scenarios in my life where I have been the butt of very bad jokes. I was basically the fly on the wall, but I was the fly that everyone could see and attempted to swat. For whatever reason, my presence has often provoked many narcissists and their flying monkeys to great wrath, and I usually did not have to even say a word. All I had to do was exist within their physical plane, and I’d manage to make them angry just by breathing in their directions.

One particular story that stands out is when I was invited to a baby shower for a narcissist I call the Professional Gaslighting Narcissist (PGN). It was during a time that I had begun experiencing this narcissist’s devaluation phase, but, at the time, I was clueless as to her mistreatment of me. In fact, there was usually no rhyme or reason for her changing moods with me, aside from the fact that she was pregnant. She was always hot one moment and cold the next. She was always so miserable, and I simply attributed to her changing hormones and varying moods.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am an introvert and painstakingly awkward in social situations. If I attend a social gathering, I’ve had to prepare myself to be social, and as ridiculous as this might sound, it actually requires a lot of me to do so. I literally must plan my stay for the event as it literally takes all of my energy just to be in the presence of other people. The PGN certainly knew this, and so did her flying monkeys. So if I show up to an event, it’s because I love the person and want to show them my support despite my social fears.

On this occasion, I had arrived to the baby shower during the PGN’s cycle of devaluation and discard against me because her behavior towards me throughout my entire visit was less than the loving friend she often portrayed herself to be, especially in front of others. During this baby shower, most of those in attendance were a part of her flying monkey harem from work. There was also a best friend of the PGN’s in attendance with whom I hit it off with instantly.

If anyone knows anything about narcissistic behavior, then you will know that a narcissist wants to make sure you are triangulated against someone they can automatically make a foe for you. Although the PGN had talked to me about her best friend prior to the event, she couldn’t get a rise of jealousy about of me against her best friend. So, me hitting it off with her best friend the moment we met seemed to put her in an even worse mood against me upon my arrival.

Overall, I saw the PGN’s behavior as rude and immature. Her behavior was in no way discreet or subtle. It was on display for everyone to see, and as with most narcissistic behavior, the flying monkeys just swept her ugly behavior under a rug. Since the baby shower was held in the PGN’s home, she was free to behave in the way she wanted without anyone challenging her. Plus, she was the pregnant mother-to-be. So her behavior was simply touted as “moodiness”, but I didn’t buy it one bit.

I discerned that something was off with the PGN. The moment I entered into her home, I could feel negative energy. I felt that I had been a topic of discussion for the PGN with a few of her flying monkeys prior to my arrival. With the exception of the PGN’s best friend, who seemed to be in the dark about the PGN’s narcissistic tactics against me, everyone else played the PGN’s game and refused to engage with me. I was the odd one out, and I felt even more socially awkward because of their behavior against me. I felt as if I wanted to latch on to her best friend as a source of protection and refuge since she was the only one being kind to me and engaging me in conversation. It was obvious she was not a flying monkey, and if she was, she hadn’t been made a partaker in on the rallying against me.

Needless to say, when I showed up to the baby shower, the PGN’s flying monkeys and friends were already present and attending to her. The PGN’s best friend acted as hostess of the party and was busy with taking care of all the guests’ needs. That’s how we initially met because she introduced herself to me. The PGN didn’t even acknowledge me. She seemed already annoyed with me.

Outside of the best friend, the PGN’s flying monkeys were very distant with me, and two of the women were coworkers of mine at the time. So, I worked and talked with these women every day, but during the time of this shower, they didn’t really speak to me at all. It was strange. Only when I was preparing to depart the baby shower did the main flying monkey say something to me, and she seemed very apologetic in tone because it was clear to everyone that the PGN was behaving as a spoiled narcissistic brat.

Normally, apart from the PGN, each of her flying monkeys would have conversations with me at work, but those conversations were always stifled within the PGN’s presence. I didn’t realize it then, but looking back on it now, the PGN basically controlled everyone around her. I was always the odd one out because I wasn’t one to be controlled by her. She’d always say that I was stubborn because I did what I wanted to do and didn’t take her word for anything. I also believe that a lot of my ways in terms of interacting with others was an annoyance to her. Besides being socially awkward and selectively mute, I’m also autistic, and I know that many of my autistic traits annoyed her even though she was unaware that I’m autistic.

