My new job infrequently, but frequently enough, places me in the pathway of the public. I have the opportunity to interact with a great many people. Usually, they are people I don’t know, but on occasion, I run into people I do know. A few times, I have run into former colleagues from my old job, but interestingly, none of them have behaved as if they’ve recognized me.
Not too long ago, I had a blast from the past, but “blast” isn’t probably the best description. Perhaps it was more like a moment in time where I felt frozen by a past I wish never to repeat again. Either way, I ran into at least two people who I never considered seeing again. Oddly, one of the people just happened to be in my thoughts a day before I actually encountered into them.
I found it strange that I ran into this person considering the chance of running into them in my new line of work was highly unlikely since this person had expressed that they wouldn’t be caught dead inside the retail store where I now work. Well, proverbially speaking, this person wasn’t necessarily casket ready, but I encountered them inside the retail store, in the flesh.
Back Down Memory Lane
When I saw this with my own eyes, I literally paused in place as if I had turned into a block of ice. I instantly found myself walking back into a past I wanted to stay away from, and upon seeing this person, I hoped that the person wouldn’t see me. I cannot even begin to accurately describe the array of emotions I felt. I it was a definite moment of “freeze”. I was literally unable to move despite the fact that my brain desperately wanted my legs to move into flight.
To say that I had several emotions all at once is actually an understatement. I felt myself freeze in place so intensely, I thought I might have a panic attack. I had just returned back inside the building from my car from a lunch break. The only thought in my mind at the time was getting back to work. When I saw this former colleague, time seemed to stand still in a way that it usually doesn’t when I run into people I know. I can only liken the experience to a profound moment of posttraumatic stress (PTSD).
Mentally, I flashed back in time and felt momentarily stuck within that place. Perhaps, time stood still because this person was an instrumental part of the troubles I had at my former workplace. In fact, I had no idea just how instrumental this person was in helping to plot my literal demise until a few years after I left my former job. This former colleague was also once my supervisor and was very dear friends with the narcissist I dubbed the PGN or Professional Gaslighting Narcissist. This person also accompanied me to the hospital on the day of my so-called allergic reaction to lunch I’d eaten at least once a week for quite a number of years.
Looking back, this colleague and supervisor was in on the plot to end my life, but there’s absolutely no way for me to prove this. Yet, I’ve always felt that their remarkably changed behavior towards me and all of the connections I made about what took place were enough to convince me of their guilty conscience. After that near fateful day, this former colleague/supervisor seemed to purposefully avoid me as if their life depended upon never seeing or talking to me. In fact, not long after that hospital visit, this colleague/supervisor never spoke to me again.
So, when I walked by this former colleague/supervisor in my new place of work and froze in place at the sight of them, I didn’t know what to do. The feeling within me wasn’t one of happiness. In fact, I was ready to run if I could, but I just couldn’t get my feet to move underneath me. I was positioned in place as if my feet were stuck within quicksand. I watched this former colleague/supervisor’s face and took in the details of their facial expressions. It was just another typical day for them as it would seem, and, fortunately, they failed to notice me. In that moment, I wished that I had failed to notice them too.
To not have a care in this world was perfectly fine. I realized that this supervisor’s attitude about life and people was no doubt the same even though I can’t really prove this to be true. For a split moment, I wondered if they ever thought about me … about what their workplace bullying had done to me, had done to my life, but then I realized fairly quickly that none of that even mattered anymore. The past is the past. There’s nothing I can do about it except learn from it and continue to forgive and move forward. Yet, I did ponder. I did reflect.
I just wish I hadn’t learned the truth about this former colleague/supervisor because I was so heartbroken in the moment I saw them. This was a person I had supported, rallied around and cheered for in their successes when they gained their position as supervisor. I was more than happy to support them in their new transition, but I had no idea this person literally hated the ground that I walked upon. This became especially likely because I had accidentally found out that they were having an extramarital affair.
Although this former colleague/supervisor’s extramarital affair was no secret within the workplace, it was pretty well-hidden from me. When I found out about it, I never said anything to them specifically, but they knew that I knew because I had revealed my concerns about this situation to someone I considered a dear friend I now dub as the Professional Gaslighting Narcissist (PGN). After I discussed my concerns with the PGN, shortly afterwards, I noticed that the colleague/supervisor began treating me differently at work.
In fact, this colleague/supervisor joined in on the workplace bullying that was already happening against me because they were best friends with the PGN. I never made the connections of all this back then. I only began to realize, even back then, just how close the PGN and this colleague/supervisor really were to each other. Yet, I do remember how the covert bullying and all the gaslighting against me became progressively worse. I felt so overwhelmed and provoked that I considered leaving the job. I didn’t realize then that this was definitely wanted by the mob of bullies led by the PGN who wanted me out.
This former colleague/supervisor went from supporting me to spreading gossip about me behind my back, neglecting their responsibilities tied to directly helping me, and assisting in organizing plots against me, such as making sure important documents were hidden from me, not providing me with the proper materials necessary for me to do my job when I requested them, or failing to respond to my emails at all. Even though I questioned them if something was wrong, they played the role of “dummy” and gaslighted me into believing I was thinking wrongly about them. Even though I never thought the worst, I never believed they hated me as much as I would later find out that they had told others they hated me. I felt utterly betrayed by them.
My support for “right” causes that the PGN was against also set me against the PGN, the colleague/supervisor, and all the PGN’s flying monkeys. Because of them being so set against me, my likely end was set in motion with the sprinklings of something mysterious in my unattended food at the company microwave spot. After my “poisoning”, which even the doctor believed was the culprit of my so-called allergic reaction to a particular lunch I ate at least once a week, the colleague/supervisor, the PGN and the PGN’s flying monkeys avoided me for quite a while. Yet, I hadn’t understood their mistreatment of me until years later … after I had solved the mystery of what took place. Now that I know, my intent is to remain no-contact with these people for good.
So, imagine my shock, horror and surprise when I ran into this former colleague/supervisor at my new place of employment. I was so glad that they didn’t recognize me. In fact, I stood in shock long enough for them to glance in my direction, but thankfully, they never once glanced in my direction. In fact, I don’t believe there was any notion for them to consider that I’d even be there. For the most part, being in a retail store with crowds of people around me worked to my advantage. Plus, I hadn’t seen this person in 3 to 4 years. So it would have been likely that this person didn’t have me in their line of vision to see.
Anyway, after my momentary frozen-in-place moment, I continued on my way to my work station only to be bombarded by a mixture of feelings: sadness and anger. I was sad because so much had occurred in the past that I was so blind to and unaware of, and I was angry because of the audacity of this person to pretend to befriend me when they were actually against me. Yet, as quickly as I had these feelings of sadness and anger, I got over them for the next back-in-time memory.
Stay tuned for the next post …
My Voice Unchained 