My work life has been chaotic to the point that I am in the process of looking for a new job. My current position has gone from being profitable for me to almost non-existent.
In the business of retail, nothing is constant. Sales and a whole lot of greed from corporate will often determine whether some employees are valuable enough to remain on the clock. Sadly, I have been one of those employees deemed quite expendable to the point that my work hours have been cut down to nothing.
Not surprisingly, corporate cuts are quite common in any business, especially within toxic work environments. There is no empathy shown for anyone who loses a job. There is no compassion regarding the length of time that someone has shown their loyalty as an employee. It’s all just business and lots of hard lessons on economics.
Advocating for myself to receive actual working hours has fallen on deaf ears, and if anyone does appear to listen to me, my words seem futile and unimportant. There’s no sense in remaining where I’m obviously not wanted or where the metrics of job stability are not in my favor.
Just at the moments I’ve celebrated my 30-90-120 workday anniversary(s), the ax of annihilation has fallen upon me. I no longer see a future within this particular retail company, and I’ve never even been directly evaluated by anyone on my work. I’ve only been a part of team meetings where an entire group of workers have been seemingly reprimanded, chided, and scolded for not working to expectations that are not always clearly set.
In the midst of cut hours happening to me and a few others, there has been nothing but workplace drama. One of the managers who reminds me of my narcissist mother has even taken a step back from behaving as her usual mean self because that ax of annihilation is swinging in all directions. I know that if it weren’t for this occurrence, this manager would probably continue on a war path against me or anyone else who gets in her way.
Nevertheless, I’m encountering far too many individuals who appear to be accustomed to succumbing to toxic traits. I know this is easy to do for anyone within a toxic environment because it can be easy enough to be influenced by those around us. The gossip, the arguments between others that causes one to teeter to choose a side, the nasty behavior from managers against subordinates, the disrespectful behavior that many associates show to each other, and the manipulative games of control that many coworkers love to play causes me to feel utter disappointment in a place where I just want to come to work and do my job.
In addition to having my work hours cut to null, I’ve had dealings with a few coworkers that have led me to the decision to walk away from this workplace. One of those situations feels like the oncoming stream of harassments, and I’ve been down that road in the past before and do not wish to repeat it. Like before, I’m doing everything to avoid interactions with the culprit, but I’ve grown disgusted with the entire atmosphere of games. This workplace is extremely toxic, and it is never going to change. The few people that have made it a job worth being a part of are some of the kindest people I know, but even they can’t give me the hours I need to work.
In my mind, I focus on the fact that there are other jobs, and although starting over with job hunting is stressful now that I’ve developed a routine for work, I’d much rather start over than continue within such a toxic environment. In particular, I can’t help but wonder if all of the circumstances I have encountered that have led to me feeling stressed, feeling overwhelmed and fending off narcissistic characters who want to harass me are all signs that my time is up within this work environment.
Aside from experiencing managers who are disrespectful, condescending, arrogant, and just plain mean, there are a great deal of other negative behaviors I have to deal with as well. In fact, sometimes I feel as if I am changing within this environment in an effort to keep up, and I do not want to become an unfeeling or hateful person. I don’t ever want to be a person who does not care about the wellbeing of others.
Yet, I also don’t want my kindness to always be mistaken for weakness because someone might see my traits that they are not aware are autistic as a means for taking me down to their narcissistic levels. Needless to say, I am taking the hint that I need to look and find employment elsewhere. Life continues to move forward, and so must I. I must move forward too. At some point, I should have gained enough wisdom regarding these types of toxic relational situations to know the best thing for me to do … BUT …
My heart still breaks a little more every time I realize I am around someone who is a possible narcissist. My heart also breaks a little more every time I realize I am around someone who is colluding with a possible narcissist too. The sting of this reality has been a bit much as I have attempted to navigate the terrain of this workplace environment.
In fact, there is absolutely no one I can trust because it seems that everyone is out for something. Of course, this isn’t true of everyone, but this particular work environment is rife with so much conflict going on that simply greeting someone with kind salutations can often be taken by some people as offensive. It’s crazy, and it’s too much for me. I grieves my spirit and can sometimes place a damper upon my day as I fight to remain positive and keep my light shining from within me.
Specifically, when I discovered that my work hours had been cut, I advocated for myself because I cannot afford to take such a drastic cut. Instead of a manager I confided in seeking to assist me in finding a suitable resolution, this drastic cut was explained away to me as a budget issue. On the surface, economics may indeed be an issue, but when I can see that there have been new hires added to the team getting hours that I no longer have, I give a side eye. Economically, it doesn’t make the sense to me that it may make to those who responsible for hiring and cutting.
Nevertheless, a manager whom I believed I could trust to give me the truth has twice lied to me with jargon. In fact, this manager told me that I was being considered for a more lucrative position within the company, but something within me caused me to pause and detach within the conversation. Although I could not emphatically state that this manager was lying to me, their gestures, tone, and facial micro-expressions gave way to signs of being uncomfortable, and their lack of comfortability caused me to take note that they were possibly evading truth telling in that moment.
In fact, I followed up on that conversation with this particular manager when I stood around and listened to two different managers rattle on about how providing enough hours to everyone was almost impossible with the current budget and that my position (or anyone else’s) within the company was not subject to change any time soon. Although I hadn’t mentioned my prior conversation with the other manager to these two managers, I gained enough intuitive information from their conversation to know that the other manager had, in fact, lied to me.
I don’t know why I was so bothered by the first manager’s lies to me, but I was, and I fought back tears when I realized that this person was not who they outwardly presented themselves to be on the surface. I was disappointed because I perceived this manager to be the most honest of the group of managers with whom I worked underneath. Unfortunately, I now believe this manager simply told me what they may have gathered that I wanted to hear in an effort to keep me quiet about having a lack of work hours. No sooner than this manager lied to me as a way to reassure me that all is fine, my hours were cut some more.
Although I have experienced a narcissistically charged work environment similar to this current one, I was able to isolate myself a lot more from the toxicity than I can within this environment. It’s not all bad, but it’s certainly not all good either, and it’s toxic enough that I’m simply going to walk away. Making this even easier is the fact that I have no work hours within a two-week span making that the opportune time to give my two-week notice.
Sadly, this is the type of work environment where even if someone did choose to speak up on my behalf, they might be adversely affected, and that is never a good thing. Regardless of the outcomes that remain after I leave the job, at this stage in my life, I’ve learned enough lessons about narcissistic behavior to no longer be surprised by what anyone shows me anymore. Even still, it’s just always disappointing when I see this type of toxic behavior so clearly and the person who shows it continues it as if they are doing nothing wrong.
Stay tuned for further developments in this story. There will be …
My Voice Unchained 