The fact is that this baby shower was no different for me in regards to any social event I’ve experienced upon attendance in my life. I felt that I had arrived far too late to know that there had already been some prior discussion against me. In fact, I remember feeling a thick subtlety of burning hot anger against me. The PGN’s home was thick with the PGN’s eggshells all over the place, and I could tell that people were walking very carefully around them so as not to upset her.

Everyone behaved so strangely during this baby shower, and they were all careful to give her the praises and honor she seemed to believe she deserved in that moment. For the most part, I thought everyone’s behavior towards the PGN was a bit too over-the-top even though she was the main attraction and the one being honored, and it was obvious that her rude, nasty behavior was being excused and blamed on pregnancy hormones. Yet, I was the only one she seemed to outwardly show her rude and nasty behavior towards, and I took note of how it was never on display when her best friend was around me which is why I believe she was kept busy with hosting duties.

While I stood in the PGN’s dining and den area in silence after being left alone, I wished that I had just left my gift and bid farewell upon my arrival or at least left early enough that I didn’t have to put myself through the emotional pain of the PGN’s devaluation. I took note of the condescending looks in my direction by the flying monkeys, the whispers to each other away from me, and even the looks of sorrow and guilt within the eyes of two flying monkeys (also colleagues) who seemed to behave as if they felt horribly about the PGN’s mistreatment of me.

For a time, the flying monkeys all disappeared into another room with the PGN out of my sight. I didn’t follow because I could feel a sense that my presence was unwanted, and I didn’t want to be in the same room with people who seemed disgusted by my presence. Sometimes I was so blind not to see what was happening around me because I was so trusting, but when my discernment kicks in that something is off, I am unable to shake that unsettling feeling. That’s when it feels like I zero in on so much more going on beneath the surface.

I don’t fall in line with doing whatever the group does. Instead, I observe and listen mainly to what is not visible or spoken. I read between the lines and fill in blanks. I judge the situation and move from there, even if I’m standing alone. In that instance, I was standing alone, on purpose after being discarded and left by the PGN and her flying monkeys. What stung me with emotional pain in that moment was that I knew I had done nothing wrong to deserve that type of behavior and reaction from the PGN or her flying monkeys. I actually considered us to be friends, and I thought she did too.

In the moments that I should have turned around and walked out the door upon being mistreated, I waited and tried to figure out what was going on. It was clear that the PGN was angry with me, but I thought her anger was more compounded against me than it needed to be for the circumstances. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew something was wrong. I felt her hatred for me coming from within her core. She had mouthed several times that I even heard her exclaim to her flying monkeys that she didn’t want me there.

Even though I’d be gaslighted into believing I hadn’t heard what I heard, it was clear that there was activity going on within the spirit realm which caused me to hear thoughts that were not actually spoken to me. Yet, at the same time, I was certain of what I saw and heard coming straight from the PGN’s mouth. The way she glared at me with such consternation and bitterness was profound. Inside of myself, I was crushed and felt like withering away. She reminded me of my narcissist mother in that moment.

The PGN didn’t want me at her baby shower. She wanted me gone. Although she hadn’t made this fact known to me, I heard her body speak (if that even makes sense). I heard her spirit whisper it firmly into the atmosphere. Then, to make sure I wasn’t hearing things or seeing things, the PGN’s closest flying monkey came into the area where I I had briefly been talking to the PGN’s best friend as if to atone for the PGN’s misdeeds against me. That’s when I knew I wasn’t crazy. That’s when it was clear to me that the PGN was devaluing me for all to see.

At some point, the PGN’s best friend even realized that something was amiss since I was the only one who hadn’t gone into the other room with the PGN and the flying monkeys. She looked at me confused and then left the room as if to go and speak to the PGN about why I was left alone. The PGN’s flying monkey attempted to smooth things over with me, but I could tell that this flying monkey seemed to feel bad about the mistreatment against me. It was obvious to her that I didn’t understand why I’d been invited to the baby shower and then devalued and mistreated.

The flying monkey attempted to make light of the situation. “Pregnancy can make a person so moody. She’ll be sorry she reacted this way. I know she will. I’m sorry she’s behaving this way. She’s been in a foul mood most of the day.” Yet, instead of accepting the excuse, I decided to leave the baby shower. I told the PGN’s flying monkey that I’d leave the gift and go … that there was no point in me overstaying my welcome. I wasn’t much for large gatherings anyway, and it took a lot for me to even muster up the social courage to even show up in the first place.

As I proceeded to leave, the PGN’s husband stopped me from their garage and questioned why I was leaving the baby shower so early. Without clearly thinking, the words I uttered rolled off of my tongue like butter. “I’m going home. It’s clear my presence isn’t wanted here even though I was actually invited. Let [the PGN’s name] know that I hope she enjoys the rest of her day.” The PGN’s husband was stunned and even seemed to be a little embarrassed as I watched his face turn several shades of red. However, instead of placating him, I walked to my car.

As soon as I got into my car, I quickly drove off. Once I was out of the PGN’s neighborhood, heavy tears streamed down my face. I drove home almost blinded by my tears. Looking back on this day, I think about how the PGN’s behavior had given me a way out of what I thought was a friendship. I was so baffled by her behavior that I spent the rest of the day journaling about it – analyzing the entire interaction over and over until I felt relieved enough to let it go.

Even though I had experienced the same behavior with other narcissistic individuals, the PGN’s behavior towards me still caused me great grief and shock. Even still, though, I wanted to give her the benefit of doubt, but as time moved on, it was far worse for me to remain in such a friendship.

The day of the baby shower, I left behind a gift I believe spoke volumes to the PGN and her flying monkeys about my character and thoughtfulness. In fact, that gift was talked about for weeks onward. Yet, nothing was ever explained about the PGN’s negative behavior towards me. The PGN didn’t behave as if she’d done anything wrong. As with most narcissists in my life, I was just silently expected to move on – never mentioning any slights that had been enacted against me.

In fact, the PGN was a complete professional gaslighter about the situation. She behaved as if I attended and had a great time even though she and her flying monkeys completely iced me out and shunned me. However, I did get clues from the flying monkey colleagues that they were “sorry” for the PGN’s behavior towards me. It wasn’t even anything that they said to me. They actually gave no apologies. It was the way they interacted with me afterwards.

There seemed to be a great need for each of those colleagues to spend time with me at work as if they had been moved to show kindness towards me because of their own guilt over the PGN’s behavior. I always found this type of behavior strange but also key in me knowing that I was not crazy. It’s too bad that they did not act of their own accord and stand apart from such behavior.

Needless to say, from that point on, I was careful to never attend any more baby showers of the PGN or any other event she hosted at her home (or anywhere else). The last invitation I accepted was a shower she was given for another child. During that baby shower, I only made a brief appearance, dropped off my gift and then went on my merry way. That was a few months after she and her family railroaded me out of a great sum of money and a year and a half before I eventually cut her out of my life altogether.

If I could go back to that time, I’d simply not accept any of her invitations knowing what I know now. I would have never become involved with her in any capacity outside of work. Yet, I learned a great deal about myself and a great deal more about the way a narcissist will scheme, devalue, and degrade their targets. I also learned the importance of listening to and following my instincts when it comes to dealing with these personality types.

Back then, I admit that I was blind to a lot of the PGN’s tactics, but now, I see them all, and I see her for who she truly is as a person. She was a narcissist then, and she’s still a narcissist now. Remaining in a state of no-contact from this narcissist is the decision for me. I am so grateful to have learned the hard lessons, but I hate how it impacted me from going to any future baby showers or large events. My social anxiety was not helped by this experience either, but I’m a lot wiser for it and a lot less willing to put up with such negative behavior and mistreatment.